The person who posts the most in this thread in the next 96 hours wins $100 paypal

[cornhusker]

Yo mama is so disgusting that every time she bends over to tie her shoes, she's gotta fart!

[cornhusker]

How many Osamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves

[cornhusker]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

[cornhusker]

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?
A: They can both drive you crazy.

[cornhusker]

Yo' mama so ugly, she went to an ugly contest and they said "No professionals!"

[cornhusker]

Q: How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
A: Your garbage can is empty and your dog is pregnant.

[cornhusker]

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''How do you think I called you people?''

[cornhusker]

What is grosser than gross?
When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.

[cornhusker]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

[cornhusker]

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were stinky so they decided to take a bath. When they get into the bathtub, the last bear says to the first bear, ''Can I have the soap?''
The first bear says to the second bear, ''Who does he think I am -- a radio?''

Did you get it??

Well you aren't suppose to!! When you tell this to a friend get some people to laugh when you say the joke, so the friend looks stupid when they don't get it. Sometimes they will say they get it but they can't cause there is no point. So have fun with it.

[cornhusker]

Your mama is so fat that when she goes to a restaurant, instead of getting a menu, she gets and estimate.

[nofx]

2345q34534gt3

[cornhusker]

Yo' mama so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample!

[cornhusker]

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

[cornhusker]

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."