New management rules - GoFuckYourself.com

AnalProbe · 05-05-2004, 03:46 AM

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a Doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 & December 25

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day,
Management.

princess · 05-05-2004, 03:51 AM

Raf1 · 05-05-2004, 03:57 AM

hehe, funny stuff

EviLGuY · 05-05-2004, 04:00 AM

hahaha.. I worked for a company like that once. ;)

AnalProbe · 05-05-2004, 04:12 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by EviLGuY
hahaha.. I worked for a company like that once. ;)

worked...

hehe

DR_PHIL · 05-05-2004, 04:37 AM

Royal Cash · 05-05-2004, 04:49 AM

haha LOL

AnalProbe · 05-05-2004, 11:07 AM

Let's all be glad we are selfmade webmasters.

Firehorse · 05-05-2004, 11:15 AM

I have been happily self employed most of my life.

V_RocKs · 05-05-2004, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AnalProbe

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Good idea for my next reality website.

TheFrog · 05-05-2004, 11:27 AM

05-05-2004, 03:46 AM	#1
AnalProbe pain in the Ass Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 3,727	New management rules Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a Doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 & December 25 RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day, Management.

05-05-2004, 03:51 AM	#2
princess Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Ringgold, Georgia Posts: 1,939	LOL! __________________ HUGS! Marsha

05-05-2004, 03:57 AM	#3
Raf1 Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Writer for hire :) Gallery descriptions, articles, blog posts etc. ICQ: 209 356 106 Posts: 12,117	hehe, funny stuff __________________ 80% Revshare or 30$ PPS on $1 trials: 200 Niches = Vidz.com Galleries / FLVs / Embeds 3 & 5mins FLVs \| RSS & Tube Feeds \| Matching Thumbs \| FLV Browser & Exporter \| No Prechecked Xsales >> Mobile Redirection Script: mobile.vidz.com also paying 80% net Lifetime << ICQ: 198-394-557

05-05-2004, 11:15 AM	#9
Firehorse Desire it and have it!!! Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: www.fuckwithfire.com ICQ 512915 Posts: 30,767	I have been happily self employed most of my life. __________________ MySweetEbony

05-05-2004, 04:00 AM	#4
EviLGuY So Fucking Banned Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: malta Posts: 12,745	hahaha.. I worked for a company like that once. ;)

05-05-2004, 04:37 AM	#6
DR_PHIL Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Never visits the same thread twice Posts: 4,099

05-05-2004, 04:49 AM	#7
Royal Cash Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Royal-Cash Posts: 1,745	haha LOL

05-05-2004, 11:07 AM	#8
AnalProbe pain in the Ass Industry Role: Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 3,727	Let's all be glad we are selfmade webmasters.

05-05-2004, 11:27 AM	#11
TheFrog Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 4,095