Hmmmm....
Forty Ways Men Fail in Bed
> 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
> erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying
> to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
> passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
> 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you
> girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and
> blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
> birthday cake. That hurts.
> 3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your
> chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When
> she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
> 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
> ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe
> them.
> 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
> clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
> Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
> suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
> they're a doggie toy isn't.
> 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the
> nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
> station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the
> exclamation points.
> 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with
> just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
> There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you
> go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
> attention.
> 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
> region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be
> that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
> 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
> responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
> 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently
> rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
> 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left
> off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can
> tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
> 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
> will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
> Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
> 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
> panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
> yanking it back and forth is not.
> 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the
> clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
> all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff
> stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're
> not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay
> more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first,
> then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
> 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual,
> relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay;
> elbows and knees are not.
> 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before
> she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's
> just undoing a couple of buttons.
> 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his
> worst. Lose the socks first!
> 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
> worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll
> soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology.
> Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
> 19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
> thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
> concentrated into a few seconds.
> 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
> you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure
> her pleasure too.
> 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour
> without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely
> the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so
> she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
> 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most
> women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
> 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer
> of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently
> rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
> 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's
> eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis.
> All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave
> by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
> seductively to her.
> 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed
> with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex,
> warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
> 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving
> during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
> 27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women
> seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means
> more laundry to do.
> 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine.
> Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
> gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
> schooner. And let her have a rest.
> 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men
> earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to
> put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an
> excuse.
> 30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll
> hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
> them.
> 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing
> patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
> vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and
> permanent dye are a no-no.
> 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's
> as sexy as a belching contest.
> 33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed,
> fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask
> yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
> 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels
> good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
> 35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
> the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to
> wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
> 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
> megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
> 37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
> calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
> 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
> trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
> 39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
> her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
> 40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a fuckin' slob,.. and
> you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with
> BOTH words and actions.
Forty Ways Men Fail in Bed
> 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
> erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying
> to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
> passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
> 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you
> girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and
> blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
> birthday cake. That hurts.
> 3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your
> chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When
> she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
> 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
> ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe
> them.
> 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
> clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
> Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
> suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
> they're a doggie toy isn't.
> 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the
> nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
> station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the
> exclamation points.
> 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with
> just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
> There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you
> go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
> attention.
> 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
> region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be
> that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
> 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
> responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
> 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently
> rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
> 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left
> off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can
> tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
> 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
> will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
> Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
> 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
> panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
> yanking it back and forth is not.
> 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the
> clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
> all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff
> stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're
> not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay
> more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first,
> then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
> 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual,
> relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay;
> elbows and knees are not.
> 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before
> she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's
> just undoing a couple of buttons.
> 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his
> worst. Lose the socks first!
> 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
> worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll
> soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology.
> Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
> 19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
> thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
> concentrated into a few seconds.
> 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
> you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure
> her pleasure too.
> 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour
> without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely
> the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so
> she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
> 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most
> women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
> 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer
> of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently
> rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
> 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's
> eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis.
> All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave
> by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
> seductively to her.
> 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed
> with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex,
> warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
> 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving
> during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
> 27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women
> seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means
> more laundry to do.
> 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine.
> Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
> gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
> schooner. And let her have a rest.
> 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men
> earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to
> put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an
> excuse.
> 30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll
> hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
> them.
> 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing
> patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
> vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and
> permanent dye are a no-no.
> 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's
> as sexy as a belching contest.
> 33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed,
> fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask
> yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
> 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels
> good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
> 35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
> the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to
> wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
> 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
> megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
> 37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
> calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
> 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
> trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
> 39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
> her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
> 40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a fuckin' slob,.. and
> you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with
> BOTH words and actions.
]
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