How to save Star Wars Episode III - GoFuckYourself.com

Rictor · 05-18-2004, 04:46 PM

Can ?Star Wars: Episode III? be saved?
Fire Lucas, fire Christensen and resurrect Ed Wood from the grave

Lucasfilm Ltd.
Should George Lucas be replaced before he ruins his own legacy?

COMMENTARY
By Christopher Bahn
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 6:35 p.m. ET May 18, 2004We?ve got one more year before George Lucas finishes up his ?Star Wars? prequel trilogy with the as-yet-untitled Episode III, and he certainly has his work cut out for him. Not only does he have to resolve the ongoing storylines of ?Phantom Menace? and ?Attack of the Clones? in such a way as to lead directly into Episode IV, the original 1977 ?Star Wars,? but he has to overcome two of the most soul-killingly dull storylines ever put on film. I mean, really ? I?ve seen more interesting films on sandwiches I left in my fridge too long. Is there any way for Lucas to salvage the series in a single movie? It would take a great disturbance in the Force, but it?s not impossible.

Hire some real behind-the-scenes talent
Considering that most of the worst ideas in the last two films came from Lucas himself, he might start by handing over the reins to another filmmaker.

It might be difficult to convince Lucas to go along with it, but if necessary Lucas could probably be tricked by telling him that Joseph Campbell is waiting with a documentary crew to massage Lucas? ego by interviewing him about his wonderful mythic imagination. When Lucas shows up, knock him out, encase him in a block of frozen carbonite and put him out of the way somewhere until the movie is out in theaters.

Give creative control entirely to a new directing and writing team ? it almost doesn?t matter who ? and tell them to ignore ?Phantom Menace? and ?Attack of the Clones? entirely. Rethink Episode III as a standalone story with one simple plotline: Anakin Skywalker has just married Padme (who is, unbeknownst to him, pregnant with the twins Luke and Leia who?ll show up in the next film). Seduced by ambition, Anakin leaves behind his wife, his life and even his own name to join the evil Emperor Palpatine as Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.

It?s a story that lives or dies depending on how skillfully and sensitively a filmmaker can deal with the emotional content, and Lucas is not a filmmaker who appears capable of doing that anymore. Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia in the original trilogy, has said that ?When George was directing, he'd only say two things: 'faster' or 'more intense.'? Fire Lucas as director, who has no sense of control over his storyline, encourages flat and affectless acting, and shellacs every scene with such a frenzy of special effects that they assault your senses like a strobe light.

While you?re at it, fire Lucas the writer, who has not come up with a single witty or memorable phrase in the four hours of prequel trilogy out so far. The first trilogy didn?t have this problem: For instance, ?The Empire Strikes Back? had the help of the great noir writer Leigh Brackett.

Having better writers would save Lucas from amateurish nonsense like his decision to give Anakin Skywalker the emasculating nickname ?Annie.? Perhaps he was planning to have him break out into a rousing chorus of ?The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow??

Or the totally unnecessary invention of microbial ?midichlorians? to explain how the mystical Force gives Jedi knights their powers, perhaps the stupidest idea to come out of ?Phantom Menace.? And that's really saying something considering all the cringe-inducing, thinly disguised sci-fi rehashes of racial stereotypes like Jar-Jar Binks. Thankfully, the ?midichlorian? concept quietly dropped from the story in Clones.

Recast Darth Vader

Alfred Hitchcock?s dictum that ?the more successful the villain, the more successful the picture? is of primary importance to Episode III, since the rise of Darth Vader is the heart of the story. Lucas has already done more than enough work on another Hitchcock maxim, ?Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.?

Fire Hayden Christensen, whose single emotive capacity is sullen petulance, and whose attempts to put on the magisterial rage that must become Darth Vader?s hallmark instead sound like a tenth-grader whose dad won?t let him borrow the car. This is essentially the story of a guy who becomes Space Hitler, which is already hard enough to get people to take seriously without casting a scowly teen. And cut off that stupid-looking ponytail too, for crying out loud.

