DVTimes

> > The First Affair
> >
> > A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
> > passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
> > made
> > passionate love all afternoon.
> >
> > Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
> > PM.
> >
> > As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
> > outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
> > nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
> >
> > "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
> >
> > "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
> > secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
> > didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
> >
> > The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've
> >
> > been playing golf!"
> >
> >
> > The Second Affair
> >
> > There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
> > teenage
> > daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they
> > always wanted.
> >
> > After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,
> >
> > delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
> > rushed
> > into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
> >
> > to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told
> >
> > her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
> >
> > "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
> > stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
> >
> > The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
> >
> >
> > The Third Affair
> >
> > A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
> > dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
> > examined the body of Mr Tobias , who was about to be cremated, he made
> >
> > an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the lo ngest private part he had
> > ever
> > seen!!
> >
> > "I'm sorry, Mr.Tobias ", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
> >
> > to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has
> >
> > to be saved for posterity."
> >
> > With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling.
> >
> > He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first person
> >
> > he showed it to was his wife.
> >
> > "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
> > opened up his briefcase.
> >
> > "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Tobias is dead!"
> >
> >
> > The Fourth Affair
> >
> > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
> > the
> > front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
> >
> > rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
> > "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
> >
> > statue."
> >
> > "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room .
> >
> > "Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one
> > for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more
> > was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
> >
> > Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
> > kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
> >
> >
> > "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
> >
> > the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
> >
> > water."
> >
> >
> > The Fifth Affair
> >
> > A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
> >
> > for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
> >
> > "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and
> >
> > asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a
> > fried egg?"
> >
> > "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
> > "How much money?" inquires the man.
> >
> > "4 cents," the bartender replied.
> >
> > "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
> > place?"
> >
> > The bartender! replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
> >
> > The man says, "What's he do doing upstairs with your wife?"
> >
> > The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
> >
> >
> > The Sixth Affair
> >
> > Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
> >
> > his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
> > praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
> > began to move slightly.
> >
> > "Becky my darling," he whispered.
> >
> > "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
> >
> > He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
> > something
> > that I must confess."
> >
> > "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's
> > all right, go to sleep."
> >
> > "No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best
> >
> > friend, her best friend and your mother!"
> >
> > "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
> >

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