George Carlin... NEW RULES! :)) - GoFuckYourself.com

Amysworld · 04-28-2006, 01:48 PM

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect sports cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

garce · 04-28-2006, 01:54 PM

George Carlin had nothing to do with this, sorry. Here's your guy : http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

aico · 04-28-2006, 02:02 PM

Isn't Bill Maher the new rules guy?

P. Nash · 04-28-2006, 02:05 PM

Gotta be my favorite:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

dakota1358 · 04-28-2006, 02:12 PM

lol great rules

Babagirls · 04-28-2006, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by P. Nash

Gotta be my favorite:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

omg that (and the starbucks one) are my favs

BradM · 04-28-2006, 02:26 PM

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Troof.

Amysworld · 04-28-2006, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by garce

George Carlin had nothing to do with this, sorry. Here's your guy : http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

Ahhhh thanks! I didnt know.. just got them in my Inbox and thought they were funny as hell. Thanks for the correction... givin' credit where credit's due

Pornwolf · 04-28-2006, 02:48 PM

Bill Maher, and George Carlin too, are two of my favorites.

TDF · 04-28-2006, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pornwolf

Bill Maher, and George Carlin too, are two of my favorites.

I concur...

RF_Erick · 04-28-2006, 07:45 PM

Bill Maher in 15 minutes!

Spunky · 04-28-2006, 07:47 PM

Carlin rules..one of my all time favorite comedians

seeric · 04-28-2006, 08:28 PM

i like it all!!!!!

amy yer so hot!!!!

wooooot wooooot

fris · 04-28-2006, 08:42 PM

http://www.vapshare.com/11809/newrules_navy.html

http://www.vapshare.com/11815/newrul...ballcards.html

http://www.vapshare.com/11817/newrules_georgebush.html

http://www.vapshare.com/11819/newrul...choolkids.html

http://www.vapshare.com/11857/newrul...nhawkdown.html

http://www.vapshare.com/11820/newrules_iraq.html

thought you would like the video versions ;)

Cyndalie · 04-28-2006, 09:14 PM

LOL!! Fkn hilarious

Love the one about old people and bathroom attendants. never been to a starbucks yet tho... hehe I'm a freak!

Sill a few of us left

Barefootsies · 04-28-2006, 09:42 PM

The new rules are priceless. But those are from Bill Maher, not Carlin.

04-28-2006, 01:48 PM	#1
Amysworld Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,578	George Carlin... NEW RULES! :)) New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect sports cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

04-28-2006, 02:05 PM	#4
P. Nash Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Scottsdale Posts: 305	Gotta be my favorite: New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. __________________ Paul Nash General Manager Film Fresh Holdings, LLC www.filmfresh.com.com

04-28-2006, 02:12 PM	#5
dakota1358 Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Baltimore,Md Posts: 2,114	lol great rules __________________ Carmen Cocks Rocks

04-28-2006, 02:48 PM	#9
Pornwolf Drunk and Unruly Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Hollywood Posts: 22,712	Bill Maher, and George Carlin too, are two of my favorites. __________________ I've trusted my sites to them for over a decade... Webair, bitches.

04-28-2006, 07:45 PM	#11
RF_Erick Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Baltimore,Md Posts: 946	Bill Maher in 15 minutes! __________________ Exclusive Reality Feeds - [email protected] - ICQ: 4144516

04-28-2006, 01:54 PM	#2
garce Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Toronto Posts: 7,103	George Carlin had nothing to do with this, sorry. Here's your guy : http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

04-28-2006, 02:02 PM	#3
aico Moo Moo Cow Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Washington State Posts: 14,748	Isn't Bill Maher the new rules guy?

04-28-2006, 02:26 PM	#7
BradM Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: 1123,6536,5231 Posts: 3,397	New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. Troof.

04-28-2006, 07:47 PM	#12
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,970	Carlin rules..one of my all time favorite comedians __________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

04-28-2006, 08:28 PM	#13
seeric .......... Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: .......... Posts: 41,917	i like it all!!!!! amy yer so hot!!!! wooooot wooooot

04-28-2006, 08:42 PM	#14
fris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 55,481	http://www.vapshare.com/11809/newrules_navy.html http://www.vapshare.com/11815/newrul...ballcards.html http://www.vapshare.com/11817/newrules_georgebush.html http://www.vapshare.com/11819/newrul...choolkids.html http://www.vapshare.com/11857/newrul...nhawkdown.html http://www.vapshare.com/11820/newrules_iraq.html thought you would like the video versions ;) __________________ Since 1999: 69 Adult Industry awards for Best Hosting Company and professional excellence. My Cam Feeds Script

04-28-2006, 09:14 PM	#15
Cyndalie Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Cherry Hill, NJ Posts: 3,615	LOL!! Fkn hilarious Love the one about old people and bathroom attendants. never been to a starbucks yet tho... hehe I'm a freak! Sill a few of us left __________________ Cyndalie Marketing Director StoriesTraffic.com

04-28-2006, 09:42 PM	#16
Barefootsies Choice is an Illusion Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Land of Obama Posts: 42,635	The new rules are priceless. But those are from Bill Maher, not Carlin. __________________ Should You Email Your Members? Link1 \| Link2 \| Link3 Enough Said. "Would you rather live like a king for a year or like a prince forever?"