so, i'm talking to the pets the other day......................
valentines day is coming up so just look at me as your love doctor, or HITCH if you will.
here is a collection of advice from yours truly Mwaaaaaaaaaaah (k) and not one, but two Penthouse Pets.
ok, how not to fuck up valentines day and end up scoring with your own wife or girlfriend.
uncategorically, valentines day is the hardest day of the year to fuck someone who you have been fucking for years.
plan to win
valentines day morning
wake her with soft gentle music and sweet nothings whispered in the ear. or, give her the gift that keeps on giving day after day...... morning wood!
make her a light breakfast, don't forget its about the thought, not how extravagant it is. different breakfast fruits are great, strawberrries, mango, pineapple, apples, etc. serve with low carb waffles or eggos, my personal favorite, and an instant flashback to childhood, and goodtimes in her mind, (you hope). depending on whether or not you are both going to work, crack a little baby bottle of piper champagne. like i said, a baby bottle of it, not a whole 750 ml version. you want to make it to evening. and, for christ sakes, put a rose on the tray or table. +1 point.
lunchtime/noon
if you've both gone to work, have flowers delivered to her place of work. not only will you score points with her for being a big oaff and having a little heart, you will give her juice with her co-workers. the last thing you want is your woman not getting flowers at work when that bitch she's been competing with, gets 2 dozen red roses. OUCH! so, dig in the pockets and get loose on the roses dog. accompany this delivery with the invitation to dinner at home. jsut to get her in the state of mind of whats to come for the rest of the evening. remember, you are the man, and its her day, through your eyes. you have to show her that you can think romantically for yourself. p.s. its best that you take the day off, your ass is gonna be busy not fucking up this day for her.
evening
jesus you better know how to cook. since there are so many variations of dinner, food ideas are on you. as a professional i do suggest that you dont serve anything heavy. great foods include ahi tuna, dishes that focus on vegetables, etc. etc. the basic point is to make sure she doesn't want to sleep after you eat.
ok, cardinal rule # 1 is to not go out to a restaurant. you msut convince her that you can turn your lair into that sexually desireable space that she wants to be in. music is key. now as a music pro, i suggest BUDDAH BAR SUPPER CLUB. if you listen to this advice, and what the Pets have to say, you are golden to give your lady one of the best nights ever. this music will get you laid.
THE WINE
ok, heres where it gets tricky, if you want wine advice for chicks, ask chicks.
so, i'm talking to two of the hottest girls i know, Aimee Sweet and Aria Giovanni. You must get this wine for Valentines Day. the Pets say that the wine to get you an inside the park home run is
Chateauneuf Du Pape pronounced
SHATO NOOF DUE POP you want to get the 2002 bottle. and, guys you will be stoked, you can look like a rockstar wine god for about 36 bucks for this bottle. you can't fuck it up. look it up on the internet and go to a upper n class neighbor hood, they will have it. its french and an import.
they both go mad crazy over this wine. they have me out buying it and i'm single. (p.s. valentines day is my favorite day of the year) i always meet and console nice, lonely girls on valentines day, hence the wine buy i just made.
now, a brief brush up
1) breakfast in bed. bound and gag the kids in the basement if necessary,l its only one day, people can live for at least 3 days without food, they'll be fine.
2) flowers to the place of employment. at the bare minimum, one dozen. feel free to be creative with arrangements, but unless you want to die, there better be at least one red rose, or you're a goner. tip the delivery driver extra to chant very loudly through the office "flowers for Miss whateverthefuckhernameis"
3) dinner alone in your cave. don't fuck this one up. its only about 5 things
a) atmosphere - low lights and candles. lots of candles. dont burn the place down, fires are very "not romantic"
b) the wine- listen to the pets.
c) the food - this is up to you. remember light foods mean lots of athletic activity after dinner.
d) the music - listen to the dj. if you ever listened to me, listen this time. most of the time, im a bantering idiot, but i know this part.
e) think first talk second. even if you don't give a shit, make like the entire conversation is about her for this one night. she doesn't want to hear about freakin carburators on sale at Napa Auto Parts or the huge zit on your buddies ass at the gym. at least not on valentines day. talk about queer eye for the gay guy kinda shit. +3 points.
and for god almightys sake in the sky. turn off your cell phone. the main reason for staying in is so you dont fuck up and check out some other dudes chick at a restaurant. the last thing you need is some heartbroken x drunk on valentines day to call you and ask for you back right in the middle of dinner. OUCH!
there you have it. you can do it. i was bored so i wrote this, now im tired of doing it, so please continue for me with your advice.
peace.
