^^^^^^George Carlin's New Rules For 2006^^^^ - GoFuckYourself.com

Juicy D. Links · 11-28-2006, 01:33 PM

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.

garce · 11-28-2006, 01:36 PM

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

pornguy · 11-28-2006, 01:39 PM

I laughed.I usually do when he starts telling jokes.

Juicy D. Links · 11-28-2006, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by garce

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

i actually got it via email

Catalyst · 11-28-2006, 05:37 PM

hahaha now if we can just get more people to listen and act.. the would would be a better place..

tehHinjew · 11-28-2006, 05:47 PM

you coulda said 2007 to make it sound more pimp

budz · 11-28-2006, 05:56 PM

lmao that is great

AsianDivaGirlsWebDude · 11-28-2006, 06:07 PM

Carlin always provides good advice to live by...

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

Thanks for sharing.

ADG Webmaster

Andiz · 11-28-2006, 06:08 PM

great ones!

StuartD · 11-28-2006, 06:15 PM

I don't care who they're from, they are pretty funny... so very very true rules in there.

jasonir · 11-28-2006, 06:36 PM

George Carlin would never cite one of the 7 deadly sins.

fris · 11-28-2006, 06:38 PM

billl maher new rules rocks

tony286 · 11-28-2006, 06:38 PM

its bill maher actually and very funny

11-28-2006, 01:33 PM	#1
Juicy D. Links So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: N.Y. -Long Island -- Posts: 122,992	^^^^^^George Carlin's New Rules For 2006^^^^ New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.

11-28-2006, 01:39 PM	#3
pornguy Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Homeless Posts: 62,911	I laughed.I usually do when he starts telling jokes. __________________ PornGuy skype me pornguy_epic AmateurDough The Hottes Shemales online! TChicks.com \| Angeles Cid \| Mariana Cordoba \| MAILERS WELCOME!

11-28-2006, 05:47 PM	#6
tehHinjew Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: MTL Posts: 5,755	you coulda said 2007 to make it sound more pimp __________________ Hot Porn Wanna trade? email me at wanker (@) wanknation dot com

11-28-2006, 05:56 PM	#7
budz Disruptive Innovator Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Vegas Posts: 4,230	lmao that is great __________________ C:\Code\ C:\Code\Run\

11-28-2006, 06:07 PM	#8
AsianDivaGirlsWebDude Purveyor, Fine Asian Porn Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: San Francisco Bay Area Posts: 38,323	Carlin always provides good advice to live by... "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." Thanks for sharing. ADG Webmaster __________________ Asian Diva Girls - Exclusive Photos and Videos Asian Diva Girls Affiliate Program (50% ccBill Revshare)

11-28-2006, 01:36 PM	#2
garce Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Toronto Posts: 7,103	http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

11-28-2006, 05:37 PM	#5
Catalyst Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Vegas Posts: 3,243	hahaha now if we can just get more people to listen and act.. the would would be a better place..

11-28-2006, 06:08 PM	#9
Andiz Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,594	great ones!

11-28-2006, 06:15 PM	#10
StuartD Sofa King Band Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Outside the box Posts: 29,903	I don't care who they're from, they are pretty funny... so very very true rules in there. __________________ This is me on facebook This is me on twitter

11-28-2006, 06:36 PM	#11
jasonir Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Toro'no Posts: 1,887	George Carlin would never cite one of the 7 deadly sins. __________________ ICQ: 61689996

11-28-2006, 06:38 PM	#12
fris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 55,372	billl maher new rules rocks __________________ Since 1999: 69 Adult Industry awards for Best Hosting Company and professional excellence. WP Stuff

11-28-2006, 06:38 PM	#13
tony286 lurker Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: atlanta Posts: 57,021	its bill maher actually and very funny