A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?
A: So she could use it as a mirror.

If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?

It isn't. It's an electric train.

Y'might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day!

A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!''
Her husband yells back, ''Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?''

The wife replies, ''I don't care! Just get the hell out!''

postbot alert :1orglaugh

Would a postbot be able to tell you to go fuck yourself? :1orglaugh :321GFY :1orglaugh :321GFY

Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?
Because he wanted to look hard!

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn't notice a train coming down the tracks.

As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it's head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.

The moral of the story ? don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Yo mama's so stupid, I said it was chilly outside and she went and grabbed a spoon!

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

There was once a man whose wife had gone for a vacation. When she comes back from vacation and starts reorganizing her wardrobe, the wife finds that there are two panties in her dresser which do not belong to her. Seeing this, she gets very angry and calls her husband and asks him , "Whose panties are these?" Taken aback, he replies, "I have no idea"' She gets really irritated and asks him to tell the truth, and then calls the maid. She questions the maid and asks her who these panties belong to. The maid replies, ''Madam, how do I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't wear panties, you can ask Sir, he knows it.''

Yo mama is so stupid, it took her an hour to make minute rice!

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Yo mama's so bald that when you rub her head you can see into the future.

it amazes me what people will do for $25

You might be a redneck if you have more than one brother named Darryl!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

You might be a redneck if you think a woman who is ''out of your league'' bowls on a different night!

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."
"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?' To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"






E-MAIL THIS PRINT THIS SAVE THIS MOST POPULAR


CURRENT RATING:


RATE IT! 54321
(5 = Hysterical 1 = Blows)

Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, ?Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind.? The boy said, ?Dad, I'm over here.?

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss. The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss. They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss. The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.''

:glugglug

hay hay hay!

la de la de la de

who in the lead?

$25.00.....................................:321GFY

Humm well I guess I am alone!

waba waba waba

so who wants some of me!

la de la de da

cant stop wont stop!

I go hard on the got damn drank I go hard on the got damn dank

Can you see me!