The person who will post the most here in 72 hours will win 150$/paypal

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:49 PM

Sweet Talker

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying ?Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.?
Then he says, ?Pass the tea, you old bag.?

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:50 PM

Third World War

"Jimmy," says the teacher, "what would happen if the Third World War broke out?"

"It would be a huge problem. There'd be another chapter in the history book to study."

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:50 PM

Parking Meter

You're so dumb yo put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:51 PM

A Drunken Leprechaun

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God", he implored, "let it be blood!"

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:52 PM

Michael Jackson shops at Wal-Mart

Q: Why did Michael Jackson run to Wal-Mart?
A: Boys pants were half off.

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:52 PM

The Stupid Paratrooper

About ten recruits are making their first parachute jump. This 6 foot, 280 pound Master Sergeant, standing by the open door says: "Okay ladies, hustle up to this door, jump out in turn, and count slowly to ten. When you get to ten, your 'chute will automatically open.

"Now in the event, and this is highly unlikely, your 'chute doesn't open, pull the cord on your bellys. That's your emergency 'chute. The emergency 'chute will open immediately. Any questions?"

These guys are too scared to even talk. The Master Sergeant grabs the first guy in line and, while pulling him to the door, yells; "When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base. MOVE OUT."

As scared as they are, they all make it out the door, until they get to the last one. This guy is a really sad looking, 98-pound pessimistic creature. Very reluctantly, he shuffles up to the door and, just before he gets booted out, falls out and starts counting: one... two. He finally gets to ten.

Nothing.

He waits about five seconds and counts to ten once again.

Still nothing.

He starts frantically fumbling around, and finally finds the handle. He jerks on the handle and the cord comes off in his hand.

Raising his head to the heavens, he screams: "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:53 PM

The Antenna and the TV

What did the antenna say to the TV?

''Without me, you'd be snowed in.''

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:53 PM

An Honest Lawyer

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:53 PM

Yo Mama's So Fat... Space

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even float in space!

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:54 PM

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:55 PM

Legless Poodle

What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A spoonge.

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:55 PM

Yo mama's...Fat

Yo Mama is so fat, when she gets out on the dance floor, she makes the band skip.

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:56 PM

Doughboy

What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Dough Nuts!

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:57 PM

Reaching the end of a job...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

**cornhusker** · 06-03-2004, 10:57 PM

Two retired professors were vacationing

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

The person who will post the most here in 72 hours will win 150$/paypal

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment