The Year In Review: 2007 - GoFuckYourself.com

Buff · 12-21-2007, 06:01 AM

The best moments of 2007 as compiled by Kurt Doescher

Jan. 13: I walk into the break room and find my boss, Stan Henthorn, shaking the vending machine like a British au pair with a colicky baby. Out of embarrassment, he steps back and I can see that the balky worm gear hasn't rotated far enough to drop his Hostess apple pie. And he gives me a sad little look, as if to suggest that if I had 75 cents and a hankering for an apple pie, then I could solve both of our problems. Sorry, asshole, no can do. Maybe you should have thought of problems like this when you were writing Kurt Doescher's 2006 performance review. So I buy a Pepsi and walk back to my office. Five minutes later, I hear over the intercom that Stan's needed in the warehouse. I sneak back into the breakroom and clean up. TWO Hostess apple pies for 75 cents. Bonus!

March 23: Discovered the self-checkout at Albertson's. Entered the code for red delicious apples (99 cents a pound) while actually buying Fuji apples ($1.79 a pound). The stupid little machine registers a weight that corresponds to apples, so all it can do is trust me on the type of apple. Big mistake. Here's my theory: If you're gonna turn customers into employees, you might want to do some background checks.

April 14: I'm driving on Brookline near Ashford when this guy in a Lexus starts riding my ass. So I slow down a little, just to mess with him and let him know Kurt Doescher doesn't go for that shit. He wheels furiously into the left lane and punches it, trying to pass me and get back in the right lane before he slams into the back of this city bus. So I speed up just to box his ass in. I can feel him glaring at me, but too bad. Now I know he's gonna tap his brakes, get back behind me and ride my ass even harder. So I brake a little and keep him from getting back over. We're almost crawling down the street. And then this giant F-150 starts riding his ass and even starts honking at the guy to get out of the fast lane. Man, when something like this works out just right, I feel like a million bucks.

June 18: I drive out to see Mom at Ravenswood today and it's official: The poor old girl doesn't even recognize me anymore. It's a pretty big day for me. Because when the mind goes, so does the guilt. And it's about time. This is really gonna free up my Sundays from here on out. Goodbye ammonia smell; hello final round of the U.S. Open!

Aug. 9: My neighbor brings home a little Schnauzer that immediately starts barking all goddamn night. So I go over one morning and ask if they possibly could keep the dog inside the house after midnight. I ask all nice, but my neighbor, this big workout king, starts fronting for his wife and getting all "how 'bout I kick your ass?" about it. I back down like the pussy I am and walk home envisioning a coward's revenge. But three nights later, a raccoon climbs the fence and guts this little Schnauzer like a trout. The dog's dead and I didn't have to do a thing. How sweet is that? But that's not the best part. About a week later, I see my neighbor getting into his car and I say, "Mike, I'm sorry if I overreacted about the dog. I don't know what you guys did, but that little things's been quiet as a church mouse the last few nights." You know, just rubbing it in. But then Mike, suddenly conciliatory, grimaces a little and tells me the whole story. The raccoon, Scooter's valiant fight (fictional), how his little girl found the dog the next morning, his wife screaming out in the back yard. And all I can think is, "Wait a minute, it was his adorable little girl who found the bloody, ruptured carcass? Is God smiling on me or what?"

Sept. 22: I get off I-78 at Mercantile and see a Mexican guy selling bags of oranges at the stoplight. So I roll down my window and motion him over. I even go so far as to shift my weight onto my left ass check, as if I'm reaching for my wallet. The kid grabs a couple of bags and starts walking to my window, all bouncy steps and entrepreneurial smiles. I hold up a single finger and he tries to hand me one of the bags. "Oh no," I say, "I just want ONE orange." He shakes his head as if he can't understand me, but I think he knows the sale's going south. "Not the whole bag," I repeat. "Just one orange. Uno naranja." All I get in return is the perpetually hopeful smile of the recent immigrant. So I start rolling up my window and say, "Well, you're gonna have to be a little more flexible with your inventory if you want Kurt Doescher's business." I musta laughed for three miles.

Nov. 11: My sister calls today to ask why I haven't gone to see Mom lately. I give her my mind/guilt theory and she says, "If you don't go see Mom next weekend, I'll never speak to you again." And I think, "Can it really be this simple? Can I rid myself of two nosy women by just staying home? Does the golden key really just fall into your lap like this? Thank you, Santa."

Iron Fist · 12-21-2007, 06:13 AM

My head hurts....

