pythonx

I like the scene with the black knight in the holy grail


Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
Arthur: A SCRATCH? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No it isn't!
Arthur: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground)
Black Knight: I've had worse.
Arthur: You LIAR!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!

Evil Chris

The Sgt-Major scene in Meaning of Life.

still cracks me up...

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Jakke PNG

I fart in your general direction. Now go away or I'll taunt you a second time.

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Kevsh

Both from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Lord: Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. Alright?
Guard: Oh, I remember. Ahh can he leave the room with us?
Lord: No... you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him...
Lord: No, just keep him in here...
Guard: ...Until you or anyone else...
Lord: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard: Just you..
Lord: ...get back.
Guard: Get back.
Lord: Right?
Guard: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
Lord: ... and make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: What?
Lord: Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: The Prince?

You can hear the whole scene: ftp://ftp.ultranet.com/pub0/r/rjt/mvsnds/stayhere.wav
(oops not working when I tried again..)

The Holy Hand Grenade
Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

pythonx

Or this one with the witch

Bedevere: So. Why do witches burn?

(long silence)
(shuffling of feet by the villagers)

Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood?
Bedevere: Goooood!
Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh....
Bedevere: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?
One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er!
Bedevere: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm...
Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
One Villager: No! No, no, it floats!
Other Villager: Throw her into the pond!
Villagers: yaaaaaa!

(when order is restored)

Bedevere: What also floats in water?
Villager: Bread!
Another Villager: Apples!
Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks!
Another Villager: Cider!
Another Villager: Uh...great gravy!
Another Villager: Cherries!
Another Villager: Mud!
Another Villager: Churches! Churches!
Another Villager: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck!
Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh!
Bedevere: exACTly!
Bedevere: (to a villager) So, *logically*...
Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word)
If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood.
Bedevere: and therefore...

Villager: A Witch!
All Villagers: A WITCH!


hahahaha too funny

Kinky John

"Waffer thin mint" - Everytime ;)

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Jace

the fish slapping dance

Hardlinks

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!



http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/jokes/m...on-parrot.html

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Nydahl

crucifixion ?
good , 1 cross each

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LittleMack

Word, that is the best scene ever. I do like the Trojan Bunny also.

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uno

I like The Fish Slapping Dance skit from the show.

Or in The Meaning of Life where death yells at the americans and is sticking his boney finger into their faces.

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Quagmire

The fat dude in the restaurant in Meaning of Life. When I was a kid I just about tossed my cookies when he was vomiting like a firehose on the cleaning lady.

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Ace-wtf

i like the scene with the Mountaineers! in the office from the flying circus if i remember correctly

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Bring Me A Bucket !!!!!!

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The 4 Yorkshiremen




(Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort. 'Farewell to Thee' being played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.)

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay Gessiah?

Terry Jones: You're right there Obediah.

Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?

MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

GC: A cup ' COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TJ: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

TJ: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, 'Money doesn't buy you happiness.'

EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

TJ: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!

MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

EI: Well when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.

GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake!

TJ: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.

MP: Cardboard box?

TJ: Aye.

MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, our Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

TJ: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.'

MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope..

Big Red Machine

Black Knight: Come Back and Fight its a Mere Flesh Wound (Classic)

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TetsuoIronMan

copy paste wonderful scene:


GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King,
who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit
you a second time!
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I
command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the
doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in
your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could
out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about
advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you
heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this
sacred castle!
GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples
at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You
tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

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pythonx

ROFL

pythonx

Here ya go:

http://media.milkandcookies.com/medi...6024e8c9486119

Lee

Blessed are the cheesemakers for me.

"One more time mate an' i'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners"

cykoe6

Always look at the bright side of life!

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candyflip

The giant fat dude gorging, puking and then exploding.

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SpaceAce

I like the Constitutional Peasant scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail but my all-time favorite has got to be John Cleese in the Ministry of Silly Walks from Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Edit: Oh, yeah, also the countdown for the Holy Hand Grenade: "Three shall be count and the number of counting SHALL be three. To four shalt thou NOT count..."

SpaceAce

v4 media

All I said was that bit of halibut was good enough for Jehovah...

Blasphemer..

LadyMischief

I'm very partial to the parrot skit.

I always loved the Bruces, too.

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Ycaza

First for the people who say "the fat dude" his name was mr creosote. and his main line was "No, better get get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up". ah but, I digress and wax poetic. The meaning of life rules for so many lines. Death calling the english peole out saying "you english peole are all so fucking pompous, none of you have got any balls" is great too. for me though it will always be tim the enchanter (john cleese) before going to the cave of cayorbannorgh where the rabbit was.
" TIM:
To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged...
[boom]
...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR:
Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM:
Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
ARTHUR:
What an eccentric performance."

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MacDaddyPlaya

Thats my fav too. I love when he offers him the mint and he replies Fuck off I can't eat another bit. We still quote that constantly whenever we are full.

But sir, it's wafer thin

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Lee

Yeah that rules that scene, its the way he delivers "O Tim". A real flash of comic genius.

Ycaza

and now finally a wafer thin mint

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Mr. Jim

The Larch......

Mr. Jim

.......the.....larch

NetRodent

The Argument Sketch

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter


M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.


(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

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montythestrange

To put it in even more context:

MAÎTRE D:
Ah, good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
MR. CREOSOTE:
Better.
MAÎTRE D:
Better?
MR. CREOSOTE:
Better get a bucket. I'm going to throw up.

-- Which makes the exchange even funnier.

But the most number of my favorite scenes came from the Holy Grail...

FRENCH GUARD:
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD:
What a strange person.
ARTHUR:
Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD:
I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD:
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD:
No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
[sniff]
ARTHUR:
Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD:
(Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD:
Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD:
(Fetchez la vache!)
[mooo]
ARTHUR:
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS:
Christ!
[thud]
Ah! Ohh!
ARTHUR:
Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS:
Charge!
[mayhem]

And...

[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
CUSTOMER: Why?
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.

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