Mitch Hedberg Quotes - GoFuckYourself.com

BlueWire · 04-02-2005, 04:08 PM

His comedy will always live on...

"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."

"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."

"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."

"I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."

"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"

"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard."

"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."

"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escaloaor temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."

"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."

"I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."

I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill."

"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."

"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

"I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."

"I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday."

"Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them."

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."

"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

SMG · 04-02-2005, 04:22 PM

"In England Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. "

ssp · 04-02-2005, 04:28 PM

hahaha great quotes thank you

gage · 04-02-2005, 04:55 PM

i was a big fan of mitch's, rip -g

Rex · 04-02-2005, 05:04 PM

"Peter Frampton, do you like toast too?"

God damn the first time I heard him tell that story I nearly shit I was laughing so hard.

"I went to Home Depot the other day, but I should have went to Appartment Depot which is a big wharehouse of people standing around saying "We aint gotta fix shit!""

RIP Mitch -- its really a shame

Downtime · 04-02-2005, 06:32 PM

He really will be missed, he was one of my favorite comedians! RIP Mitch!

Anyone know a cause of death yet?

Thanks for the quotes!!!!

uno · 04-02-2005, 10:52 PM

Mitch was one of my faves. Dave Attel said he felt like an amateur taking the stage after Mitch when they were touring.

xclusive · 04-02-2005, 11:02 PM

lol great lines

fudpuck · 04-03-2005, 12:57 AM

Great quotes...it just sucks. I saw him at the Improv in Baltimore a couple years ago, he was one of my favorites.

R.I.P. Mitch.

04-02-2005, 04:08 PM	#1
BlueWire Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 4,628	Mitch Hedberg Quotes His comedy will always live on... "I tried walking into a Target , but I missed." "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." "I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language." "I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before." "I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy." "It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky." "I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him." "I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away." "And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless." "When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away." "I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something." "I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others." "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." "I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself." "I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time." "I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?" "This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard." "I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead." "I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit." "I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly." "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later." "My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there." "An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escaloaor temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." "I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work." "I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed." "I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good." I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss. "One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera." "I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill." "Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right." "I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology." "I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you." "I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday." "Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them." "I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top." "I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here." "When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

04-02-2005, 04:22 PM	#2
SMG Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,798	"In England Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. " __________________ TGP Webmasters: sign up for the top 100 tgp list! Submit galleries If you add me to icq (title) make sure to mention GFY or I'll think you're a bot and deny you.

04-02-2005, 05:04 PM	#5
Rex Confirmed User Join Date: May 2002 Location: ohio Posts: 2,241	"Peter Frampton, do you like toast too?" God damn the first time I heard him tell that story I nearly shit I was laughing so hard. "I went to Home Depot the other day, but I should have went to Appartment Depot which is a big wharehouse of people standing around saying "We aint gotta fix shit!"" RIP Mitch -- its really a shame __________________ I don't own RexMag anymore.

04-02-2005, 06:32 PM	#6
Downtime Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: May 2004 Location: America. Posts: 7,320	He really will be missed, he was one of my favorite comedians! RIP Mitch! Anyone know a cause of death yet? Thanks for the quotes!!!! __________________ #27024067

04-02-2005, 10:52 PM	#7
uno RIP Dodger. BEST.CAT.EVER Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: NYC Area Posts: 18,450	Mitch was one of my faves. Dave Attel said he felt like an amateur taking the stage after Mitch when they were touring. __________________ -uno icq: 111-914 CrazyBabe.com - porn art MojoHost - For all your hosting needs, present and future. Tell them I sent ya!

04-02-2005, 04:28 PM	#3
ssp Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 7,990	hahaha great quotes thank you

04-02-2005, 04:55 PM	#4
gage Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Scottsdale AZ & Colorado Posts: 225	i was a big fan of mitch's, rip -g

04-02-2005, 11:02 PM	#8
xclusive Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Buffalo, NY Posts: 35,218	lol great lines __________________ I support MediumPimpin.com / Shemp's Outlawtgp.com /

04-03-2005, 12:57 AM	#9
fudpuck Confirmed User Join Date: May 2004 Location: the woodwork Posts: 885	Great quotes...it just sucks. I saw him at the Improv in Baltimore a couple years ago, he was one of my favorites. R.I.P. Mitch. __________________ AMK Hosting - 3.2Ghz, 1GB RAM, 2x300GB RAID1 + 10Mbps for $249mo. ICQ: 15898919 - Ask me about remote backups for your data.