Airplane Humour

[-=HUNGRYMAN=-]

The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control
towers :

While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female
ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771
where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for
you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right! " Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move until I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how
I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the
crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage
the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit
was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide
spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know
it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this
airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger that, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll
follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a
Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last
aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft:
"I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern
and we've already notified our caterers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how
to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
"Speedbird 206": Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird
206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your
gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird
206: Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to
Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in
1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't
stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always
wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[Cheshire]

Bloody beautiful.

[Ludedude]

Fucking great

[Jakke PNG]

Those were good.

[railz]

MORE!

Or at least a URL?

[tekart]

that was some Fokker great stuff!

[Ludedude]

Heh...Fokker...reminds me of that movie "Meet The Parents." Damn near pissed my pants LOL

[axxxis]

rofl

[DTK]

Good ones

Heh...Fokker...reminds me of that movie "Meet The Parents." Damn near pissed my pants LOL

"Don't you lie to me Foker!!"

[Ted]

rofl

[heymatty]

there was an email going round a few years ago of stuff said by captain and crew to the passengers

only one I remember was a stewardess who after a bad landing said to thr passengers

"please remain seated until captain kangaroo hops us back to the terminal"