DEA - banned for life · 12-21-2007, 06:22 AM

nice read

12-21-2007, 06:01 AM	#1
Buff GFY Assassin Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 2,993	The Year In Review: 2007 The best moments of 2007 as compiled by Kurt Doescher Jan. 13: I walk into the break room and find my boss, Stan Henthorn, shaking the vending machine like a British au pair with a colicky baby. Out of embarrassment, he steps back and I can see that the balky worm gear hasn't rotated far enough to drop his Hostess apple pie. And he gives me a sad little look, as if to suggest that if I had 75 cents and a hankering for an apple pie, then I could solve both of our problems. Sorry, asshole, no can do. Maybe you should have thought of problems like this when you were writing Kurt Doescher's 2006 performance review. So I buy a Pepsi and walk back to my office. Five minutes later, I hear over the intercom that Stan's needed in the warehouse. I sneak back into the breakroom and clean up. TWO Hostess apple pies for 75 cents. Bonus! March 23: Discovered the self-checkout at Albertson's. Entered the code for red delicious apples (99 cents a pound) while actually buying Fuji apples ($1.79 a pound). The stupid little machine registers a weight that corresponds to apples, so all it can do is trust me on the type of apple. Big mistake. Here's my theory: If you're gonna turn customers into employees, you might want to do some background checks. April 14: I'm driving on Brookline near Ashford when this guy in a Lexus starts riding my ass. So I slow down a little, just to mess with him and let him know Kurt Doescher doesn't go for that shit. He wheels furiously into the left lane and punches it, trying to pass me and get back in the right lane before he slams into the back of this city bus. So I speed up just to box his ass in. I can feel him glaring at me, but too bad. Now I know he's gonna tap his brakes, get back behind me and ride my ass even harder. So I brake a little and keep him from getting back over. We're almost crawling down the street. And then this giant F-150 starts riding his ass and even starts honking at the guy to get out of the fast lane. Man, when something like this works out just right, I feel like a million bucks. June 18: I drive out to see Mom at Ravenswood today and it's official: The poor old girl doesn't even recognize me anymore. It's a pretty big day for me. Because when the mind goes, so does the guilt. And it's about time. This is really gonna free up my Sundays from here on out. Goodbye ammonia smell; hello final round of the U.S. Open! Aug. 9: My neighbor brings home a little Schnauzer that immediately starts barking all goddamn night. So I go over one morning and ask if they possibly could keep the dog inside the house after midnight. I ask all nice, but my neighbor, this big workout king, starts fronting for his wife and getting all "how 'bout I kick your ass?" about it. I back down like the pussy I am and walk home envisioning a coward's revenge. But three nights later, a raccoon climbs the fence and guts this little Schnauzer like a trout. The dog's dead and I didn't have to do a thing. How sweet is that? But that's not the best part. About a week later, I see my neighbor getting into his car and I say, "Mike, I'm sorry if I overreacted about the dog. I don't know what you guys did, but that little things's been quiet as a church mouse the last few nights." You know, just rubbing it in. But then Mike, suddenly conciliatory, grimaces a little and tells me the whole story. The raccoon, Scooter's valiant fight (fictional), how his little girl found the dog the next morning, his wife screaming out in the back yard. And all I can think is, "Wait a minute, it was his adorable little girl who found the bloody, ruptured carcass? Is God smiling on me or what?" Sept. 22: I get off I-78 at Mercantile and see a Mexican guy selling bags of oranges at the stoplight. So I roll down my window and motion him over. I even go so far as to shift my weight onto my left ass check, as if I'm reaching for my wallet. The kid grabs a couple of bags and starts walking to my window, all bouncy steps and entrepreneurial smiles. I hold up a single finger and he tries to hand me one of the bags. "Oh no," I say, "I just want ONE orange." He shakes his head as if he can't understand me, but I think he knows the sale's going south. "Not the whole bag," I repeat. "Just one orange. Uno naranja." All I get in return is the perpetually hopeful smile of the recent immigrant. So I start rolling up my window and say, "Well, you're gonna have to be a little more flexible with your inventory if you want Kurt Doescher's business." I musta laughed for three miles. Nov. 11: My sister calls today to ask why I haven't gone to see Mom lately. I give her my mind/guilt theory and she says, "If you don't go see Mom next weekend, I'll never speak to you again." And I think, "Can it really be this simple? Can I rid myself of two nosy women by just staying home? Does the golden key really just fall into your lap like this? Thank you, Santa."

12-21-2007, 06:13 AM	#2
Iron Fist Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 23,400	My head hurts.... __________________ i like waffles

12-21-2007, 06:22 AM	#3
DEA - banned for life V.I.P. Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: InYour Head Posts: 7,886	nice read