valentines day is coming up so just look at me as your love doctor, or HITCH if you will.
here is a collection of advice from yours truly Mwaaaaaaaaaaah (k) and not one, but two Penthouse Pets.
ok, how not to fuck up valentines day and end up scoring with your own wife or girlfriend.
uncategorically, valentines day is the hardest day of the year to fuck someone who you have been fucking for years.
plan to win
valentines day morning
wake her with soft gentle music and sweet nothings whispered in the ear. or, give her the gift that keeps on giving day after day...... morning wood!
make her a light breakfast, don't forget its about the thought, not how extravagant it is. different breakfast fruits are great, strawberrries, mango, pineapple, apples, etc. serve with low carb waffles or eggos, my personal favorite, and an instant flashback to childhood, and goodtimes in her mind, (you hope). depending on whether or not you are both going to work, crack a little baby bottle of piper champagne. like i said, a baby bottle of it, not a whole 750 ml version. you want to make it to evening. and, for christ sakes, put a rose on the tray or table. +1 point.
lunchtime/noon
if you've both gone to work, have flowers delivered to her place of work. not only will you score points with her for being a big oaff and having a little heart, you will give her juice with her co-workers. the last thing you want is your woman not getting flowers at work when that bitch she's been competing with, gets 2 dozen red roses. OUCH! so, dig in the pockets and get loose on the roses dog. accompany this delivery with the invitation to dinner at home. jsut to get her in the state of mind of whats to come for the rest of the evening. remember, you are the man, and its her day, through your eyes. you have to show her that you can think romantically for yourself. p.s. its best that you take the day off, your ass is gonna be busy not fucking up this day for her.
evening
jesus you better know how to cook. since there are so many variations of dinner, food ideas are on you. as a professional i do suggest that you dont serve anything heavy. great foods include ahi tuna, dishes that focus on vegetables, etc. etc. the basic point is to make sure she doesn't want to sleep after you eat.
ok, cardinal rule # 1 is to not go out to a restaurant. you msut convince her that you can turn your lair into that sexually desireable space that she wants to be in. music is key. now as a music pro, i suggest BUDDAH BAR SUPPER CLUB. if you listen to this advice, and what the Pets have to say, you are golden to give your lady one of the best nights ever. this music will get you laid. THE WINE
ok, heres where it gets tricky, if you want wine advice for chicks, ask chicks.
so, i'm talking to two of the hottest girls i know, Aimee Sweet and Aria Giovanni. You must get this wine for Valentines Day. the Pets say that the wine to get you an inside the park home run is
Chateauneuf Du Pape pronounced
SHATO NOOF DUE POP you want to get the 2002 bottle. and, guys you will be stoked, you can look like a rockstar wine god for about 36 bucks for this bottle. you can't fuck it up. look it up on the internet and go to a upper n class neighbor hood, they will have it. its french and an import.
they both go mad crazy over this wine. they have me out buying it and i'm single. (p.s. valentines day is my favorite day of the year) i always meet and console nice, lonely girls on valentines day, hence the wine buy i just made.
now, a brief brush up
1) breakfast in bed. bound and gag the kids in the basement if necessary,l its only one day, people can live for at least 3 days without food, they'll be fine.
2) flowers to the place of employment. at the bare minimum, one dozen. feel free to be creative with arrangements, but unless you want to die, there better be at least one red rose, or you're a goner. tip the delivery driver extra to chant very loudly through the office "flowers for Miss whateverthefuckhernameis"
3) dinner alone in your cave. don't fuck this one up. its only about 5 things
a) atmosphere - low lights and candles. lots of candles. dont burn the place down, fires are very "not romantic"
b) the wine- listen to the pets.
c) the food - this is up to you. remember light foods mean lots of athletic activity after dinner.
d) the music - listen to the dj. if you ever listened to me, listen this time. most of the time, im a bantering idiot, but i know this part.
e) think first talk second. even if you don't give a shit, make like the entire conversation is about her for this one night. she doesn't want to hear about freakin carburators on sale at Napa Auto Parts or the huge zit on your buddies ass at the gym. at least not on valentines day. talk about queer eye for the gay guy kinda shit. +3 points.
and for god almightys sake in the sky. turn off your cell phone. the main reason for staying in is so you dont fuck up and check out some other dudes chick at a restaurant. the last thing you need is some heartbroken x drunk on valentines day to call you and ask for you back right in the middle of dinner. OUCH!
there you have it. you can do it. i was bored so i wrote this, now im tired of doing it, so please continue for me with your advice.
peace.
Ivanov - The Original Russian Board Guy
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