I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to my mind was, "You know? It turns out I secretly HATE society! I hope EVERYONE dies today!"
Then I went to check and see if the worst country in the entire world, America, was being threatened by any of the coolest terrorist organizations. Nothing so far. I'm thinking about sending some of my millions and millions of dollars that I claim not to have down to the Taliban.
Then I listened to 5 straight hours of NPR. I was pleased to discover that they were still as biased and liberal-America-hating as they were when I listened to them for 5 hours the day before.
Shortly thereafter, I sacrificed a virgin to Allah, because even though when it comes to issues like abortion and gay rights, I am a godless heathen, when it comes to issues like middle-eastern terrorism and the war in Iraq, I am a radical Islamic fundamentalist.
I went to a library in search of some radical left-wing material to read, but the library system had taken a cut in funding due to our governor's rampant love of prostitutes and expensive liquor which he buys with tax dollars, so I had to settle for Ann Coulter. I figured it would be good for a laugh. Well, I read one part of Slander and I put it down in disgust. It was her sentence, "Liberals can't just come out and say they want to take more of our money, kill babies, and discriminate on the basis of race," that put me over the edge. Outrageous! How did Ann get away with such blatant lies? I honestly couldn't believe anyone would make such a completely ludicrous and unfounded claim.
Well, just to prove her wrong, I cried out in the middle of the library:
"I want you all to know that Ann Coulter is a liar, and I intend to prove it. So here goes: I am a liberal. I openly admit that I want to take more of your money, kill your babies, and discriminate against you on the basis of race."
The rest of the library applauded my honesty and agreed with my sentiments, as they were all racist, money-grubbing, baby-killing liberals themselves.
Still fuming from Coulter's ridiculous claim that liberals won't admit to wanting to kill babies, but at the same time pleased with the library's response to my outburst, I went back to my car, a tiny compact car that runs on an alternative fuel source: aborted fetuses. I drove home, and, exhausted, fell right into bed, a grin on my face, happy to know that I had made the world a little bit worse.
Then I went to check and see if the worst country in the entire world, America, was being threatened by any of the coolest terrorist organizations. Nothing so far. I'm thinking about sending some of my millions and millions of dollars that I claim not to have down to the Taliban.
Then I listened to 5 straight hours of NPR. I was pleased to discover that they were still as biased and liberal-America-hating as they were when I listened to them for 5 hours the day before.
Shortly thereafter, I sacrificed a virgin to Allah, because even though when it comes to issues like abortion and gay rights, I am a godless heathen, when it comes to issues like middle-eastern terrorism and the war in Iraq, I am a radical Islamic fundamentalist.
I went to a library in search of some radical left-wing material to read, but the library system had taken a cut in funding due to our governor's rampant love of prostitutes and expensive liquor which he buys with tax dollars, so I had to settle for Ann Coulter. I figured it would be good for a laugh. Well, I read one part of Slander and I put it down in disgust. It was her sentence, "Liberals can't just come out and say they want to take more of our money, kill babies, and discriminate on the basis of race," that put me over the edge. Outrageous! How did Ann get away with such blatant lies? I honestly couldn't believe anyone would make such a completely ludicrous and unfounded claim.
Well, just to prove her wrong, I cried out in the middle of the library:
"I want you all to know that Ann Coulter is a liar, and I intend to prove it. So here goes: I am a liberal. I openly admit that I want to take more of your money, kill your babies, and discriminate against you on the basis of race."
The rest of the library applauded my honesty and agreed with my sentiments, as they were all racist, money-grubbing, baby-killing liberals themselves.
Still fuming from Coulter's ridiculous claim that liberals won't admit to wanting to kill babies, but at the same time pleased with the library's response to my outburst, I went back to my car, a tiny compact car that runs on an alternative fuel source: aborted fetuses. I drove home, and, exhausted, fell right into bed, a grin on my face, happy to know that I had made the world a little bit worse.
, was thinking the same thing...
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