New Rules by George Carlin - GoFuckYourself.com

steffie · 05-21-2006, 08:33 AM

George Carlin's New Rules For 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the SocialSecurity crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding,no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating myAlmond
Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

Screaming · 05-21-2006, 08:36 AM

love that guy...

u-Bob · 05-21-2006, 08:37 AM

King Adam · 05-21-2006, 08:37 AM

Thats damn funny. I love Carlin ... one of the best.

He should run for President.

luv$ · 05-21-2006, 08:40 AM

I love Carlin, but I'm not sure he would have called them New Rules as that's what Bill Mahr does...

who knows

SunTzu · 05-21-2006, 10:30 AM

These aren't from Carlin... I love Carlin, but these are from Bill Maher:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

Axzar · 05-21-2006, 10:46 AM

The Starbucks reference is all too true.

BoyAlley · 05-21-2006, 10:49 AM

Bill Maher's a trip...

Tayethin · 05-21-2006, 10:50 AM

hahah that's awesome, rules to live by

Big Red Machine · 05-22-2006, 06:45 PM

Carlin is a God of Comedy

Wiggles · 05-22-2006, 07:26 PM

George Carlin is just God.

Rochard · 05-22-2006, 09:06 PM

This is great:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

Spunky · 05-22-2006, 09:09 PM

George rules..one of the all time best

The Truth Hurts · 05-22-2006, 09:12 PM

New Rule: People should actually read beyond the first post.

05-21-2006, 08:33 AM	#1
steffie Confirmed User Join Date: May 2002 Location: Somewhere in the Mountains, far far away Posts: 2,422	New Rules by George Carlin George Carlin's New Rules For 2006 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the SocialSecurity crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating myAlmond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. __________________ Partying since '96 and not going anywhere Anna's Dorm

05-21-2006, 08:36 AM	#2
Screaming I can change this!!!!! Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 18,972	love that guy... __________________

05-21-2006, 08:37 AM	#4
King Adam Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Valley of the Sun Posts: 5,408	Thats damn funny. I love Carlin ... one of the best. He should run for President. __________________ TWISTYSCASH.com - Proven to be One of the BEST Adult Programs Around Promote These Sites : Twistys ~ Busty Ones ~ Nicole Graves ICQ : 9 6 4 4 0 2 2 1

05-21-2006, 08:40 AM	#5
luv$ !$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$ Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Paper Street Posts: 6,158	I love Carlin, but I'm not sure he would have called them New Rules as that's what Bill Mahr does... who knows __________________ Domain Auction - now till 12:01AM on the 2nd... Paper Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet Cash The Real Workout - Innocent High - Oye Loca - Her Freshman Year - Solo Interviews - This Girl Sucks. ** HQ Fresh ORIGINAL sites.

05-21-2006, 10:30 AM	#6
SunTzu Confirmed User Join Date: May 2002 Location: the box Posts: 456	These aren't from Carlin... I love Carlin, but these are from Bill Maher: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp __________________ Gtalk and email :: sd at tabu.com

05-21-2006, 08:37 AM	#3
u-Bob there's no $$$ in porn Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: icq: 195./568.-230 (btw: not getting offline msgs) Posts: 33,063

05-21-2006, 10:46 AM	#7
Axzar Random Jackass Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 1,837	The Starbucks reference is all too true.

05-21-2006, 10:49 AM	#8
BoyAlley So Fucking Gay Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 19,714	Bill Maher's a trip...

05-21-2006, 10:50 AM	#9
Tayethin Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 103	hahah that's awesome, rules to live by __________________ 15 Instant Hard Links For Your Site Converts - 1 in 50

05-22-2006, 06:45 PM	#10
Big Red Machine Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: XXXBigRed@Twitter Posts: 9,586	Carlin is a God of Comedy __________________ ICQ:475437214

05-22-2006, 07:26 PM	#11
Wiggles Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 14,423	George Carlin is just God. __________________ no sig

05-22-2006, 09:06 PM	#12
Rochard Jägermeister Test Pilot Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: NORCAL Posts: 74,019	This is great: New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. __________________ “The choice is no longer between right or left. The choice is between normal and crazy.” - Sarah Huckabee Sanders YNOT MAIL \| THE BEST ADULT MAILING SOLUTION

05-22-2006, 09:09 PM	#13
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,944	George rules..one of the all time best __________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

05-22-2006, 09:12 PM	#14
The Truth Hurts Zph7YXfjMhg Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: In Your Skull Posts: 15,304	New Rule: People should actually read beyond the first post.