Dog's Haircut

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"

post some good one

Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports

"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar

"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown

"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966

"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)

"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.

"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.

"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.

"It's basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator

Lesbian

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course.
She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."

one more bump

3969 is the next one

Successful Adulthood

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.
I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.
So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.
"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"

checking how many posts i made here

Bank account

Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest

hello funkey

up pussycash

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Diamond Ring

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

again bump

Water

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter (about a quart) of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2.2 pounds of E. coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 2 pounds of Shit every year from drinking water.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. And alcohol itself is used to kill bacteria.

WATER = Shit

RUM,WHISKEY, GIN & WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself from Shit, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Shit than to drink water and be full of Shit.

another natural bump

Twenty Dollars

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

this joke is nice

Lovemaking Aid

Ewis walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"Whathahaha8217;s that?" I asked.
"Ithahaha8217;s a bizarre product we found."
"What does it do?"
"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said examining the bottle. "When applied to the...er...umm...clitoris a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures shehahaha8217;s never dreamed of."
"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand.
I looked at the directions for use. It said: Apply liberally with tongue

Carmen

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.
He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.



"Beerfuck," he replied.

plenty more for me to finish

A woman takes a lover home

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."

Another bump

post some funny pictures

Three dead bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken

i am flexible

Groaners

Q: Did you hear about the guy who had his left side bitten off by a shark?

A: He was all right.

Q: What did the ballerina wear after half her body was eaten by a shark?

Q: A one-one.

A bill collector

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly,
"Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton

up up up

nice speed

what is the next prize?

The gentleman

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

go fast fast

Rules of Housekeeping

Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

new page is coming

Kill his wife

Man goes to a hitman and asks him to kill his wife.
Hitman: Sure, but it will be 10K
Man: OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?
Hitman: I will use just one shot....just below her left tit
Man: That's no fucking good....I want her dead, not kneecapped

New page is on the way

Don't stop posting

one more from me

Great Female Comebacks

Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

bump for next prize....

Never Argued

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

going fast

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A sense of Humor

"Women claim that what they look for in a man in a sense of humor, but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your bra...George Clooney or the Three Stooges?"

--Bruce Smirnoff

bump for PC

Internet Dates

"The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online."

--Jay Leno

One last bump and I'm out

Spin the Bottle

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."

--Gene Perret