hahah great craigslist post - GoFuckYourself.com

Tanker · 09-13-2006, 07:53 AM

found this on craigslist today

An Open Letter to My Bedbugs

Listen up, you heinous little motherfuckers. I am not playing. Before I deliver the grim news of your collective fates, let me give you a brief synopsis of how you have driven me to the brink of insanity over the last three months. Here it is.

Unfortunately, because I am paying over $400 a month in student loans and am therefore very cheap, I made the mistake of accepting a used mattress from a coworker to put on top of my new bed frame and box springs. So. You and I have, by my calculations, been residing together since May. MAY. That's when I unwittingly brought you and your home into my bedroom. That's when I became your new food source. Your "host."

You guys are pretty tricky, I have to tell you. I mean, when I started seeing little purple dots on my toes in the morning, I did what you wanted me to do, which was to blame them on anything and everything under the sun except you. This is because I was wholly unaware that such hideous creatures as yourselves existed. I figured it was a spider, so I vacuumed profusely. Then I thought it was mosquitos, so I busted out the Off. Nothing seemed to be working. But you know this already, don't you? Yes, you snacked on me all through the month of June, getting your fill of my blood while I snored on, retreating back to the crevices of my mattress just before dawn, leaving no sign or trail.
Ahhh, June. What a peaceful, sane month. Ignorance, in this case, was truly bliss.

But then came July and with July came some strange occurances. You multiplied, didn't you? Got a little more hungry, huh? You must have because that's when my body started to revolt against whatever it is you injected me with when you were gnawing on my flesh. See, I started having these weird allergic reactions. Getting hives for no reason at all. So I changed my laundry detergent to something dye-free, fragrance-free. That didn't work. Then I changed my soap to something hypoallergenic. No, that didn't work either. And the hives kept getting worse, until one morning, I woke up with not only hives all over my chest and back, but about twenty purple dots on my feet, which I (ignorance, remember) attributed to the allergies. Remember that morning, my little roommates? Do you? That's the morning my throat swelled shut and I had to be rushed to the emergency room.

You had us all stumped, from the ER doc to the allergist. They ran tests, researched, poked, prodded, scraped... All to no avail. The diagnosis? I was allergic to myself, because they could find nothing that I was allergic to otherwise. I was ALLERGIC TO MYSELF?? Yes, that was the diagnosis. But they were so very wrong, weren't they? You guys are so slick as to leave bites that disappear pretty quickly and could be ANYTHING, right? So I took my Allegra and went to sleep every night and you fed on, didn't you?

Then came August. I was dealing with being hivey all the time and rashy some of the time and generally very uncomfortable, but I was dealing, you know? And then you showed your faces. Literally. See, I have it figured out now. The grandaddy of all bedbugs came to play, didn't he? He must have been starving because he gave me three bites I just couldn't ignore. I mean, these were nasty, bright red and the size of a penny and really fucking itchy. That's when the lightbulb went on, bitches. There was something FUNKY going on in my bedroom and I was on to you, I just didn't have a clue that you were so stealthy. Really, you are. But I looked you up. God bless the internet. Yep, I Googled your asses and when I typed in "bites while sleeping," there you were. You are some ugly motherfuckers, too. I'm not just saying that because you've been stealing my blood without my knowledge or consent, either. You are really ugly.

This is where the insanity begins, because in order to prove that you really were cohabitating with me, I had to willingly and knowingly be your food and catch you eating me. This, as you know, meant sleeping (and I use the word "sleeping" very loosely at this point) with a flashlight beside me and waking up intermittently throughout the night for five nights straight to examine my body and catch you in the middle of snacktime. Thing is, you instinctively knew I wasn't sleeping, didn't you? So you held out for as long as you could. But one of you was weaker than the rest. He couldn't last, he couldn't hang and he gave you up, huh?

So there I was, reading my book, completely not expecting you guys for several more hours when he ran out from under my sheet, straight past my nose, towards the edge of the bed. Now I told you before and I'll tell you again: I am not playing. I smashed that motherfucker so fast he had no clue what hit him. And what came flying out of his crushed body? Come on, you know. YES! MY BLOOD!!

