You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped yo' mama!
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Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's butt. Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?"
Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"Comment
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There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''Comment
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Small Town Justice
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''
''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''
''But officer, I just wanted to say...''
''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!''
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''
''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''Comment
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Yo mama is so hairy that Tarzan couldn't get through her bush.Comment
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."Comment
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Why can't you shoot up marijuana?
Because you'll get a budclot!Comment
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A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath room so she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no paper so he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent home and his Mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"
So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he will get scared away."
Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
And the little boy said, "Oh great Mom, now look what you did, you scared the sh** out of him!"Comment
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this thread is such a failure compare to mine
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A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '
And yes it is bdjufComment
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Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''Comment
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couple has been married for 50 years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgetting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on. The doctor said, ?There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things.?
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, ?I was just going to make some ice cream.? The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, ?WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!?
?Okay dear,? he replied.
?And sprinkles too!?
?Okay dear.?
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said ?So? Where's the toast??Comment
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You know about the 39 Heaven's Gate culters who killed themselves?
They found another one underneath the sink...behind the Comet.Comment
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You're so poor the only time you go to the grocery store is for free samples.Comment
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Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.
The first Catholic women tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father." "
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'your grace.'"
The third Catholic lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called ?Your Eminence.?"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, '"Well??"
So she replies, "My son is 6'2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room?women gasp,?OH MY LORD!?"Comment
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