THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS (funny shit) - GoFuckYourself.com

KHO · 08-26-2004, 10:40 AM

THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, the eagerly awaited, and all true Darwin Awards. They are finally out again. It's the annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....

7) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him violently ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6) A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.

"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was merely hospitalized.

2) Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.

Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.

Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....

Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are not a good mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.

Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the Ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't actually die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of incredible stupidity, we have allowed it and presented the Award.

mardigras · 08-26-2004, 11:03 AM

I think these guys should be top winner of the year

Quote:

5) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Reak · 08-26-2004, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by mardigras
I think these guys should be top winner of the year

What he said

Screaming · 08-26-2004, 11:09 AM

wow that is horrible

Fake Nick · 08-26-2004, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by psyko514
those aren't really darwin awards.

the darwin awards are given to someone who removes themself from the gene pool either by killing themselves or by losing their reproductive functions.

you can see the awards on www.darwinawards.com

yep all brand new darwin awards

http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showth...hreadid=326523

Floridiot · 08-26-2004, 11:29 AM

MandyBlake · 08-26-2004, 12:09 PM

I think the most stupid one is #2.
That was fucked up.

Plan9 · 08-26-2004, 12:12 PM

All fake, but funny nonetheless

ModelPerfect · 08-26-2004, 12:30 PM

"Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward."

Deepai · 08-26-2004, 12:40 PM

all very very sad.......

Doctor Dre · 08-26-2004, 09:55 PM

EviLGuY · 08-26-2004, 10:11 PM

Someone posted this already.. but still good for a chuckle.

JustinF · 08-26-2004, 10:47 PM

#6 gets my vote

GatorB · 08-26-2004, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Plan9
All fake, but funny nonetheless

Nope. I stupid crap like this has happened for real.

wdsguy · 08-26-2004, 10:55 PM

lol so of those are funny as heck

webmaster x · 08-26-2004, 10:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Doctor Dre

I knew this was gonna come up sooner or later

EpicLisa · 08-26-2004, 10:58 PM

I have bought the books for the past few years and they are hilarious . . . true or untrue

08-26-2004, 10:40 AM	#1
KHO Registered User Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Houston Posts: 53	THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS (funny shit) THE 2004 DARWIN AWARDS Yes, the eagerly awaited, and all true Darwin Awards. They are finally out again. It's the annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order are..... 7) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him violently ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 6) A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. 5) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 4) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." 3) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was merely hospitalized. 2) Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE.... Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are not a good mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the Ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't actually die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of incredible stupidity, we have allowed it and presented the Award.

08-26-2004, 11:09 AM	#4
Screaming I can change this!!!!! Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 18,972	wow that is horrible __________________

08-26-2004, 12:09 PM	#7
MandyBlake The one and only! Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Atlanta, GA Posts: 17,761	I think the most stupid one is #2. That was fucked up. __________________ Mandy's Playhouse Her First Fat Girl If you're interested in promoting my sites, ICQ me! 178411921

08-26-2004, 12:30 PM	#9
ModelPerfect Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: USA Posts: 2,862	"Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward." __________________ Logan modelperfect [at] gmail.com http://www.modelperfect.com (Proudly hosted at www.webair.com )

08-26-2004, 12:40 PM	#10
Deepai Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Seattle, WA. Posts: 1,583	all very very sad....... __________________ SOULCASH BULLFIGHTER THE BAND

08-26-2004, 11:29 AM	#6
Floridiot Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: fort lauderdale Posts: 1,346	__________________ Need custom Tshirts? i provide quality shirts, screen printing, and personalized labels with your logo. For a catalog email me at: [email protected]

08-26-2004, 12:12 PM	#8
Plan9 Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Seattle Posts: 1,801	All fake, but funny nonetheless

08-26-2004, 10:11 PM	#12
EviLGuY So Fucking Banned Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: malta Posts: 12,745	Someone posted this already.. but still good for a chuckle.

08-26-2004, 10:47 PM	#13
JustinF Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 286	#6 gets my vote

08-26-2004, 10:55 PM	#15
wdsguy Ryde or Die Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: California-Shanghai Posts: 19,568	lol so of those are funny as heck

08-26-2004, 10:58 PM	#17
EpicLisa Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 305	I have bought the books for the past few years and they are hilarious . . . true or untrue __________________ PIMPDOG ROCKS MY WORLD!! [email protected]