Best complaint letter ever written. - GoFuckYourself.com

Squishy · 11-09-2001, 02:00 PM

Only the British can be this snotty...gotta love 'em.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website?. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ? a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%? these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman?. and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don?t care, it?s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That?s why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn?t anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it?s worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,

Xxxx Xxxxxxx

Amputate Your Head · 11-09-2001, 02:07 PM

Sweet.

GiggleBerries · 11-09-2001, 02:42 PM

Oh my god. I think I just laughed myself a hernia!! I'd cry if someone sent me a letter like that (and not just because of the enclosed cat turds).

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cheque · 11-09-2001, 02:48 PM

Only Mr. Bean is better.

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Matt · 11-09-2001, 02:49 PM

that was great

CDSmith · 11-09-2001, 03:48 PM

"A very enjoyable read" -- the CDSmith Times.

"Three thumbs up" -- the National Smith.

"It was both floor-rolling hilarious and maliciously delicious, kudos to the author" -- CD Chronicle.

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[This message has been edited by CDSmith (edited 11-09-2001).]

SleazyDream · 11-09-2001, 03:57 PM

the letter would have been longer and ruder and would have contained more cat poo if he lived in Manitoba and had to deal with MTS.

DarkJedi · 11-09-2001, 04:05 PM

Quote:

...smoking B&H...

actually, i think it's H&B

the letter kicks ass

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[This message has been edited by DarkJedi (edited 11-09-2001).]

B.Diker · 11-09-2001, 04:14 PM

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JakeR · 11-09-2001, 04:26 PM

rofl

Bake · 11-09-2001, 06:56 PM

That is very good cheered up my day , Its B&H in england

jimmyf · 11-09-2001, 07:09 PM

Funny funny

Jim

Frank · 11-09-2001, 07:13 PM

too long to read...

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eroswebmaster · 11-10-2001, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Squishy:
Only the British can be this snotty...gotta love 'em.

I agree Squishy...we had an English receptionist working in our office about 10 years ago who's husband was having some trouble with an Alfa Romeo they had purchased in Los Angeles.

The car quite clearly falled under the Lemon Law guidelines, but the letter she wrote to the dealer was hilarious. I wish I had kept a copy of it because quite honestly it should have been made available for distribution.

The most hilarious part was where she was describing how when the dealers were supposed to fix a short in the lighter that would either shut off the engine when pushed in, or keep them from being able to roll their windows down...Alfa Romeo offered them an expensive lighter to use in the meantime...and that too was broke...LOL.

But this lady could match wits with the likes of a John Cleese or even Prime Minister Blair...LOL...who I love to watch on c-span and of course the rest of the house of commons who apparently are retired writers for Monty Python...LOL

eros

Osholio · 11-10-2001, 08:47 AM

I can affirm the author's opinion, NTL (who's slogan used to be 'Technology, Tamed') have some of the most incompetent minimum-wage fuckwits working for them it has ever been my misfortune to deal with.

When I used their dial up internet service, it would often break, and I would phone them to inform them of such, and be greeted by a wall of ignorance and side-stepping of Oliver Northian proportions:

Me - "Your DNS servers aren't working, please fix them"

NTL Drone - "Please right mouse click on the My Computer icon and select properties, then select Device Manager"

Me - "I run NT4, I don't have a device manager, the problem is with your dead DNS servers"

ND - "Sorry, we don't support NT4, please call back when you are using a supported operating system. (click)"

Or the time they tried to tell me that the constant busy tone on their access numbers was a fault with my modem.

Or the time(s) I repeatidly pointed out one of their routers was so badly configured it was adding 600ms to all traffic going through it, making everything incredibly slow. I was told the problem was because I didn't know how to read traceroute output. That particular drone very nearly got me to hunt him down and kill him like a common pigmy.

When their systems work, NTL's services are really good, their cable modems are relatively trouble free, and their cable TV offering is competative.

Just never, ever, talk to an NTL drone without valium or rum.

PS. Their current slogan is 'The complete communications company'. My irony meter broke at that point.