Alright, bitches. I have you now. I saved his corpse. I bought a magnifying glass. I called Terminix and I slept on the living room floor for two nights. And when Drew, the friendly Terminix employee, showed up at my door last night, I told him straight out what I have already told you twice: I am not playing. Drew and I threw out the evil devil spawn mattress. We threw out the box springs. We threw out the fan, the bookcase, the books, everything in the back closet. All of it, gone. GONE, I tell you. And then Drew, my new best friend, sprayed the FUCK out of the entire house. I was not playing. He said it probably would be okay to just get the bedroom. Fuck that. You bitches have been giving me hives for three fucking months now. You're dead, it's over. We left no crack unsprayed, no piece of funiture unbombed. That's right, assholes, I BOMBED YOUR ASSES. TWICE. And tomorrow, I'm coming for the couch and chairs. They're history. As I said, you're pretty slick, so I can see you thinking you can make a new home in my living room. Go fuck yourselves. And if any of you survived the initial attacks, be warned. Drew and I have a little deal and it's called HE'S COMING BACK in two weeks to bomb you again. And then he will come back once every 90 days for the next YEAR. So be prepared. YOU WILL DIE. I am not playing.

TampaToker · 09-13-2006, 07:58 AM

some funny shit right there

Tanker · 09-13-2006, 07:59 AM

yeah it is! glad I dont have bed bugs they sound nasty

Jelena Jensen · 09-13-2006, 08:01 AM

That is one of the best craigslistings that I have seen to date...

nojob · 09-13-2006, 08:02 AM

Funny.. That person had alot of time on his hands.

Damian_Maxcash · 09-13-2006, 08:03 AM

He really needed to get that off his chest - he should come on here.

Quickdraw · 09-13-2006, 08:03 AM

That reminded me that they are back on the rise--
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14228562/

And I just thought it was a cute little rhyme that parents said before bedtime.

=^..^= · 09-13-2006, 08:03 AM

thats fantastic - i love craigslist i read it everyday

09-13-2006, 08:11 AM

Awww.

Phoenix · 09-13-2006, 08:16 AM

he should have a blog

JayDeeZee · 09-13-2006, 08:17 AM

That was funny...a bit long but funny.....I would hate to have bedbugs

Miguel T · 09-13-2006, 08:18 AM

Bahaha, LMAO!

Juilan · 09-13-2006, 08:18 AM

"Yep, I Googled your asses God bless the internet."

Ace_luffy · 09-13-2006, 08:20 AM

long read

bump////////

Zalez · 09-13-2006, 08:23 AM

long read but fucking funny

Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE · 09-13-2006, 08:26 AM

that guy must be a writer

msan · 09-13-2006, 09:02 AM

hahaha hilarious...

media · 09-13-2006, 09:13 AM

Really good creative listing, I had to read it twice... Funny stuff..

Too bad he has to buy all new shit...

jmk · 09-13-2006, 09:17 AM

Mouaehheaheahehae that's great!

Yngwie · 09-13-2006, 09:32 AM

LOL that was a good read

SxDx · 09-13-2006, 09:59 AM

Tanker...can you or Ellisa contact me on ICQ please.

Thanks

beckie · 09-13-2006, 10:07 AM

That's hilarious. Poor guy...

Quote:

The diagnosis? I was allergic to myself, because they could find nothing that I was allergic to otherwise. I was ALLERGIC TO MYSELF?? Yes, that was the diagnosis.

Quote:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14228562/

Those things are really ugly! ick...

ADL Colin · 09-13-2006, 11:19 AM

What's up, bro?

Niiiice.

Bama · 09-13-2006, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tanker

yeah it is! glad I dont have bed bugs they sound nasty

But will you sleep easier knowing that while you may not have any bed bugs, you do go to sleep thousands of these in your bed?

Dust mites inhabit even the cleanest homes. The residue dust mites leave behind ? droppings and decaying carcasses ? mixes with dust and becomes airborne. If you aren't allergic to dust mite residue, it's not harmful. But if you are, it can make you sneeze and wheeze year-round. Dust mites are one of the most common causes of perennial asthma and allergy symptoms.

CuriousToyBoy · 09-13-2006, 03:11 PM

Awesome.

;-)

KustomKowgurl · 09-13-2006, 03:18 PM

Hmm...do I sense a bit of hostility?? ;)

LexiLexxx · 09-13-2006, 04:26 PM

haha, that was great!

Poor guy has no clue what was "getting" to him.

Nightwind · 09-13-2006, 04:49 PM

funny stuff.

martinsc · 09-13-2006, 04:50 PM

hahahahahah

martinsc · 09-13-2006, 04:51 PM

hahahahahah

Quickdraw · 09-13-2006, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bama

But will you sleep easier knowing that while you may not have any bed bugs, you do go to sleep thousands of these in your bed?

Dust mites inhabit even the cleanest homes. The residue dust mites leave behind ? droppings and decaying carcasses ? mixes with dust and becomes airborne. If you aren't allergic to dust mite residue, it's not harmful. But if you are, it can make you sneeze and wheeze year-round. Dust mites are one of the most common causes of perennial asthma and allergy symptoms.

