lotusmike

WARNING: The following profile contains HUMOR. If you do not possess a
sense of HUMOR, please exit this post immediately or view it only
under the supervision of your parent or legal guardian.
__________________________________________________ _

The ASIAPHILE

A brief profile of men afflicted with "yellow fever"

ORIGINS: Asiaphiles are typically found residing in major U.S. and
European cities, although increasing numbers have been venturing
overseas in their quest to "get an oree-enul woman".

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Intelligent, nonracist and
socially-functional men who are free of fetishes and racial bias.

CHARACTER TRAITS:

- Poorly developed masculine identities, pathetically uncomfortable
with themselves, inept at romance with women of their own race.

- Resentment of white females' assertive, strong-willed personality
traits (whether real or perceived).

- Ignorant and narrow-minded, eager to adopt fallacious western media
stereotypes of Asian women.

- Desperate need to assume a dominant, father-like role in their
relationships with women (ergo the similarity to pedophiles)

- Exaggerated perception and objectification of Asian females (and
sometimes little boys).

- Uncanny ability to determine one?s breast size and country of
origin within three seconds of sighting a potential AF target.

- A compulsion to trash women, particularly western women, in order
to justify their inadequacies and bolster their self image.

- Insatiable appetite for Asian cultural trivia, which is used to
camouflage/legitimize their underlying fetish (a superficial
knowledge of Asian art impresses the shit outta the babes).

- Extreme paranoia and defensiveness regarding their relationships
with AF's ("What the hell are you looking at, you racist AM
asshole?..")

- Unable to accept non-whites or women as equals. Insistent racist
stereotypers. Chauvinistic.

- Complete lack of empathy for others. Shallow & self centered

- Constantly preoccupied with sex (due to the infrequency of its
occurence with anyone other than the Palmer Twins). Perpetually
horny

- Subconsciously attracted to tiny women because they make him feel
powerful and adequately endowed, and are less threatening to his
fragile ego

- Disdains ethnic studies; regards it as a waste of taxpayer's money
and an ultimate threat to white male privilege and cultural
hegemony

- Opportunistic and scheming. Argumentative and whiney

- Thinks that the poverty, prostitution and white cultural
imperialism in certain asian countries is a good deal while it
lasts. Favorite holiday destination: Bangkok

- Enjoys playing "divide and conquer" mind games with naieve,
culturally-insecure AF's ("don't worry, Yoko, I won't let those
chauvinistic, abusive Japanese men hurt you anymore...")

- Considers minimum age of marriage and minimum age of consent laws
to be government intrusions of privacy

- On visits to Asia as a (sex) tourist, expects every native AM to
kowtow to him, massage his feet and play butler, while the native
AF's line up to show him the proper "lotus position" technique. He
then considers himself "worldly" and an indisputable expert on
asian people and culture.

- Considers the terms "chink, chinaman, jap, gook and slope" to be
terms of endearment and certainly no reason to get offended.

- Believes that racism does not exist because he, as a WM, has never
experienced it first hand

- Arrogant belief that he can dictate to Asians and other minorities
how to think and feel, and what they should call themselves ("hell,

I don't care what y'all want to be called, I'm gonna call you an
Oree-enul")

- Gets a warm fuzzy feeling when watching those action flicks in
which the white male hero invariably beats the s**t out of ten AM
ninjas and rescues the AF nympho from her evil, warlike AM
oppressors

- Believes that the only reason an Asian person would dislike him is
because they are racist

- Despises asian men and Asian culture; highly skilled at concealing
it when around an AF, since it would spoil his chances of getting
lucky with Yoshi

- Associates with AM's only when he is interested in meeting their
sisters

- Threatened and insecure in the presence of any culturally-
perceptive Asian person or any AM not fitting his stereotype of the

quiet, marginalized, "model minority" geek

- Denial of all of the above

TYPICAL ATTIRE: Anything trendy and mainstream-looking which conceals
their obesity. Rolled-up sock placed strategically in crotch for added
flair. Hairpiece by Earl's Rugs 'R Us (or disco-era haircut circa
1975), Members Only Jacket, outdated business suit, two sizes too
small, accessorized with contrasting pocket protectors (think Pee Wee
Herman meets Al Bundy), Old Hooters T-shirt (too tight, exposing his
belly), jogging shorts worn with black socks. Note: attire may vary
depending on the specific type of AF being targeted.

I.Q.: Too low to measure.

