How to poop @ work - GoFuckYourself.com

rakeback · 08-16-2005, 11:04 AM

From another messageboard I frequent...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK:

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee.. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.

Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water and usually splashes water on your backside. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. Also make sure to wipe a wider area.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Scott McD · 08-16-2005, 11:06 AM

Old but still too fucking funny !!!!

MickeyG · 08-16-2005, 11:09 AM

is today your first day on the internet?

rakeback · 08-16-2005, 11:09 AM

People need to be re-certified to poop at work.

JuiceMonkey · 08-16-2005, 11:10 AM

yeah heh this is really old

PussyTeenies · 08-16-2005, 11:11 AM

hehhee.. can come in handy.. forwarded it to my brother-in-law.. :P

OptMediaJohn · 08-16-2005, 11:15 AM

yep, I made it around and am back at the begging of the interweb

Deepai · 08-16-2005, 12:49 PM

MontrealPimp · 08-16-2005, 01:00 PM

thats a classic, love it. DO you guys remember the 101 types of farts? I wish I could find that one again, it was in print as well.

GlydeGirl · 08-16-2005, 01:04 PM

People will spend their time writing ANYTHING!

LauraLee · 08-16-2005, 01:05 PM

totally hilarious no matter how many times you read it!

Myst · 08-16-2005, 01:06 PM

would that board happen to be neowin?

NoCarrier · 08-16-2005, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rakeback

From another messageboard I frequent...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK:

08-16-2005, 11:04 AM	#1
rakeback Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 405	How to poop @ work From another messageboard I frequent... HOW TO POOP AT WORK: As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water and usually splashes water on your backside. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. Also make sure to wipe a wider area. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. __________________ livestrongwearyellow Play poker online? Get a monthly check of 50% of the cardroom's kickback! Rake-back.com

08-16-2005, 11:06 AM	#2
Scott McD Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Glasgow, Scotland Posts: 67,795	Old but still too fucking funny !!!! __________________ I Buy My High Quality Traffic Here, You Should Too!

08-16-2005, 11:09 AM	#4
rakeback Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 405	People need to be re-certified to poop at work. __________________ livestrongwearyellow Play poker online? Get a monthly check of 50% of the cardroom's kickback! Rake-back.com

08-16-2005, 11:10 AM	#5
JuiceMonkey Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Brisbane/Vancouver/SanFran Posts: 3,581	yeah heh this is really old __________________ ICQ: 72251955 GTalk: JuiceMonkey

08-16-2005, 11:11 AM	#6
PussyTeenies Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Haarlem and Amsterdam, capital of the porn world ;-) Posts: 6,496	hehhee.. can come in handy.. forwarded it to my brother-in-law.. :P __________________ Need adult hosting? Contact us! WARM Hosting Need an IT solution? or someone to check your site and security? Nossie - IT Professional

08-16-2005, 11:09 AM	#3
MickeyG Confirmed User Join Date: May 2004 Location: South Florida Posts: 4,134	is today your first day on the internet?

08-16-2005, 11:15 AM	#7
OptMediaJohn Registered User Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 11	yep, I made it around and am back at the begging of the interweb

08-16-2005, 12:49 PM	#8
Deepai Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Seattle, WA. Posts: 1,583	__________________ SOULCASH BULLFIGHTER THE BAND

08-16-2005, 01:00 PM	#9
MontrealPimp Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 937	thats a classic, love it. DO you guys remember the 101 types of farts? I wish I could find that one again, it was in print as well.

08-16-2005, 01:04 PM	#10
GlydeGirl Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 1,516	People will spend their time writing ANYTHING!

08-16-2005, 01:05 PM	#11
LauraLee Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: (Still) One Touch Cockie Posts: 3,821	totally hilarious no matter how many times you read it! __________________ Priority Payout skype lauralee.bunker LL's Email

08-16-2005, 01:06 PM	#12
Myst Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Alberta, Canada Posts: 4,708	would that board happen to be neowin? __________________ ICQ: 298-523-037