First pic I saw of these was when someone was trying to sell me a vacuum.

BigRod · 09-13-2006, 04:57 PM

i lost focus

DWB · 09-13-2006, 05:08 PM

hahahahahhaa

good stuff. i feel for the guy.

jesse_adultdatingdollars · 09-13-2006, 05:49 PM

thats sick

Jessica Rosalini · 09-13-2006, 05:56 PM

that's fucking great lol

edgeprod · 09-13-2006, 06:00 PM

LOL -- nice catch.

CyberHustler · 09-13-2006, 06:01 PM

funny shit

grusthumbs · 09-13-2006, 06:04 PM

too funny

Snake Doctor · 09-13-2006, 06:11 PM

Damn I never knew there was an actual bug called a bed bug....just thought it was a saying

SmokeyTheBear · 09-13-2006, 06:55 PM

dunno why anyone would buy/obtain a "used" mattress , its like buying used underwear

09-13-2006, 07:53 AM	#1
Tanker Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Oakville, Ontario, Canada Posts: 9,287	hahah great craigslist post found this on craigslist today An Open Letter to My Bedbugs Listen up, you heinous little motherfuckers. I am not playing. Before I deliver the grim news of your collective fates, let me give you a brief synopsis of how you have driven me to the brink of insanity over the last three months. Here it is. Unfortunately, because I am paying over $400 a month in student loans and am therefore very cheap, I made the mistake of accepting a used mattress from a coworker to put on top of my new bed frame and box springs. So. You and I have, by my calculations, been residing together since May. MAY. That's when I unwittingly brought you and your home into my bedroom. That's when I became your new food source. Your "host." You guys are pretty tricky, I have to tell you. I mean, when I started seeing little purple dots on my toes in the morning, I did what you wanted me to do, which was to blame them on anything and everything under the sun except you. This is because I was wholly unaware that such hideous creatures as yourselves existed. I figured it was a spider, so I vacuumed profusely. Then I thought it was mosquitos, so I busted out the Off. Nothing seemed to be working. But you know this already, don't you? Yes, you snacked on me all through the month of June, getting your fill of my blood while I snored on, retreating back to the crevices of my mattress just before dawn, leaving no sign or trail. Ahhh, June. What a peaceful, sane month. Ignorance, in this case, was truly bliss. But then came July and with July came some strange occurances. You multiplied, didn't you? Got a little more hungry, huh? You must have because that's when my body started to revolt against whatever it is you injected me with when you were gnawing on my flesh. See, I started having these weird allergic reactions. Getting hives for no reason at all. So I changed my laundry detergent to something dye-free, fragrance-free. That didn't work. Then I changed my soap to something hypoallergenic. No, that didn't work either. And the hives kept getting worse, until one morning, I woke up with not only hives all over my chest and back, but about twenty purple dots on my feet, which I (ignorance, remember) attributed to the allergies. Remember that morning, my little roommates? Do you? That's the morning my throat swelled shut and I had to be rushed to the emergency room. You had us all stumped, from the ER doc to the allergist. They ran tests, researched, poked, prodded, scraped... All to no avail. The diagnosis? I was allergic to myself, because they could find nothing that I was allergic to otherwise. I was ALLERGIC TO MYSELF?? Yes, that was the diagnosis. But they were so very wrong, weren't they? You guys are so slick as to leave bites that disappear pretty quickly and could be ANYTHING, right? So I took my Allegra and went to sleep every night and you fed on, didn't you? Then came August. I was dealing with being hivey all the time and rashy some of the time and generally very uncomfortable, but I was dealing, you know? And then you showed your faces. Literally. See, I have it figured out now. The grandaddy of all bedbugs came to play, didn't he? He must have been starving because he gave me three bites I just couldn't ignore. I mean, these were nasty, bright red and the size of a penny and really fucking itchy. That's when the lightbulb went on, bitches. There was something FUNKY going on in my bedroom and I was on to you, I just didn't have a clue that you were so stealthy. Really, you are. But I looked you up. God bless the internet. Yep, I Googled your asses and when I typed in "bites while sleeping," there you were. You are some ugly motherfuckers, too. I'm not just saying that because you've been stealing my blood without my knowledge or consent, either. You are really ugly. This is where the insanity begins, because in order to prove that you really were cohabitating with me, I had to willingly and knowingly be your food and catch you eating me. This, as you know, meant sleeping (and I use the word "sleeping" very loosely at this point) with a flashlight beside me and waking up intermittently throughout the night for five nights straight to examine my body and catch you in the middle of snacktime. Thing is, you instinctively knew I wasn't sleeping, didn't you? So you held out for as long as you could. But one of you was weaker than the rest. He couldn't last, he couldn't hang and he gave you up, huh? So there I was, reading my book, completely not expecting you guys for several more hours when he ran out from under my sheet, straight past my nose, towards the edge of the bed. Now I told you before and I'll tell you again: I am not playing. I smashed that motherfucker so fast he had no clue what hit him. And what came flying out of his crushed body? Come on, you know. YES! MY BLOOD!! Alright, bitches. I have you now. I saved his corpse. I bought a magnifying glass. I called Terminix and I slept on the living room floor for two nights. And when Drew, the friendly Terminix employee, showed up at my door last night, I told him straight out what I have already told you twice: I am not playing. Drew and I threw out the evil devil spawn mattress. We threw out the box springs. We threw out the fan, the bookcase, the books, everything in the back closet. All of it, gone. GONE, I tell you. And then Drew, my new best friend, sprayed the FUCK out of the entire house. I was not playing. He said it probably would be okay to just get the bedroom. Fuck that. You bitches have been giving me hives for three fucking months now. You're dead, it's over. We left no crack unsprayed, no piece of funiture unbombed. That's right, assholes, I BOMBED YOUR ASSES. TWICE. And tomorrow, I'm coming for the couch and chairs. They're history. As I said, you're pretty slick, so I can see you thinking you can make a new home in my living room. Go fuck yourselves. And if any of you survived the initial attacks, be warned. Drew and I have a little deal and it's called HE'S COMING BACK in two weeks to bomb you again. And then he will come back once every 90 days for the next YEAR. So be prepared. YOU WILL DIE. I am not playing. __________________ Tanker ICQ 3427575 CCBTools Now featured in the CCBill.com APP STORE

