For those of you that won't get to see me live, here's a huge steamy load of comedy for you to swallow.
1 When I get home tonight, I’m going to tear my wife’s panties off right away…. (pulling at my ass) Cuz they are giving me a WEDGIE FROM HELL! (pause) Wow, that was kind of like when I have sex, I started with.... a big finish.
2 My comedy mentor told me to treat the audience like a lover, and every performance like making love. Well if I'm willing to commit to all that, my audience needs to give me something in return. It needs to be fun and energetic and supportive and respectful. But then I just realized, I'm not looking for a long term relationship with my audience. You aren't even going to be faithful to me! I expect you'll be cheating on me with another comic in less than 15 minutes!. So this is more like a one night stand. Well... that changes EVERYTHING!
If this is a one night stand, I'll need an audience that is young and tight (wandering off) and slutty..... and likes to be choked because it has weird issues about its dad or teachers..... And every joke will be like fucking it in the ass and every punchline will be like cumming in its eye! I'm not looking for an audience-girlfriend here, I'm looking for an audience fuck-buddy! Just as long as it doesn't freak out on me and text me like 25 times a day, or send its boyfriend over to my house to kick my ass later! I want an audience that's ready to try something new, not one I can grow old and die with (like I'm doing right now). I need an audience that is ready to swallow a huge steamy load of comedy and still beg for more! Is that THIS audience? Yes? Well break out the lube bitches, and let’s get this party started!
3 Wow, that really was just like sex! Cuz now I'm exhausted and ready to take a nap, and you look all traumatized, like you're about to call 9-1-1!"
4 I've been playing a lot of Guitar Hero lately. I tried to tell my friend about a song on it that I really like, but I couldn't remember the name of it. She said "Well, how does it go?" I said, "It’s like BLUE RED GREEN GREEN BLUE RED GREEN whammy bar!
5 I can't watch the news about the economy -- they say we're back to where we were in 1998. Fuck 1998. Why couldn't we go back to when I was 18... when I had hair... and health.... and HOPE. Back to when I was fucking horny college girls and getting high every day with my friends. That was a good year! Why can't the economy suck like THAT again?
6 When I decided to make a career change, I thought I’d try doing something I really love. So it was between telling jokes and making porn movies. I tried doing both at once, but I just couldn’t stay hard through the punch lines.
7 They say that exposure to porn at an early age really affects the rest of your life. I say bullshit! I saw my dad’s Playboy and Penthouse magazines when I was just a kid, and I turned out… well, no, that is a bad example. Nevermind.
8 I’ve always wanted to be like Hugh Hefner. He has an incredible lifestyle. There is a TV show about his 3 twenty-something girlfriends, called “The Girls Next Door”. Sorry, but girls like that don’t live next door to ME. Why didn’t they name it something more accurate? Like “Three Gold-Digging Blonde Whores at Hef’s House”.
9 Does Hef realize those girls are only after his money? I’ve always believed that money can’t buy happiness. And in today’s shitty economy, it actually can’t even buy half the happiness it used to not be able to buy.
10 Last year, I got to visit the Playboy Mansion. But I had to pay 750 dollars to go there, and when I got there, I pretty much just stood around in the yard all night. I wanted to see the house! I never even got NEAR the house. Now I want to be like Hugh Hefner more than ever! Forget the beautiful girls and huge mansion. I just want to trick some stupid son of a bitch into giving me 750 dollars to stand around in MY yard!
11 My friend has been married for 20 years. I asked him what his secret was. He said he does things to keep his sex life interesting, like he bought a schoolgirl outfit and plays dress-up with his wife. I thought, that sounds fun, but I really don't have the legs for it. I don't want to look STUPID!