Clear out the dead wood
While you?re at it get rid of Natalie Portman, who as Queen Amidala has all the regal presence of a mallrat shopping at her local Fashion Bug. Keep Samuel Jackson, Frank Oz, Anthony Daniels, and Ian McDiarmid, and thank your lucky stars that you?ve got Christopher Lee, who?s been showcasing his considerable talent in Z-grade horror flicks for decades and knows better than perhaps any living actor how to pull a terrific performance out of truly awful material. Tell Ewan Macgregor, who?s proven elsewhere he?s a fine actor, that it?s safe to come out and emote now. Fire everyone else.

Hire Ed Wood
In many ways, ?Phantom? and ?Clones? were the answer to the unasked question ?What would the director of ?Plan 9 From Outer Space? have done with a talented effects crew and a $200 million budget?? Well then, why not bring Ed Wood back from the grave to direct Episode III? Sure, it?s a farfetched idea, but it?s easier to swallow than ?midichlorians.? We can see it now: Darth Vader develops a sudden fetish for angora sweaters, and mocks people who fall for his Jedi mind tricks with ?See! It?s your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!?

Rip off more Kurosawa
It?s no slur on the genuinely great first ?Star Wars? that much of the plotline and characterization was lifted straight out of Akira Kurosawa?s ?The Hidden Fortress.? Reusing older plotlines is a terrific way to shore up the fact that you have no interesting plots of your own. And after all, the extremely talented Kurosawa dipped into Shakespeare?s well of ideas more than once ? and Shakespeare himself lifted many of his plots from earlier plays. For Episode III, rip off Kurosawa?s ripoff of Shakespeare?s ?Macbeth,? and retell the ?Throne of Blood? storyline as Darth Vader?s journey into evil.

Parody the whole concept
Maybe the best thing to do would be to get Anakin to embrace the Dark Side as quickly as possible, perhaps by forcing him to confront some terrible disappointment that will haunt him for the rest of his days. We suggest this two-line scene set in a Coruscant restaurant:

WAITER: Here?s your green salad, sir.
ANAKIN: What? You fool, I told you NO CROUTONS! Aaaaaaargh!

Anakin puts on his black helmet and storms off to his local county clerk?s office and fills out the paperwork to have his name legally changed to ?Darth Annie Vader.? (He later quietly drops the middle name, realizing it doesn?t help his macho image.) And then for the next two hours, it?s all special-effects spaceship battles, which is the real reason most of us will go to the theater anyway. Fade to black.

Christopher Bahn is a freelance writer in Minneapolis

Jedimaster · 05-18-2004, 04:47 PM

r they gonna put the 'star wars kid' in the movie still????

bhutocracy · 05-18-2004, 05:07 PM

Space Hitler heheh.

arial · 05-18-2004, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jedimaster
r they gonna put the 'star wars kid' in the movie still????

They better, I signed that damn petition to put him in it...

SpaceAce · 05-18-2004, 05:13 PM

Star Wars Episode Two was so, so, so, so, soooooooooooo bad I may not even go see part three.

SpaceAce

loverboy · 05-18-2004, 05:14 PM

i have yet to get the DVD release

Joe Citizen · 05-18-2004, 05:15 PM

I don't want to save Star Wars because it all fucking sucks.

Head · 05-18-2004, 05:20 PM

I was wondering if they were even going to have a third movie.

MissGrim · 05-18-2004, 05:54 PM

I was so ecstatic when I saw Lord of the Rings, because it made up for how disappointed I was after I waited so long for Episode One and then finally watched it.

JDog · 05-18-2004, 06:05 PM

It can't be saved! I can happily say that I won't be going and seeing that movie! George has done horrible with those two! The worse fucking movies I've ever fucking seen!

jDoG

Giorgio_Xo · 05-18-2004, 06:06 PM

Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back were brilliant while the rest have been truly horrible.

GirlV · 05-18-2004, 06:08 PM

Third movie should be titled "Fall of the Republic"

Mr. Marks · 05-19-2004, 12:13 AM

Star Wars: The Empire strikes back is a good movie, while the attack of the clones, I find it kinda boring.

zzgundamnzz · 05-19-2004, 12:18 AM

I've seen some of the script for Episode III.

It looks like its going to be really good.

But you can never tell til you actually see the movie.

Episode II looked good in paper but the guy that played Anakin was such a fag... just seeing his face ruined the movie. That guy made Anakin into a spoiled little bastard creation of Lucas'

SomeCreep · 05-19-2004, 12:26 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rictor
Can ?Star Wars: Episode III? be saved?
Fire Lucas, fire Christensen and resurrect Ed Wood from the grave

Lucasfilm Ltd.
Should George Lucas be replaced before he ruins his own legacy?