09-13-2006, 07:58 AM	#2
TampaToker Confirmed User Join Date: May 2006 Location: Tampa Posts: 5,827	some funny shit right there __________________ Icq 247-742-205

09-13-2006, 07:59 AM	#3
Tanker Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Oakville, Ontario, Canada Posts: 9,287	yeah it is! glad I dont have bed bugs they sound nasty __________________ Tanker ICQ 3427575 CCBTools Now featured in the CCBill.com APP STORE

09-13-2006, 08:01 AM	#4
Jelena Jensen The Official Fucking Champion of the Interwebz Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 297	That is one of the best craigslistings that I have seen to date... __________________ Click HERE to join my Affiliate Program! JelenaJensen.com - 2013 AVN Award Best Solo Girl Website 2010 Xbiz & Xfanz Web Babe of the Year & Penthouse Pet March 2010

09-13-2006, 08:03 AM	#8
=^..^= Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: ICQ 380-366 Posts: 6,935	thats fantastic - i love craigslist i read it everyday __________________ #RememberYourRoots #AaronMForGFYHOF

09-13-2006, 08:02 AM	#5
nojob The Original NoJob Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Jerzzey Posts: 3,682	Funny.. That person had alot of time on his hands.

09-13-2006, 08:03 AM	#6
Damian_Maxcash So Fucking Banned Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: MaxCash.com Posts: 12,745	He really needed to get that off his chest - he should come on here.

09-13-2006, 08:03 AM	#7
Quickdraw Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: → → → Posts: 1,717	That reminded me that they are back on the rise-- http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14228562/ And I just thought it was a cute little rhyme that parents said before bedtime.

09-13-2006, 08:16 AM	#10
Phoenix BACON BACON BACON Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Poems everybody, the laddie fancies himself a poet Posts: 35,462	he should have a blog __________________ Skype Phoenixskype1 Telegram PhoenixBrad https://quantads.io

09-13-2006, 08:17 AM	#11
JayDeeZee Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 3,595	That was funny...a bit long but funny.....I would hate to have bedbugs __________________

09-13-2006, 08:18 AM	#12
Miguel T ♦ Web Developer ♦ Industry Role: Join Date: May 2005 Location: Full-Stack Developer Posts: 12,472	Bahaha, LMAO! __________________ Full Stack Webdeveloper: HTML5/CSS3, jQuery, AJAX, ElevatedX, NATS, MechBunny, Wordpress

09-13-2006, 08:18 AM	#13
Juilan Sultan of Swing Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: XXXodus Posts: 15,141	"Yep, I Googled your asses God bless the internet." __________________ My Best Converting VOD Sponsor \|

