One guy's taser story -- a very good read - GoFuckYourself.com

CDSmith · 09-22-2004, 10:32 AM

This is a good read, so read it.....

I bought something really cool, what I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree? ).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight?always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ********* DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . sure would like to get 'em back.

Manowar · 09-22-2004, 10:36 AM

thats awesome, Those things pack a punch - i really wouldn't have considered giving myself a zapping

GiantGnome · 09-22-2004, 10:38 AM

that was my wifes cousin that wrote that. not very smart but it was very funny.

Buddy · 09-22-2004, 10:41 AM

if there was a Best Of GFY Award, you would win for today.

Phoenix · 09-22-2004, 10:46 AM

oh god...man i hope younever try that again

Jeff aka NIGHTfall · 09-22-2004, 10:47 AM

hahahahha thats fucking awsome bro!

block · 09-22-2004, 10:49 AM

Great story.

jimmyf · 09-22-2004, 10:55 AM

2 funny

wonder how many people have done it.

I have a bug buster, for sapping fly's and such, just had 2 try it knocked the shit out me.

A few years ago bought a few 1,000 of them for $ 2.00 sold' em on the net for $10.00 each

CDSmith · 09-22-2004, 11:24 AM

I wonder how many on this board would have zapped the cat.

CDSmith · 09-22-2004, 12:17 PM

Quote:

I wonder how many on this board would have zapped the cat.

No one's going to admit it eh?

I know some here would. ha ha

Holly · 09-22-2004, 12:38 PM

**yawn**

So old.

brizzad · 09-22-2004, 05:26 PM

i dont really believe that.. there has to be more to it..

I have a 100,000 volt taser.. ive shocked myself with it, and shocked friends with it who wanted to know the feeling.. and the experience was definately nowhere near the above story

wdsguy · 09-22-2004, 06:05 PM

hahha i could just imagine the cat going like, do it again thats so cool!!

Living For Today · 09-22-2004, 06:09 PM

I dont think they sell those things in Australia yet. Im sure I saw them do it to themselves on jackass though and it didnt have that much of an effect.

CDSmith · 09-22-2004, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Holly
**yawn**

So old.

Ahhh SHIT... the LAST thing I wanted to do this week was bore my lovely Hollygirl.

Talk about

'ing myself in the ass.

BrainDead · 09-22-2004, 07:40 PM

that's really funny! thanks for sharing!

reynold · 09-22-2004, 07:44 PM

great story! nice to read that one

gornyhuy · 09-22-2004, 07:47 PM

I wonder how long he actually got zapped.

griffin · 09-22-2004, 08:01 PM

I have 500,000 volt stun baton, and its startling but thats about it.

xenigo · 09-22-2004, 08:18 PM

Funny as HELL story. Had me cryin' I was laughing so damn hard. What's the make and model of this tazer?

Screaming · 09-22-2004, 08:54 PM

that is funny as hell man

Goatse · 09-22-2004, 09:23 PM

As a skinny, dorky guy who could get beat up by elderly women, I'm a big fam of tasers. Typical stun guns are NOT powerful enough, but the new generation of tasers has proven to pack one hell of a punch. There are even cases of fatalities.

09-22-2004, 10:32 AM	#1
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	One guy's taser story -- a very good read This is a good read, so read it..... I bought something really cool, what I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree? ). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight?always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ******* DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-* that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . sure would like to get 'em back. __________________ Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!** ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

09-22-2004, 10:38 AM	#3
GiantGnome Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Nebraska Posts: 4,344	that was my wifes cousin that wrote that. not very smart but it was very funny. __________________ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-Darth Vader

09-22-2004, 10:41 AM	#4
Buddy Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: FlashCa$h Headquarters Posts: 1,828	if there was a Best Of GFY Award, you would win for today. __________________ -165486536 Disce quotidie * Ride quotidie * Ama quotidie * Cresce quotidie FlashCa$h Who the hell am I?

09-22-2004, 10:46 AM	#5
Phoenix BACON BACON BACON Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Poems everybody, the laddie fancies himself a poet Posts: 35,462	oh god...man i hope younever try that again __________________ Skype Phoenixskype1 Telegram PhoenixBrad https://quantads.io

09-22-2004, 10:47 AM	#6
Jeff aka NIGHTfall Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Port St. Lucie, Florida Posts: 5,162	hahahahha thats fucking awsome bro! __________________ Register Now For PimpinPays.com

09-22-2004, 10:36 AM	#2
Manowar jellyfish Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 71,528	thats awesome, Those things pack a punch - i really wouldn't have considered giving myself a zapping

09-22-2004, 10:49 AM	#7
block Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Winnipeg, Canada - cough check sig cough Posts: 1,258	Great story. __________________ ICQ - 19961769

09-22-2004, 10:55 AM	#8
jimmyf OU812 Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: California Posts: 12,651	2 funny wonder how many people have done it. I have a bug buster, for sapping fly's and such, just had 2 try it knocked the shit out me. A few years ago bought a few 1,000 of them for $ 2.00 sold' em on the net for $10.00 each __________________ Epic CashEpic Cash works for me Solar Cash Paysite Plugin Gallery of the day freesites,POTD,Gallery generator with free hosting

09-22-2004, 11:24 AM	#9
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	I wonder how many on this board would have zapped the cat. __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

09-22-2004, 12:38 PM	#11
Holly Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Jesusland Posts: 10,017	yawn So old. __________________ War National Damn Champions Eagle

09-22-2004, 05:26 PM	#12
brizzad holla Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: KFC Posts: 11,769	i dont really believe that.. there has to be more to it.. I have a 100,000 volt taser.. ive shocked myself with it, and shocked friends with it who wanted to know the feeling.. and the experience was definately nowhere near the above story

09-22-2004, 06:05 PM	#13
wdsguy Ryde or Die Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: California-Shanghai Posts: 19,568	hahha i could just imagine the cat going like, do it again thats so cool!!

09-22-2004, 06:09 PM	#14
Living For Today Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 3,970	I dont think they sell those things in Australia yet. Im sure I saw them do it to themselves on jackass though and it didnt have that much of an effect.

09-22-2004, 07:40 PM	#16
BrainDead So Fucking Banned Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 1,536	that's really funny! thanks for sharing!

09-22-2004, 07:44 PM	#17
reynold Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Global Traveler Posts: 51,271	great story! nice to read that one

09-22-2004, 07:47 PM	#18
gornyhuy Chafed. Join Date: May 2002 Location: Face Down in Pussy Posts: 18,041	I wonder how long he actually got zapped. __________________ icq:159548293

09-22-2004, 08:01 PM	#19
griffin Registered User Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 87	I have 500,000 volt stun baton, and its startling but thats about it.

09-22-2004, 08:18 PM	#20
xenigo Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Oakland, CA Posts: 8,067	Funny as HELL story. Had me cryin' I was laughing so damn hard. What's the make and model of this tazer?

09-22-2004, 08:54 PM	#21
Screaming I can change this!!!!! Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 18,972	that is funny as hell man __________________

09-22-2004, 09:23 PM	#22
Goatse Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 2,086	As a skinny, dorky guy who could get beat up by elderly women, I'm a big fam of tasers. Typical stun guns are NOT powerful enough, but the new generation of tasers has proven to pack one hell of a punch. There are even cases of fatalities.