Bake

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on
> >his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of
> >the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the
> >young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her
> >robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor
> >Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
> >After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
> >Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
> >He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and
> >leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
> >purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
> >Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
>ears!"
> >
> >Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
> >they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
> >solid! Look at my skin....no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel
> >the best part of my body is my ears?"
> >Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard
> >someone coming...That was me."

Thricedead

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand
just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....+5
in the snow.....+8
but return with beer....-5
and no liners....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron....+10
It's her cat....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany....-4
Tiffany is a lap dancer....-10
With breast implants....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday....0
You buy a card and flowers....0
You take her out to dinner.... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team........-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal....0
The pal is happily married....+1
The pal is single....-7
He drives a Ferrari....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate......+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."....-800 >

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding....-10
You reply, "Where?"....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"....-100
Any other response....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression....0
You listen, for over 30minutes....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience....+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,what do you think I should do"....-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....-200




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I wonder what it's like
to be forgetful?

Nasdaq

After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear,he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

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Nasdaq
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