I find it hard to believe George Lucas could screw up this final installment of the star wars saga. IMO, This last episode has the most dramatic events and a story more interesting than any other episode thus far.

We see Anakin transform into Darth Vader. Twins are born. Everyone dies. Bad guys win. That will all make for a most entertaining movie.

AbulletAway · 05-19-2004, 12:35 AM

I went and saw star wars when they re-released it again back in 97 I think it was. I saw it first when it came out in 77 and I was 7. Thought it was the best movie I had ever seen. Think I watched it again when it finally came out on video sometime in the 80's. I couldn't believe when watching it again an adult in 97 how absolutely annoying the movie was. Luke was nothing more than a whiney little bitch like Anakin is now in the new series.

Star Wars wasn't a great movie; it was an old story that had been done a million times before. It just looked new because it took place in space and set a new standard for special effects back in the day. When I see people compare the movies now with the ones back then I'm amazed at how many of obviously haven't watched the original star wars since they were kids because watching it now as an adult you will see that it is way overrated and borders on annoying. The new series is just as good if not better than the original and that's not saying much, it's just that it's hard to be compete with more than 25 years of nostalgia.

Jimmy Lifestyles · 05-20-2004, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AbulletAwayGoneBad
I went and saw star wars when they re-released it again back in 97 I think it was. I saw it first when it came out in 77 and I was 7. Thought it was the best movie I had ever seen. Think I watched it again when it finally came out on video sometime in the 80's. I couldn't believe when watching it again an adult in 97 how absolutely annoying the movie was. Luke was nothing more than a whiney little bitch like Anakin is now in the new series.

Star Wars wasn't a great movie; it was an old story that had been done a million times before. It just looked new because it took place in space and set a new standard for special effects back in the day. When I see people compare the movies now with the ones back then I'm amazed at how many of obviously haven't watched the original star wars since they were kids because watching it now as an adult you will see that it is way overrated and borders on annoying. The new series is just as good if not better than the original and that's not saying much, it's just that it's hard to be compete with more than 25 years of nostalgia.

Hmmm, quite possible, but no...Harrison Ford and others make it still kick-ass. No other character has come close to Han Solo.