12 I didn’t meet my wife until I was in my late twenties, and not one minute too soon. I was so sick of dating. And my friends were no help. My friend told me when I meet women, I need to act like I don’t even care about them, or even to be a little mean to them at first. He said women love guys like that. That will just make her want me more. But I’m just not a mean person. I don’t know HOW to be mean. I told one girl I was dancing with, “You have a body like a little boy.” She got all upset and started crying. I felt bad. I tried to apologize, but I just made it worse. “I never said I don’t like little.... boys..." (she walks away)
14 So I met a girl who was into very kinky sex. She said in case things started getting out of hand, I needed to make up a “safety phrase”. Just one or two words so she would know I REALLY wanted her to stop. I don’t know what was wrong with what I usually say, “Get the fuck off me, I already came! Is there any pizza left?”
15 So fast forward 15 years, now I have 2 children. I love them to death, but they drive me crazy! My daughter ran up to me crying, "Daddy Daddy, I have an owee on my finger!" She held up her index finger to me. I saw her playing with our dog, I assumed he might have bit her, so I did the usual Dad thing and kissed her finger to "make it all better". "What happened did the doggie bite you?" She said, "No, I stuck my finger in his butt!"
16 When my son was really little he had a bad habit of cursing. One time he dropped his ice cream on the ground, and shouted “FUCK!” I told him that just earned him a 15 minute time out. “I don’t want no FUCKING TIME OUT!” I didn’t really care about him cursing. I just wanted him to stop WASTING all the FUCKING ice cream!
17 A few years later he got his first computer and discovered the internet. He innocently typed his name and dot com just to see what would happen. Well it turns out Danny.com is a softcore porn website. It was inappropriate yes, but nothing too obscene. I’m just glad we didn’t name him “COLLEGE FUCK FEST”!
18 My son told me about Google Earth, so we looked up our house together. The picture was so detailed I could actually see a beer bottle I left on my deck. So now I spend a lot of time sunbathing naked in my back yard, waiting for Google Earth to take a picture of me. So the next time the question of penis size comes up, I will be able to say, “Yeah, mine is SO big, it can be seen from outer space!”
19 I love how Google has now become an actual verb, like “I Google’d your name to get your phone number. I’ve decided that my name should be a verb too. So ladies and gentleman, thank you for letting me STEVE ALL OVER YOU! Thank you and good night!
1 When I get home tonight, I’m going to tear my wife’s panties off right away…. (pulling at my ass) Cuz they are giving me a WEDGIE FROM HELL! (pause) Wow, that was kind of like when I have sex, I started with.... a big finish.
2 My comedy mentor told me to treat the audience like a lover, and every performance like making love. Well if I'm willing to commit to all that, my audience needs to give me something in return. It needs to be fun and energetic and supportive and respectful. But then I just realized, I'm not looking for a long term relationship with my audience. You aren't even going to be faithful to me! I expect you'll be cheating on me with another comic in less than 15 minutes!. So this is more like a one night stand. Well... that changes EVERYTHING!
If this is a one night stand, I'll need an audience that is young and tight (wandering off) and slutty..... and likes to be choked because it has weird issues about its dad or teachers..... And every joke will be like fucking it in the ass and every punchline will be like cumming in its eye! I'm not looking for an audience-girlfriend here, I'm looking for an audience fuck-buddy! Just as long as it doesn't freak out on me and text me like 25 times a day, or send its boyfriend over to my house to kick my ass later! I want an audience that's ready to try something new, not one I can grow old and die with (like I'm doing right now). I need an audience that is ready to swallow a huge steamy load of comedy and still beg for more! Is that THIS audience? Yes? Well break out the lube bitches, and let’s get this party started!
3 Wow, that really was just like sex! Cuz now I'm exhausted and ready to take a nap, and you look all traumatized, like you're about to call 9-1-1!"
4 I've been playing a lot of Guitar Hero lately. I tried to tell my friend about a song on it that I really like, but I couldn't remember the name of it. She said "Well, how does it go?" I said, "It’s like BLUE RED GREEN GREEN BLUE RED GREEN whammy bar!
5 I can't watch the news about the economy -- they say we're back to where we were in 1998. Fuck 1998. Why couldn't we go back to when I was 18... when I had hair... and health.... and HOPE. Back to when I was fucking horny college girls and getting high every day with my friends. That was a good year! Why can't the economy suck like THAT again?
