So I woke up this am with a fucking cough...

might be Whooping Cough

Bend over baby, I'll give you a whoooping!

ya baby

This won't help your cough but maybe it will make you laugh, a Bette Midler "Soph" bit about having a cold

I will never forget it you know. For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear.
It used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that I didn't wear no underwear.
One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to go see the doctor."
I said, "All right, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknownced
to me this is what he told the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible
cold, but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no underwear. That's
the reason she got this cold is on account she don't wear no underwear--got that?"
"Right oh," said the doctor. So I, like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office.
Doctor says "Soph, open up your mouth and say 'ahh'". I opened my mouth I said 'ahh'.
He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no underwear." I
said, "I beg your pardon, doctor." He said to me, "Soph you ain't wearing no underwear."
I said, "Doc, you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?"
He said, "That's right Soph." I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my ass
and tell me if my hat's on straight!"