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11-09-2001, 02:00 PM	#1
Squishy Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Hiding from you. Posts: 1,809	Best complaint letter ever written. Only the British can be this snotty...gotta love 'em. Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website?. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ? a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%? these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman?. and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don?t care, it?s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That?s why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn?t anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it?s worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats, Yours psychotically, Xxxx Xxxxxxx

11-09-2001, 03:48 PM	#6
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	"A very enjoyable read" -- <font size=-2>the CDSmith Times.</font> "Three thumbs up" -- <font size=-2>the National Smith.</font> "It was both floor-rolling hilarious and maliciously delicious, kudos to the author" -- <font size=-2>CD Chronicle.</font> <font face="Verdana">___________ CD * <a href="http://www.sunsetbeachbabes.com/" TARGET="_blank"><font color="#FFFFDD"> Sunset Beach Party</font></a> Centerfolds ~ Amateurs ~ Teens, <a href="http://www.sunsetbeachbabes.com/webmasters.html" TARGET="_blank">new trades</a> welcome. * <a href="http://clickthrutraffic.com/scripts/signup.php?referer=cdsmith" TARGET="_blank"><font color="#FFDDFF"> Click-thrutraffic.com</font></a> 5 cents up to 20 cents per click! * <a href="http://www.erasercash.com/wm.html?ID=1380291" TARGET="_blank"><font face="Verdana" color="#FFCCCC">ERASERCASH!</font></a> Earn $35 per sale + webmaster referrals 4 LEVELS DEEP</font> [This message has been edited by CDSmith (edited 11-09-2001).]

11-09-2001, 02:07 PM	#2
Amputate Your Head There can be only one Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Somewhere else Posts: 39,075	Sweet.

11-09-2001, 02:42 PM	#3
GiggleBerries Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: The pay phone outside the 7-11 Posts: 357	Oh my god. I think I just laughed myself a hernia!! I'd cry if someone sent me a letter like that (and not just because of the enclosed cat turds). ------------------ Dot Matrix TGP System

11-09-2001, 02:48 PM	#4
cheque Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 259	Only Mr. Bean is better. ------------------ Check out this Hot PornstarGarden.com Partnership Program PornstarGarden Partnership Program

11-09-2001, 02:49 PM	#5
Matt Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 173	that was great

11-09-2001, 03:57 PM	#7
SleazyDream I'm here for SPORT Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phone # (401) 285-0696 Posts: 41,470	the letter would have been longer and ruder and would have contained more cat poo if he lived in Manitoba and had to deal with MTS.

11-09-2001, 04:14 PM	#9
B.Diker Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 1,286	------------------ Bora Diker Icq : 2044000 Dialoff.Com : Online since Aug 2000

11-09-2001, 04:26 PM	#10
JakeR Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: il and nc Posts: 1,760	rofl

11-09-2001, 06:56 PM	#11
Bake Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Outback of bumfuck Aussie Posts: 5,483	That is very good cheered up my day , Its B&H in england

11-09-2001, 07:09 PM	#12
jimmyf OU812 Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: California Posts: 12,651	Funny funny Jim

11-09-2001, 07:13 PM	#13
Frank Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Your neighborhood Posts: 220	too long to read... ------------------ <A HREF="http://stats.adultrevenueservice.com/wmrefer.php?103383" TARGET=_blank> </A>

11-10-2001, 08:47 AM	#15
Osholio Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: UK Posts: 99	I can affirm the author's opinion, NTL (who's slogan used to be 'Technology, Tamed') have some of the most incompetent minimum-wage fuckwits working for them it has ever been my misfortune to deal with. When I used their dial up internet service, it would often break, and I would phone them to inform them of such, and be greeted by a wall of ignorance and side-stepping of Oliver Northian proportions: Me - "Your DNS servers aren't working, please fix them" NTL Drone - "Please right mouse click on the My Computer icon and select properties, then select Device Manager" Me - "I run NT4, I don't have a device manager, the problem is with your dead DNS servers" ND - "Sorry, we don't support NT4, please call back when you are using a supported operating system. (click)" Or the time they tried to tell me that the constant busy tone on their access numbers was a fault with my modem. Or the time(s) I repeatidly pointed out one of their routers was so badly configured it was adding 600ms to all traffic going through it, making everything incredibly slow. I was told the problem was because I didn't know how to read traceroute output. That particular drone very nearly got me to hunt him down and kill him like a common pigmy. When their systems work, NTL's services are really good, their cable modems are relatively trouble free, and their cable TV offering is competative. Just never, ever, talk to an NTL drone without valium or rum. PS. Their current slogan is 'The complete communications company'. My irony meter broke at that point. ------------------ ClickCash - Better than 1:99 and $50 for signing up Lightspeed Cash - Converts like crazy