Fucked up huh?

HERES A EMAIL I GOT NOT LONG AGO HOPE IT HELPSFASCINATING FACTS FROM BIOLOGY
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6
days, you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one
cup of coffee. (women yall can heat up the ocean)
If you fart constantly for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now, that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure
when
it pumps
out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30
minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) Banging your head against a wall
uses 150 calories an
hour.
(Still not over that pig thing.) Humans and dolphins are the only
species
that have
sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper is always smiling? And why isn't
the pig included in this list?) On average, people fear spiders more
than
they do
death. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. The ant can lift 50
times
its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight, and always falls over on its
right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of.....?) (Did the
gov't.pay for this research?) Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? Did the gov't. pay for this
too?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live 9
days without its head before
it starves to death. The male preying mantis cannot copulate while its
head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.
(Hi, honey, I'm home. What the.....?) Some lions mate over 50 times a
day.
(In my next life, I still want to be a pig. Quality
over quantity, you know.) Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, jeez!) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. An
ostrich's
eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like this, too.) Remember, when someone annoys you,
it
takes 42
muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4
muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole
upside the head. LONG LIVE THE PIG

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/beergoggles.htm

Me on a Saturday night..

http://heidimarie.com/kman/etkman2.jpg

my designer apparently has too much time on his hands =-/

Behold! The results of "Abstinence Only" education programs..

"I had a nightmare in which I had lost my virginity. Even though I?ve never had sex, the dream really disturbed me. If I was in a steamy situation, would I be able to Flee as Joseph did from Potiphar?s wife? Here?s my game plan to avoid sexual immorality:

I stay away from magazine photos of women and Sunday paper inserts. I don?t like to fall into temptation.

I keep the remote handy to flip channels if seductive ads pop up. The personal sacrifice has been worth it.

The hardest part is my thought life. I have to constantly soak up Scripture and battle in prayer to keep lustful thoughts at bay.

Some may say, "But Ben, your living in a box." No, I am striving to live a life worthy of my calling in Christ. Jesus of Nazareth did not visit prostitutes for favors or look lustfully at women. No, the Messiah preached sexual purity and went one step further. He lived a life of absolute sexual integrity. The day that I am married, I don?t want to have any regrets. The battle is tough, but He is tougher.

Ben Vinje, Minot, N.D."

http://www.family.org/teenguys/break.../a0021188.html

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

cold_ice...

30 minutes???

30????

As in 1800 seconds??????

HOPE THIS HELPS




A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry
answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's

office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to
the
principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him

and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells
her,

"I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?"



The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only
two
of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop
the
answer,
Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up,
a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop
the
answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,
okay?
Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me
up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored.
The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with
a
quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means
a lot of excitement?
Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten
questions
myself."

do u go tubthumping, bloke?

Cheshire thats what they sent me 30 minutes. i dont now if its true i like women myself not into animals but if im ever on a farm ill let you know or ask Gary or somebody:thumbsup

Oh fuck man, this one is good. :1orglaugh


I hope Kman never wants to be president; his pic will be plastered all over the net inside 1 year.

I think there's a few other things that would get in the way of kman being Commander In Chief...

n/m

Okay Cheshire hope this helps in someway if not by getting you a man and helping you keep him at least to help you put the motion lotion down.




We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from
the male side. Please note these are
all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can
find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for
example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. NO really, you DO have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Okay Cheshire give me some love tell me one of those made you smile .:thumbsup

Yes, thank you cold_ice
:)

12 pk. bud = 10.00
(10) 12 pk's = 100.00 (120 cans)
(100) 12 pk's = 1000.00 (1200 cans)
1200 cans x .10 cents/can = 120.00 (dunno how you get 214.00)

sorry.... had to figure it out myself.......

i always thought the saying went

wine her
dine her
69 her:winkwink:

Was thinking the same thing but then changed my mind and removed my post above. Maybe if you get bigger packs?

HAHAHAHAHAH

that one got me, hahahah

Originally posted by SNOW:

http://www.walkerhosting.com/FILES/M...Commercial.asf

http://www.montypythonzone.com/HTMLo...7/michpope.wav

http://www.montypythonzone.com/HTMLobj-2669/petshop.wav

Well, i was on the phone with a friend of mine that i used to go to highschool with. Anways, i was saying that i needed a fair bit of money to get this thing i've been working on going, and he said:

"Damn, you're gonna have to suck a lot of cock to get that kinda money"

And not realising how it must have sounded, i replied:

"Nah, my mom will help out."

Instantly, i knew what i had just said, and we both started pissing ourselves laughing before i managed to shout out "Not a fucking word man!"

Anyways, that's my useless humour for the week.
And yes, my mom gives me money! I don't care what you think! :winkwink:

Oh, and seeing as people are posting pics too. This little animated gif got more than a chuckle out of me!

http://www.oncloudnine.net/om.gif

AHAHAHAH!!AHAHAHAH!!
Damn right! I want one too!! Wooo!

Todays special :winkwink:

Onions + Beans = Teargas

ChrisL

Ahaha, this is great ~ you guys are funny
:thumbsup

aahahahaahahahhaahahahah

Here's a perfect reason to not leave your kids unattended...

A future graphic designer, for sure!




http://www.impurethoughts.com/misc/funwithink.jpg