NATURAL HABITAT:

Personal ad columns ("SWM interested in 'Asian culture' seeks exotic
SAF goddess.."), college campuses, Asian language classes (a great
pickup spot), Asian strip clubs, massage parlors and similar
establishments, B-grade Kung-Fu flicks, trendy nightclubs (usually
found necking with prepubescent AF FOB's), seated on living room sofa
drooling over latest Asian porn flick with remote control and tissues
in hand, Asian usenet groups (posing as AF's or AM's and attempting to
incite further gender division among Asians, or trying to censor
them), anywhere else frequented by AF's. Often found still living with
mom despite being past 40.

CAREER ASPIRATIONS:

- Asian sex tour organizer ("Ja, come out to Thailand, one of ze few
places een ze vorld vare ju can still be a vite man...ja, them
honeys vill treat you right. Heil Hitler")

- Video store manager ("may I suggest a film starring Chuck Norris,
or perhaps The Joy Luck Club?...")

- Newspaper editor ("Hey Murray, did you finish that story on the
chinaman asianmoney scandal yet? And don't forget, that story on
those Jap wife-beating salarymen")

- Film director ("alright, as soon as you kick the chinaman's butt,
Mei Ling'll be waiting for you to do your thing. Make it look
good....ACTION!")

- English instructor residing in Tokyo ("Hello, Yo-yo-yo-Yoshi, my
nuh-nuh-name is Luh-luh-luh-Lance")

- Computer programmer (enough said)

TYPICAL ASIAPHILE QUIPS:

Age 10: "Teacher, teacher, that little chink called me a bad name.
Make him stop..."

Age 15: "Sure, I like Heather, but she's out of my league. Hey, those
oree-enul girls like Mei-Ling are cool. They never talk back and I
might even get lucky even though I'm a dork..."

Age 20: "I hate those damn stuck-up white sorority bitches. They think
they're God's gift to mankind..."

Later on:

"I?ve always only dated Oree-enul chicks. I don?t know why, I just
have."

"Race doesn?t matter. I just happen to dig chicks with silky black
hair and smooth, porcelain-like skin. Anyone who doesn't like it is a
racist."

"Ahh, those Oree-enul wimmin...are they perfect or what? No more
corrupted American wimmin for me, no sirree...Gimme a fine oree-enul
woman anytime."

"Them oree-enul guys are sneaky devils. They're taking over the
neighborhood, just like they're taking over the White House. There go
the property values. At least there will be more of them fine
oree-enul wimmin around. But watch it, or they might take one of *our*
wimmin..."

"Ooh, Mei Ling, you?re soooo sweet and demure, unlike them rude,
uppity American women. Intelligent too. How's about we go back to my
place and talk temples?"

"Keiko, if you want to practice your English, maybe I can be your
tutor?..."

(mouth frothing): "Masako, you remind me of my favorite 'movie
star'...would you please put on your cute little sailor suit, huh,
would ya, pleeeze??

"Hey Marty, you got the number of that place in Tokyo that sells
the used panties?"

"Would you like some candy, little girl?..."

"Look I date Asian women, because white women in America today are
mannish-too aggressive-closet dyke-hard edge, while Asian women are
soft and more the way women used to be"

"Not only do I not subscribe to this "sweet submissive
China Doll" stereotype, it isn't even the image that excites me the
most! DUH!!! I prefer sleek, kickass Asian women like Tia Carerre".

"I just returned from the "sex capital of the world", good old
Thailand and had an incredible trip - as usual. If you're a single
male who's had his share of the stuck up women of the West, then come
to Southeast Asia where the women will treat you with the attention
and appreciation you deserve..."

"My favorite Kitty Yung scene was in Anal Vision #15 (or so). The guy
from the Rosebud videos who was usually paired with Mimi Miyagi played
her husband/boyfriend/whatever. If I recall correctly, she found out
he was cheating on her and to punish him she, uh, fucked him. Yeah, I
know, it made absolutely no sense. Nor did I particularly care. --
Martin"

PERSONAL GOAL (unfortunately unattainable):
To end up with an intelligent, quality Asian woman who actually has
some self esteem

CLOSELY RELATED TO: Pedophiles, a fish out of water, rice queens (gay
asiaphiles)

MEDIA REPRESENTATION: Woody Allen, Maury Povich, James Michener,
Oliver Stone, Nicholas D. Kristof (NY Times reporter)

COUNTERPARTS: Whiggies...who else?

taibo

damn and you wrote this yourself?

lotusmike

No, found in some tourist blog site.

DWB

That's funny because I know a lot of guys like that.

BOSS1

Ditto i say!