karlm

Found this on another board thought i would share it.

Turd Types:

Machine Gun

The buildup of gas from a poor diet can result in the production of these .50 Cal arse bullets. Often catching you by surprise and having you cling onto the bowl for dear life only to have the police arrive to investigate the disturbance. Note: While they?re rapid firing, aim is secondary and you?ll need to clean the bowl afterwards.


Log Jam

We?ve all been there, the uncomfortable lower gut feeling, the sudden realization that if you don?t go to the toilet RIGHT NOW! You?ll need new underwear. So you sprint to the lav, whipping the tweeds off in mid run and then discover? it won?t come out? nope, not a hint *political joke warning* It?s like trying to get Israel out of the West Bank. Infact, you don?t need to go anymore? so you get up, walk out and just as you?re half way down the hall it starts all over again. This could last a few days.


Disappearing Boy

The most satisfying of turds can quickly become this stealth assassin. You squeeze him out, hear a splash that resembles Free Willy?s last escape attempt, and turn round to find the bowl? empty? Somone call the government! I?ve discovered a new material for stealth aircraft!


Taking a Leak

Now I?m all for taking a slash when you?re desperate, but I draw the line at it exiting my ass. It?s the Saturday morning, post Curry experience that we Brits are all too familiar with. After a few hours your ring feels like it?s being forged in Mount Doom and is soon to become the subject of an epic quest. The more experienced Vindaloo consumers out there will proudly state that their puckered pal has heat shield qualities NASA dream of. Due to the unpredictable nature of the liquid, 2 sets of underpants are pretty much mandatory.


King Kong

Disbelief is the best way to describe the Post-Kong experience. Firstly, you?re unsure how in the hell that came out of you without the aid of general anesthetic and a Mid Wife. Secondly you?re unsure how it?s going to flush. The latter is a reasonable concern, because no amount of bleach, toilet paper or flushing will kill this beige behemoth. Eventually you reach the end of your tether and decide to stab it to death with the bog brush. If it does flush without a fight, feel sorry for the unwary shipping that may be sunk once it hits the channel.


Splashback

Commonly experienced first thing in the morning, a half awake state quickly becomes sharp surprise as half a gallon of ice cold, post-dump water drenches your nether regions. That?s bad enough, but err.. did I flush last thing last night? A quick shower later and you?re ready for the world.


Surprise Attack

Can commonly be found in conjunction with both ?Taking a Leak? and ?Machine Gun?. You think you?re alone, and while no-ones around decide to squeeze out that fart you?ve been holding in for half an hour. A little encouragement and out it come, followed by just enough turd to make your heart stop. Paticularly effective when in: Board Meetings, Exams, Driving lessons. Infact, any situation where you can?t run to the toilet.

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