triplab

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Wal-Mart.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

You Red States will get to keep 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

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mardigras

My dog would turn on me if there was no cheese

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DateDoc

Like 46% of all the votes in CA were for Bush! You might as well consider FL as a red state too. I think the better solution if you want a democrat in office is to pick one that can run on a solid platform and win the election. Oh, and will Nuevo California be run by the Governator (last I checked he was a Republican too). Seems to be Democrats just like to whine a lot.

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DateDoc

PS: If you want 90% of the people to read what you wrote in your above post Triplab you need to have the fisrt paragraph, preferably less than 100 words, be a synopsis of what the remainder of your post babbles on about. No way the majority will read all that.

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thaifan99

Who gets all the pink ones?

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DateDoc

Halcyon and Tassy

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jawanda

lol good post

azguy

Principality of New Utopia

http://www.carbonfusion.com/utopia/

hagbard

ya, and 100% of the idiots that write shit like yours will throw out phrases like that instead of:

80% of the blue staters think there's no difference between the unborn innocent and the fucker raping your daughter in your house.

jawanda

#1 As far as I know the penalty for rape is not death (although in most cases I think it should be)

#2 That rape could lead to a pregnancy. Should the rape victim who has already suffered so much be forced to carry this baby to term? That is fucked up. Is the morning after pill the same as an abortion? Where is the line drawn and who draws it ...

Blanket statements on either side of this argument can never be "right".

-P

hagbard

Very nice points. Rather, I was talking about gun control. I'm not going to wait to see what the guy is going to do after the fact, I'll shoot him with one of my 9 guns.

For the rape pregnancy I personally am not debating that there are hard choices, but that there are in fact different opinions that all matter. What gets me is the idea that someone is going to tell me that a 13 year old girl can go to an abortion clinic 5 months pregnant and kill the fetus and the girls parents cant even stop it or talk to the girl to convince her to stop but I, a 30 year old man with not so much as a j-walking record to my name can't carry a gun to protect myself in self defense. Thats great, the only people who get the power of life and death are the people making the mistakes.