09-13-2006, 08:20 AM	#14
Ace_luffy www.creationcrew.com Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: CREATIONCREW.COM CREATIONCREW.COM CREATIONCREW.COM CREATIONCREW.COM CREATIONCREW.COM CREATIONCREW.COM Posts: 12,110	long read bump//////// __________________ ++ Adult and Mainstream Websites Designs \| 10 banners for only $50 \| html5 Banners ++ email : [email protected] Telegram : https://t.me/creationcrew \| HTML5/Responsive Site - Div/CSS - ElevatedX - NATs - Wordpress

09-13-2006, 08:23 AM	#15
Zalez Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 115	long read but fucking funny

09-13-2006, 08:26 AM	#16
Bro Media - BANNED FOR LIFE MOBILE PORN: IMOBILEPORN Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tinseltown NL Posts: 16,502	that guy must be a writer

09-13-2006, 08:11 AM	#9
MaLayLaH Guest Posts: n/a	Awww.

09-13-2006, 09:02 AM	#17
msan Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 1,336	hahaha hilarious... __________________ CUSTOM TOONS, BLOG THEMES and DESIGNS \| toonyshack AT gmail.com

09-13-2006, 09:13 AM	#18
media Confirmed Moneymaker Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Eugene, OR It's Like Jail, Only with Trees! Posts: 9,852	Really good creative listing, I had to read it twice... Funny stuff.. Too bad he has to buy all new shit... __________________ I'm here for the violence!

09-13-2006, 09:17 AM	#19
jmk Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 5,391	Mouaehheaheahehae that's great!

09-13-2006, 09:32 AM	#20
Yngwie I am an Alien from space Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 11,118	LOL that was a good read __________________ ICQ: 16544251 - Skype: gator37 @ eastlink.ca - email: yngwie @ isys.ca

09-13-2006, 09:59 AM	#21
SxDx Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: SoFla Posts: 2,254	Tanker...can you or Ellisa contact me on ICQ please. Thanks __________________ Hundies.com - $35/Trial Signup - All Exclusive!! scott (at) dnav.com (dot) com ICQ: 242-444-884

09-13-2006, 11:19 AM	#23
ADL Colin Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Tube Titans, USA Posts: 11,929	What's up, bro? Niiiice. __________________ Adult Date Link - $50 PPS starting NOW! -- good and JUICY! skype = "adultdatelink"

09-13-2006, 03:11 PM	#25
CuriousToyBoy Crazy Aussie Bastard Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home. Posts: 16,787	Awesome. ;-) __________________ Celebs Adult Who's Who ==> Ambush Interview ==> ICQ 293 070 684 ==> intmarpacrim AT gmail DOT com

09-13-2006, 03:18 PM	#26
KustomKowgurl Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 322	Hmm...do I sense a bit of hostility?? ;)

09-13-2006, 04:26 PM	#27
LexiLexxx Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Vegas, Baby!!!! Posts: 2,510	haha, that was great! Poor guy has no clue what was "getting" to him.

09-13-2006, 04:49 PM	#28
Nightwind Confirmed User Join Date: May 2005 Location: ICQ: 303-282-636 Posts: 4,786	funny stuff. __________________

09-13-2006, 04:50 PM	#29
martinsc Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: 127.0.0.1 Posts: 27,047	hahahahahah __________________ Make Money

09-13-2006, 04:51 PM	#30
martinsc Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: 127.0.0.1 Posts: 27,047	hahahahahah __________________ Make Money

09-13-2006, 04:57 PM	#32
BigRod Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 3,685	i lost focus __________________ Rod Macdonald Mainstream Ad Agency Owner ICQ: 607306

09-13-2006, 05:08 PM	#33
DWB Registered User Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Encrypted. Access denied. Posts: 31,779	hahahahahhaa good stuff. i feel for the guy.

09-13-2006, 05:49 PM	#34
jesse_adultdatingdollars Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: San Diego Posts: 2,197	thats sick __________________ Got Dating Traffic? Contact: Jesse (at) adultdatingdollars.com ICQ: 296775809 or AIM: cabotime21

09-13-2006, 05:56 PM	#35
Jessica Rosalini Confirmed User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 151	that's fucking great lol __________________ Jessica Rosalini Icq:241178888 JessicaRosalini(at)gmail.com

09-13-2006, 06:00 PM	#36
edgeprod Permanently Gone Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 10,019	LOL -- nice catch.

09-13-2006, 06:01 PM	#37
CyberHustler Masterbaiter Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 26,187	funny shit

09-13-2006, 06:04 PM	#38
grusthumbs Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: http://www.girlsoutwest.com Posts: 628	too funny __________________ coming soon

09-13-2006, 06:11 PM	#39
Snake Doctor I'm Lenny2 Bitch Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: On top of my soapbox Posts: 13,449	Damn I never knew there was an actual bug called a bed bug....just thought it was a saying __________________ sig too big