M.A.R.I.N.E.
Military Joke
What does marine stand for?
Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.
Military Joke
What does marine stand for?
Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.
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So many to choose from
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: In a catalogue.Comment
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I Didn't Do It!
Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell:
''What are you in for?''
''I'm here for something I did not do!''
''So you are innocent? What did you do?''
''I did not run fast enough!''Comment
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Yo mama's So Lazy
Yo' mama so lazy, she stuck her nose out the window and let the wind blow it!Comment
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Mommy, Mommy!
"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."Comment
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Yo mama's So Skinny
Yo mama is so skinny, I sat on her lap and broke her leg.Comment
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Teepee
Q: What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?
A: He drowned in his teapea.Comment
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Fish Market
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"Comment
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Shoulda Said
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"Comment
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Equal Opportunity Asphyxiation
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them, too.Comment
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Yo Mama's Poor Christmas
Yo Mama is so poor, she told your little siser that Santa Claus was dead.
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For the $10,000 one. But I have plenty of time to do that one.
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Lightbulb: Psychiatrist
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it really has to want to change.Comment
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Divided By A Common Language
The British speech:
"If you are ferocious in battle, remember to be magnanimous in victory, we go to liberate, not to conquer.
We are entering Iraq to free a people, and the only flag that will be flown in that ancient land is their own. Don't treat them as refugees, for they are in their own country. If there are casualties of war, then remember, when they woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to die this day. Allow them dignity in death. Bury them properly and mark their graves. You will be shunned unless your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow you down history. Iraq is steeped in history. It is the site of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood and the birth of Abraham. Tread lightly there."
The US speech :
"When the president says 'Go', look out - it's hammer time"
(followed by "We Will Rock You" at high volume)Comment
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Getting Weighed
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."Comment
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