A Message To Americans From John Cleese ( of Monty Python Fame ) - GoFuckYourself.com

Greg B · 01-21-2006, 05:48 PM

Got this in several emails over the past few days.

---------

A New Year's Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python fame) to the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of Your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Sincerely,
John Cleese

DWB · 01-21-2006, 05:54 PM

God save the Queen!!!

3M TA3 · 01-21-2006, 05:54 PM

sounds like a paraphrase on a similar letter from a few years ago?..thanks for the humor

DamageX · 01-21-2006, 05:55 PM

Old, still funny and definitely not written by John Cleese.

Greg B · 01-22-2006, 12:13 AM

I can imagine a bunch of folks in a pub whipped this one up.

Your Mothers Secret · 01-22-2006, 12:24 AM

it is funny

The Truth Hurts · 01-22-2006, 01:17 AM

snopes called...

Donny · 01-22-2006, 01:18 AM

It's funny. It's also a big tease. Damn, if only...

3M TA3 · 01-22-2006, 01:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamageX

Old, still funny and definitely not written by John Cleese.

thought it looked familiar

Webby · 01-22-2006, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamageX

Old, still funny and definitely not written by John Cleese.

Agree.. doubt he did write it - but classic Cleese!

Shoehorn! · 01-22-2006, 01:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DirtyWhiteBoy

God save the Queen!!!

adultchica · 01-22-2006, 01:51 AM

I think that is funny.....

Bigfuck · 01-22-2006, 03:30 AM

Only thing is this about driving on the left side, other than that it sounds good

DaLord · 01-22-2006, 05:36 AM

Hahahaha well he could might as well have been the master of it. Classic.

CuriousToyBoy · 01-22-2006, 05:39 AM

Oldy but goodie.

John Cleese is a genious.

tristan_D · 01-22-2006, 07:10 PM

entry #12 totally did it for me

DamageX · 01-22-2006, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NaughtyWhores

Oldy but goodie.

John Cleese is a genious.

Unlike you, obviously.

polle54 · 01-22-2006, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Webby

Agree.. doubt he did write it - but classic Cleese!

the beginnig sounds like him but throughout the text there are some things that makes you doubt

Webby · 01-22-2006, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polle54

the beginnig sounds like him but throughout the text there are some things that makes you doubt

Yep! Ever seen or read any of the scripts written by Peter Cooke for the Cooke and Dudley Moore duo? They are much the same as Cleese.. classic stuff!

The BBC actually threw most of the master tapes of these shows into the trash - then realised there was a following and tried to buy back copies they had previously sold to TV stations around the globe. Typical!!

Cooke was funny in his own life - a private person, but dry as hell humour. He was invited for a meal by Charles and Diana - he responds... "Sorry I am unable to attend on Thursday evening. I have a previous engagement watching television that night".

(Tho he was serious - he just couldn't be bothered!)

01-21-2006, 05:54 PM	#3
3M TA3 Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: So Cal Posts: 2,972	sounds like a paraphrase on a similar letter from a few years ago?..thanks for the humor __________________ Dedicated and colo hosting: ICQ 291313057 "A problem cannot be solved from the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew." - Albert Einstein

01-21-2006, 05:55 PM	#4
DamageX Marketing & Strategy Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Former nomad Posts: 14,293	Old, still funny and definitely not written by John Cleese. __________________ Whitehat is for chumps If you don't do it, somebody else will - true story!

01-22-2006, 03:30 AM	#13
Bigfuck Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In a fucking big house Posts: 4,961	Only thing is this about driving on the left side, other than that it sounds good __________________

01-22-2006, 05:39 AM	#15
CuriousToyBoy Crazy Aussie Bastard Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home. Posts: 16,787	Oldy but goodie. John Cleese is a genious. __________________ Celebs Adult Who's Who ==> Ambush Interview ==> ICQ 293 070 684 ==> intmarpacrim AT gmail DOT com

01-22-2006, 07:10 PM	#16
tristan_D Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 7,865	entry #12 totally did it for me __________________ Increase your sales. Up to $4 per click.

01-21-2006, 05:48 PM	#1
Greg B So Fucking Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: EARTH (for the time being) Posts: 7,014	A Message To Americans From John Cleese ( of Monty Python Fame ) Got this in several emails over the past few days. --------- A New Year's Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python fame) to the Citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of Your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 17. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. Thank you for your co-operation. Sincerely, John Cleese

01-21-2006, 05:54 PM	#2
DWB Registered User Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Encrypted. Access denied. Posts: 31,779	God save the Queen!!!

01-22-2006, 12:13 AM	#5
Greg B So Fucking Banned Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: EARTH (for the time being) Posts: 7,014	I can imagine a bunch of folks in a pub whipped this one up.

01-22-2006, 12:24 AM	#6
Your Mothers Secret Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 240	it is funny

01-22-2006, 01:17 AM	#7
The Truth Hurts Zph7YXfjMhg Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: In Your Skull Posts: 15,306	snopes called...

01-22-2006, 01:18 AM	#8
Donny As you wish... Industry Role: Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 13,754	It's funny. It's also a big tease. Damn, if only...

01-22-2006, 01:51 AM	#12
adultchica Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: usa Posts: 5,141	I think that is funny..... __________________

01-22-2006, 05:36 AM	#14
DaLord Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Denmark Posts: 3,318	Hahahaha well he could might as well have been the master of it. Classic.