Originally Posted by jimthefiend
1: Most important rule: Pucker up. Kiss as MUCH ass as you can. Be sure and post a ":1orglaugh" or "lol" in EVERY thread started by someone who either has a post count of 5k or higher, or joined before 2003. Although you're certain that "Super Uber Pimp Daddy Pants" is actually a 19 year old surfer named "Ethan" you must treat him as though he is Hugh Hefner. It's all about sucking on that post count titty. Be sure and act like every word that comes out of his mouth is pure genius, even though he is drunk and discussing the merits of the new "Rancid" cd.
2: This relates intimately to rule #1. Under NO circumstances should you EVER disagree with, or god forbid "call out" someone who meets the post count or join date criteria I just gave you; or who has the name of a "program" in front of their nick. Example: BukkakeBucksDave, or BloodyRectumCashBob. Remember: These people are by nature, cooler than you, try to ignore that fact that the AVERAGE affiliate manager is just a failed webmaster who kissed the right ass at a show once.
3: Never be the FIRST to tell a model that she looks like a low rent crack whore or tranny. Let one of the "top posters" initiate that. Once he or she does, by all means, jump on that bandwagon both feet first. The "Top poster" will love you for it, since most of them require constant stroking of their fragile egos. In fact, ANY "bandwagon" made available to you should be taken advantage of. See rule #1.
4: You MUST attend at least one show a year. Mortage your home if you have to, sell your children, whatever it takes. You simply are NOT "cool" until you've spent 10 grand on an open bar to get 47 idiots drunk. This also presents the opportunity to get those ALL IMPORTANT "event pics". Again, you aren't cool OR successful until you've made an appearance on FUBAR. Plus, this gives you a real life chance to follow rule #1. Make sure to remember some names. Dropping them in a thread will make you look fucking AWESOME. Example: "Hey Marvin, remember when I puked on you in that elevator at the Venetian?" etc.
5: Once a week, start each of these threads:
"Would you hit it? (pic)"
"Klik Whores suck!"
"Right now I am listening to:"
"George Bush is evil."
"Spam me with single girl sites."
"Good morning GFY."
"Epassporte fucked me again!!!11111"
Etc, etc. You get the point. Thread topics like these will allow you to post, while not offending the Elite with your temerity in starting a "business thread".
6: If you purchase a new tv or car IMMEDIATELY start a thread with a picture of it. If you can't afford a new tv or car, rent one for a day.
7: Everytime theres a new skin, start a thread with your opinion of it. I think theres a contest going on or something.
8: For obvious reasons; wether your a sig whore or not, try to get a post in on the first page of the following sorts of threads:
Every thread started by Lensman.
Any drama involving a major program.
Fansign request threads started by anyone whos ever been in Penthouse.
Threads started by Juicy or Ramos when they're hopped up.
Any thread started by Tassy.
Any thread started by Pimpdog with the word "Lensman" in the title.
Any thread started by Jimthefiend with the words "Arika" or "Mob Bucks" in the title.
These are some suggestions, I'm sure you can think of others.
9: Sell your sig as soon as you can. You aren't anywhere NEAR cool unless you have one, and you might as well make a few bucks.
10: Go back, read rule #1. Print it out. Stick it on your 'frig. It is the gospel you must live by if you are to succeed.
Thank you, I hope I've helped.
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