Happy Groundhog Day! - GoFuckYourself.com

Red · 02-02-2001, 10:15 AM

Just wanted to wish everyone good morning. I'm sorry to report that Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow and that means 6 more weeks of Winter.

But cheer up. It's Friday and the GFY crew is here to enrich and add enjoyment to your lives. Here's something to start you off with a smile.

A True Story by W. Bruce Cameron

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed.
I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross,!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)

We peered at the patient.

After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I dial 911,?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master,er,er, ah..."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just ...just ...excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... tweeny little ... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the marriage ceremony with a completely straight face.)

I just thought this was hysterical and wanted to share it with you.

Red

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Tam · 02-02-2001, 10:57 AM

rotfl......... that was so damn funny I busted into laughter and my baby thinks I have totally lost my mind now, thanks Red....... I think I'll pass on the "what is so funny Mom" questions I am getting now.

LMAO

DAMN!!!! I am ready for freaking winter to be over.. I hate being cold.

Tam

sixfm · 02-02-2001, 11:20 AM

That is a funny story. I got it in email the other day and gasped so hard I inhaled half of my desk.

blakkfrogg · 02-02-2001, 11:42 AM

I, um, didn't know hamsters did that sort of thing. And furthermore, aren't their arms too short to reach down and get a good grip?

Heh-heh-heh... it's a good thing hamsters don't have all that much shame. I mean, seriously; how would you like being rushed off to the doctor's office while you were in the midst of pleasuring yourself?!?

THEN throw in the fact that somebody tried to rip your genitals off as you were climaxing!! ROFL

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http://www.americas-best.com/adult

oscer · 02-02-2001, 11:49 AM

that was today ??

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Jamdin · 02-02-2001, 12:03 PM

ROTFLMAO

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sixfm · 02-02-2001, 05:37 PM

Here's one that I got in my email today. Ouchie!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one
occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth
was
too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
injury
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
would
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes
to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the
garbage
disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is."
I
protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it
yourself!" "I
am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I
crouched
down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is
the
last action I remember performing. It struck without warning,
without
respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal
drawing me
into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing
playfully
at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been
poised
around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At
precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now
when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not
even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin
supporting
the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a
step-by-step
manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome.

Men, in this predicament,choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed.
It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to
escape,
I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and
the
paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while
suppressing
their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the
matter,cat
got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

Dafey · 02-03-2001, 02:41 AM

6 More months? YEAH!!!(im in Texas btw NOT looking forward to 110 degrees at 95% humidity :-( )

02-02-2001, 10:15 AM	#1
Red Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: nomad Posts: 518	Happy Groundhog Day! Just wanted to wish everyone good morning. I'm sorry to report that Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow and that means 6 more weeks of Winter. But cheer up. It's Friday and the GFY crew is here to enrich and add enjoyment to your lives. Here's something to start you off with a smile. A True Story by W. Bruce Cameron Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape." "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross,!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) "Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled. "So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results. "Should I dial 911,?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with my females?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, master,er,er, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ...just ...excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless Manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... tweeny little ... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go though the marriage ceremony with a completely straight face.) I just thought this was hysterical and wanted to share it with you. Red ------------------ Amateurmoney-we give great click

02-02-2001, 10:57 AM	#2
Tam Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: In your face Posts: 8,486	rotfl......... that was so damn funny I busted into laughter and my baby thinks I have totally lost my mind now, thanks Red....... I think I'll pass on the "what is so funny Mom" questions I am getting now. LMAO DAMN!!!! I am ready for freaking winter to be over.. I hate being cold. Tam

02-02-2001, 11:20 AM	#3
sixfm Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: State of Confusion Posts: 139	That is a funny story. I got it in email the other day and gasped so hard I inhaled half of my desk.

02-02-2001, 11:42 AM	#4
blakkfrogg Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: South of sobriety Posts: 582	I, um, didn't know hamsters did that sort of thing. And furthermore, aren't their arms too short to reach down and get a good grip? Heh-heh-heh... it's a good thing hamsters don't have all that much shame. I mean, seriously; how would you like being rushed off to the doctor's office while you were in the midst of pleasuring yourself?!? THEN throw in the fact that somebody tried to rip your genitals off as you were climaxing!! ROFL ------------------ www.wyldpussy.com/webmasters.html http://www.americas-best.com/adult

02-02-2001, 11:49 AM	#5
oscer Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Baltimore Posts: 2,834	that was today ?? ------------------ Stynk Adult Freehost

02-02-2001, 12:03 PM	#6
Jamdin Registered User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Kansas Posts: 3,560	ROTFLMAO ------------------ Moongem Erotica Moongem Fiction

02-02-2001, 05:37 PM	#7
sixfm Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: State of Confusion Posts: 139	Here's one that I got in my email today. Ouchie! Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I would think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament,choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter,cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

02-03-2001, 02:41 AM	#8
Dafey Banned Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: FtWorth,TX Posts: 169	6 More months? YEAH!!!(im in Texas btw NOT looking forward to 110 degrees at 95% humidity :-( )