Sex Horoscopes for December 13th - 19th [Full List Inside]

[Twe Russ]

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Last week's new moon was a signal of change, so this is a good week to experiment. Just don't go overboard on Monday or Tuesday. On Wednesday, stay home and make a list of all the naughty things you'd like to try this year. While the stars firmly believe that all New Year's resolutions are for suckers, there's absolutely no shame in asking Santa for a lover that used to be in Cirque du Soleil. For the next two weeks, show your softer side in public. Try to be easygoing this weekend: let people come to you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Sunday's New Moon heralds an unstable week. We think that's exciting. The week before Christmas is the best time to be unstable: everyone feels crazy, and everyone wants nothing more than sex and a decent present. Monday's the day to seek out that single friend you've always wanted to sleep with. On Tuesday and Friday, you'll be feeling inclined to swing whichever way you haven't as of late. If you're in a relationship, be warned: on Thursday you're going to be one soppy romantic. If you make a date with your lover, please make it for dinner and a movie ? at home.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A little advice: don't think, do. It's only when you take action that you get action, and if you don't get any on Monday night, you'll find yourself daydreaming about sweaty sheets and historic orgasms on Tuesday. The reverse motion of the planet Mercury is causing your imagination to run wild, and wouldn't life be better if you could spend your time and energy coming up with innovative plans for the rest of the week? (Hint: the answer is yes.) Just be careful if you choose to augment this fantastic voyage with other substances.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
The theme of this week is friction, and unfortunately it's not the good kind. On Monday, the person you'd like to sleep with would rather bitch at you. Don?t bother trying to figure out what's wrong with them until Tuesday, a great day for fixing problems or moving on to better things. Either way, we recommend taking the night off on Wednesday. Stay home and stay away from any self-love, because a little pent-up energy will come in handy on Thursday. Your good sexual fortune will continue through the weekend, so hit holiday parties, where desperation is palpable.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Monday, someone will want to fuck you based on what they see you reading, so choose your tome wisely. (Do you really want someone who thinks He's Just Not That Into You is a turn-on?) It's Sleep With a Friend or a Friend of a Friend Wednesday, so endure a holiday party or two. There's nothing better than a party favor you can take home and undress. Extreme opposites attract on Thursday. Generally, the stars think weekends are for amateurs, but with your sex life hitting new highs in the coming weeks, we say find yourself some eggnog.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Be constructive during the first half of the week, because you'll be able to combine a levelheaded approach to work with a desire for harmony and cooperation. It's the holidays, therefore most people, while still at work, aren't thinking about work. They're thinking about drinking and their families and drinking and fucking and drinking. Why are we telling you this? Because you'd be wise to get a head start on the drinking and fornicating. If you don?t, you're likely to focus on mundane things like work (yawn), chores (yawn) and who's likely to piss off whom first at Christmas dinner. The answer is the same every year . . . don?t waste your time.

Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
If you're in a relationship, Monday's the day to discuss where you stand. If you're single and have a fuck buddy, actual romance might be in the works. (The stars worry about fuck-buddy romances that bloom around the holiday season. We're not saying it won't last past New Year's, but lunar nodes suggest you postpone declarations of love until you determine who else is interested in you. Trust us, someone new is interested.) Starting Thursday, a New Moon in Sagittarius is looking to alter your relationship patterns. Regardless of whom you choose, remember: if you never ask, they might never give it to you.

Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Tuesday's a good day for a little extra benevolence in the bedroom. Your altruism will ensure that Wednesday's talk with a lover meets your expectations. If you're single, get your ass out of the house on Wednesday night. You'll automatically connect with a "soul mate," and we all know what happens when someone meets a "soul mate" over the holidays. Everyone forgets the no-sex-on-the-first-date rule and goes at it. And at it. And at it. Your sexual good fortune will translate into impressive performance at work on Thursday and Friday, so celebrate on Saturday.

Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
This week, stand by for fundamental changes in a close relationship. A secret might surface, and the pheromones are going be out of control. Some sex might be had with a formerly unrequited crush by mid-week. That said, you might want to avoid said potential sleepover buddy on Tuesday. Wednesday, take them to a party. Spread the love (and some legs) during the rest of the week. We know ? the whole point of that confession was to stop sleeping around, but it is Christmas, so give yourself the present of permission.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
"At my bedside, empty pocket, a foot without a sock/ Your body gets much closer/ I fumble for the clock, alarmed by/ The seduction/ I wish that it would stop." God bless Squeeze. We know they're so Reality Bites, but get over it and pay attention to their sagacious ? dare we say prophetic? ? lyrics. You're going to be tempted by the fruit of another this week. If you're single and they're single, this is good news. If you're not and/or they're not, well, we'll leave that one up to you. Either way, you're going to be moody on Tuesday, so wait until Wednesday to make your move. Spend the rest of the week taking solace in the familiar. Breakup sex and fuck buddies are highly recommended.

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
It's inspiration Monday for you, so if you've got an office party to attend, we suggest hitting on someone hotter and more powerful than you. They can't fire you if you promise not to sue. It's Pity Fuck Tuesday, so if you're single, bed someone more hard-up than yourself, then lose them forever by saying you really like them but you're too afraid of getting hurt again to take things further (we know it's lame). Wednesday, you'll feel lucky. Starting on Thursday and lasting the rest of the month, you'll attract a bevy of new faces.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
We hope you like dramatic, quite-possibly-traumatic Tuesdays, because something's going to happen that's been brewing for awhile: a breakup, a makeup, a screaming fight with your girlfriend's older sister that culminates with her shouting out, "but I love you and want to fuck you in my childhood bed." On Tuesday, you'll be feeling conciliatory or compassionate. Remember: nice people often come last, if given the chance to come at all. Then it's Watch Your Belongings Thursday. Ensure whomever you bring home on Wednesday night leaves on Wednesday night.