6 When I decided to make a career change, I thought I’d try doing something I really love. So it was between telling jokes and making porn movies. I tried doing both at once, but I just couldn’t stay hard through the punch lines.
7 They say that exposure to porn at an early age really affects the rest of your life. I say bullshit! I saw my dad’s Playboy and Penthouse magazines when I was just a kid, and I turned out… well, no, that is a bad example. Nevermind.
8 I’ve always wanted to be like Hugh Hefner. He has an incredible lifestyle. There is a TV show about his 3 twenty-something girlfriends, called “The Girls Next Door”. Sorry, but girls like that don’t live next door to ME. Why didn’t they name it something more accurate? Like “Three Gold-Digging Blonde Whores at Hef’s House”.
9 Does Hef realize those girls are only after his money? I’ve always believed that money can’t buy happiness. And in today’s shitty economy, it actually can’t even buy half the happiness it used to not be able to buy.
10 Last year, I got to visit the Playboy Mansion. But I had to pay 750 dollars to go there, and when I got there, I pretty much just stood around in the yard all night. I wanted to see the house! I never even got NEAR the house. Now I want to be like Hugh Hefner more than ever! Forget the beautiful girls and huge mansion. I just want to trick some stupid son of a bitch into giving me 750 dollars to stand around in MY yard!
11 My friend has been married for 20 years. I asked him what his secret was. He said he does things to keep his sex life interesting, like he bought a schoolgirl outfit and plays dress-up with his wife. I thought, that sounds fun, but I really don't have the legs for it. I don't want to look STUPID!
12 I didn’t meet my wife until I was in my late twenties, and not one minute too soon. I was so sick of dating. And my friends were no help. My friend told me when I meet women, I need to act like I don’t even care about them, or even to be a little mean to them at first. He said women love guys like that. That will just make her want me more. But I’m just not a mean person. I don’t know HOW to be mean. I told one girl I was dancing with, “You have a body like a little boy.” She got all upset and started crying. I felt bad. I tried to apologize, but I just made it worse. “I never said I don’t like little.... boys..." (she walks away)
14 So I met a girl who was into very kinky sex. She said in case things started getting out of hand, I needed to make up a “safety phrase”. Just one or two words so she would know I REALLY wanted her to stop. I don’t know what was wrong with what I usually say, “Get the fuck off me, I already came! Is there any pizza left?”
15 So fast forward 15 years, now I have 2 children. I love them to death, but they drive me crazy! My daughter ran up to me crying, "Daddy Daddy, I have an owee on my finger!" She held up her index finger to me. I saw her playing with our dog, I assumed he might have bit her, so I did the usual Dad thing and kissed her finger to "make it all better". "What happened did the doggie bite you?" She said, "No, I stuck my finger in his butt!"
16 When my son was really little he had a bad habit of cursing. One time he dropped his ice cream on the ground, and shouted “FUCK!” I told him that just earned him a 15 minute time out. “I don’t want no FUCKING TIME OUT!” I didn’t really care about him cursing. I just wanted him to stop WASTING all the FUCKING ice cream!
17 A few years later he got his first computer and discovered the internet. He innocently typed his name and dot com just to see what would happen. Well it turns out Danny.com is a softcore porn website. It was inappropriate yes, but nothing too obscene. I’m just glad we didn’t name him “COLLEGE FUCK FEST”!
18 My son told me about Google Earth, so we looked up our house together. The picture was so detailed I could actually see a beer bottle I left on my deck. So now I spend a lot of time sunbathing naked in my back yard, waiting for Google Earth to take a picture of me. So the next time the question of penis size comes up, I will be able to say, “Yeah, mine is SO big, it can be seen from outer space!”
19 I love how Google has now become an actual verb, like “I Google’d your name to get your phone number. I’ve decided that my name should be a verb too. So ladies and gentleman, thank you for letting me STEVE ALL OVER YOU! Thank you and good night!
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