05-18-2004, 04:46 PM	#1
Rictor Old Timer Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 12,208	How to save Star Wars Episode III Can ?Star Wars: Episode III? be saved? Fire Lucas, fire Christensen and resurrect Ed Wood from the grave Lucasfilm Ltd. Should George Lucas be replaced before he ruins his own legacy? COMMENTARY By Christopher Bahn MSNBC contributor Updated: 6:35 p.m. ET May 18, 2004We?ve got one more year before George Lucas finishes up his ?Star Wars? prequel trilogy with the as-yet-untitled Episode III, and he certainly has his work cut out for him. Not only does he have to resolve the ongoing storylines of ?Phantom Menace? and ?Attack of the Clones? in such a way as to lead directly into Episode IV, the original 1977 ?Star Wars,? but he has to overcome two of the most soul-killingly dull storylines ever put on film. I mean, really ? I?ve seen more interesting films on sandwiches I left in my fridge too long. Is there any way for Lucas to salvage the series in a single movie? It would take a great disturbance in the Force, but it?s not impossible. Hire some real behind-the-scenes talent Considering that most of the worst ideas in the last two films came from Lucas himself, he might start by handing over the reins to another filmmaker. It might be difficult to convince Lucas to go along with it, but if necessary Lucas could probably be tricked by telling him that Joseph Campbell is waiting with a documentary crew to massage Lucas? ego by interviewing him about his wonderful mythic imagination. When Lucas shows up, knock him out, encase him in a block of frozen carbonite and put him out of the way somewhere until the movie is out in theaters. Give creative control entirely to a new directing and writing team ? it almost doesn?t matter who ? and tell them to ignore ?Phantom Menace? and ?Attack of the Clones? entirely. Rethink Episode III as a standalone story with one simple plotline: Anakin Skywalker has just married Padme (who is, unbeknownst to him, pregnant with the twins Luke and Leia who?ll show up in the next film). Seduced by ambition, Anakin leaves behind his wife, his life and even his own name to join the evil Emperor Palpatine as Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. It?s a story that lives or dies depending on how skillfully and sensitively a filmmaker can deal with the emotional content, and Lucas is not a filmmaker who appears capable of doing that anymore. Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia in the original trilogy, has said that ?When George was directing, he'd only say two things: 'faster' or 'more intense.'? Fire Lucas as director, who has no sense of control over his storyline, encourages flat and affectless acting, and shellacs every scene with such a frenzy of special effects that they assault your senses like a strobe light. While you?re at it, fire Lucas the writer, who has not come up with a single witty or memorable phrase in the four hours of prequel trilogy out so far. The first trilogy didn?t have this problem: For instance, ?The Empire Strikes Back? had the help of the great noir writer Leigh Brackett. Having better writers would save Lucas from amateurish nonsense like his decision to give Anakin Skywalker the emasculating nickname ?Annie.? Perhaps he was planning to have him break out into a rousing chorus of ?The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?? Or the totally unnecessary invention of microbial ?midichlorians? to explain how the mystical Force gives Jedi knights their powers, perhaps the stupidest idea to come out of ?Phantom Menace.? And that's really saying something considering all the cringe-inducing, thinly disguised sci-fi rehashes of racial stereotypes like Jar-Jar Binks. Thankfully, the ?midichlorian? concept quietly dropped from the story in Clones. Recast Darth Vader Alfred Hitchcock?s dictum that ?the more successful the villain, the more successful the picture? is of primary importance to Episode III, since the rise of Darth Vader is the heart of the story. Lucas has already done more than enough work on another Hitchcock maxim, ?Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.? Fire Hayden Christensen, whose single emotive capacity is sullen petulance, and whose attempts to put on the magisterial rage that must become Darth Vader?s hallmark instead sound like a tenth-grader whose dad won?t let him borrow the car. This is essentially the story of a guy who becomes Space Hitler, which is already hard enough to get people to take seriously without casting a scowly teen. And cut off that stupid-looking ponytail too, for crying out loud. Clear out the dead wood While you?re at it get rid of Natalie Portman, who as Queen Amidala has all the regal presence of a mallrat shopping at her local Fashion Bug. Keep Samuel Jackson, Frank Oz, Anthony Daniels, and Ian McDiarmid, and thank your lucky stars that you?ve got Christopher Lee, who?s been showcasing his considerable talent in Z-grade horror flicks for decades and knows better than perhaps any living actor how to pull a terrific performance out of truly awful material. Tell Ewan Macgregor, who?s proven elsewhere he?s a fine actor, that it?s safe to come out and emote now. Fire everyone else. Hire Ed Wood In many ways, ?Phantom? and ?Clones? were the answer to the unasked question ?What would the director of ?Plan 9 From Outer Space? have done with a talented effects crew and a $200 million budget?? Well then, why not bring Ed Wood back from the grave to direct Episode III? Sure, it?s a farfetched idea, but it?s easier to swallow than ?midichlorians.? We can see it now: Darth Vader develops a sudden fetish for angora sweaters, and mocks people who fall for his Jedi mind tricks with ?See! It?s your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!? Rip off more Kurosawa It?s no slur on the genuinely great first ?Star Wars? that much of the plotline and characterization was lifted straight out of Akira Kurosawa?s ?The Hidden Fortress.? Reusing older plotlines is a terrific way to shore up the fact that you have no interesting plots of your own. And after all, the extremely talented Kurosawa dipped into Shakespeare?s well of ideas more than once ? and Shakespeare himself lifted many of his plots from earlier plays. For Episode III, rip off Kurosawa?s ripoff of Shakespeare?s ?Macbeth,? and retell the ?Throne of Blood? storyline as Darth Vader?s journey into evil. Parody the whole concept Maybe the best thing to do would be to get Anakin to embrace the Dark Side as quickly as possible, perhaps by forcing him to confront some terrible disappointment that will haunt him for the rest of his days. We suggest this two-line scene set in a Coruscant restaurant: WAITER: Here?s your green salad, sir. ANAKIN: What? You fool, I told you NO CROUTONS! Aaaaaaargh! Anakin puts on his black helmet and storms off to his local county clerk?s office and fills out the paperwork to have his name legally changed to ?Darth Annie Vader.? (He later quietly drops the middle name, realizing it doesn?t help his macho image.) And then for the next two hours, it?s all special-effects spaceship battles, which is the real reason most of us will go to the theater anyway. Fade to black. Christopher Bahn is a freelance writer in Minneapolis

05-18-2004, 05:20 PM	#8
Head Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Starship Enterprise Posts: 8,278	I was wondering if they were even going to have a third movie. __________________

05-18-2004, 05:54 PM	#9
MissGrim Confirmed User Join Date: May 2004 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 200	I was so ecstatic when I saw Lord of the Rings, because it made up for how disappointed I was after I waited so long for Episode One and then finally watched it. __________________ SIG TOO BIG! Maximum 120x60 button and no more than 3 text lines of DEFAULT SIZE and COLOR. Unless your sig is for a GFY top banner sponsor, then you may use a 624x80 instead of a 120x60.

05-18-2004, 06:05 PM	#10
JDog Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Canby, OR Posts: 7,453	It can't be saved! I can happily say that I won't be going and seeing that movie! George has done horrible with those two! The worse fucking movies I've ever fucking seen! jDoG __________________ NSCash now powering ReelProfits.com ALSO FEATURING: NSCash.com :: SoloDollars.com :: ReelProfits.com :: BiminiBucks.com :: VOD PROGRAMS COMING SOON: Greedy Bucks :: Vengeance Cash NOW OFFERING OVER 60 SITES CONTACT :: JAMES SMITH :: CHIEF TECHNOLOGY OFFICER :: ICQ (711385133)

05-18-2004, 06:06 PM	#11
Giorgio_Xo Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 4,263	Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back were brilliant while the rest have been truly horrible. __________________ Make Levees, Not War

05-18-2004, 04:47 PM	#2
Jedimaster Registered User Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,120	r they gonna put the 'star wars kid' in the movie still????

05-18-2004, 05:07 PM	#3
bhutocracy Not making A Comeback Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 10,218	Space Hitler heheh.

05-18-2004, 05:13 PM	#5
SpaceAce Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Magrathea Posts: 6,493	Star Wars Episode Two was so, so, so, so, soooooooooooo bad I may not even go see part three. SpaceAce

05-18-2004, 05:14 PM	#6
loverboy When it rains, it pours Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 20,609	i have yet to get the DVD release

05-18-2004, 05:15 PM	#7
Joe Citizen Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 4,552	I don't want to save Star Wars because it all fucking sucks.

05-18-2004, 06:08 PM	#12
GirlV Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: ICQ: 333 426 501 Posts: 981	Third movie should be titled "Fall of the Republic" __________________ Click The Tits! Cherry Dolls Virtual Sex Arcade

05-19-2004, 12:13 AM	#13
Mr. Marks Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Wherever I want Posts: 7,517	Star Wars: The Empire strikes back is a good movie, while the attack of the clones, I find it kinda boring.

05-19-2004, 12:18 AM	#14
zzgundamnzz Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 6,102	I've seen some of the script for Episode III. It looks like its going to be really good. But you can never tell til you actually see the movie. Episode II looked good in paper but the guy that played Anakin was such a fag... just seeing his face ruined the movie. That guy made Anakin into a spoiled little bastard creation of Lucas' __________________

05-19-2004, 12:35 AM	#16
AbulletAway Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Hesperia, CA Posts: 760	I went and saw star wars when they re-released it again back in 97 I think it was. I saw it first when it came out in 77 and I was 7. Thought it was the best movie I had ever seen. Think I watched it again when it finally came out on video sometime in the 80's. I couldn't believe when watching it again an adult in 97 how absolutely annoying the movie was. Luke was nothing more than a whiney little bitch like Anakin is now in the new series. Star Wars wasn't a great movie; it was an old story that had been done a million times before. It just looked new because it took place in space and set a new standard for special effects back in the day. When I see people compare the movies now with the ones back then I'm amazed at how many of obviously haven't watched the original star wars since they were kids because watching it now as an adult you will see that it is way overrated and borders on annoying. The new series is just as good if not better than the original and that's not saying much, it's just that it's hard to be compete with more than 25 years of nostalgia. __________________ 11 MODEL SITES \| NOW WITH PPS Sign up now or your dog will die.