It all began long, long ago, just after Ronald McDonald, AKA Satan ...

[Repetitive Monkey]

The Damning Of the Teletubbies
Author: Ryuen
~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all began long, long ago, just after Ronald McDonald, AKA Satan, was booted out of Heaven for being naughty. The teletubbies, being angels themselves, were really quite comfortable with themselves and their situations...life was good, and there was much harp-playing, giggling, and sitting on clouds.

Ronald was a fairly good friend of theirs before the mishap which got him kicked out, and they'd spent many a day discussing the ways and failings of things with the dear clown in the past...in fact, the curly red wig was Laa-Laa's idea--she thought it really brought out his eyes...the rest is history, I suppose...

But, anyway, I digress.

Our story begins the day after Ronald/Satan was tossed out of Heaven. Our scene is a cloud just north of Cloud 9...Cloud 23 or so, if memory serves... It really was a smashing good cloud, with lots of little puffs of white and grey and even a bit of gold frill about the side...but, anyway...

"Oh, Laa-Laa," said Tinky Winky, humming softly to himself.

Laa-Laa glanced up from her Teen Magazine and cast a questioning look towards the purple Teletubby, eyes wide with feigned interest. "Yes, Tinky Winky?"

As Tinky Winky opened his mouth, however, Po held up a warning finger. "If this is about switching jumpsuits again, you can forget it, Tinky Winky..."

The purple chap shook his head. "No, no, it's nothing like that. It's..." He trailed off, glanced nervously from side to side, then leaned closer so none but his dear tubby brother and sisters could hear. "It's Ronny."

Dipsy's eyes grew wide. "Ronny? But, he's...he's..."

"Satan?" Laa-Laa supplied, raising one large yellow eyebrow.
Dipsy nodded hurriedly. "Yes...why, if we so much as speak of him here...well, you know God won't be happy..."

"Yeah," chimed Laa-Laa. "Don't you remember what happened last time, Tinky? One minute, we were blond-haired and blue eyed and wearing those cute little angel outfits, and the next we were...well...like THIS."

Po jammed her finger down her throat, casting a vicious gaze in Tinky Winky's direction.

"Oh, come on!" exclaimed Tinky Winky. "It wasn't MY fault! How did I know He was serious about that whole thou-shalt-not thing? Honestly..."

"Anyway," urged Dipsy, "what about Ronny, Tinky?"

"I could've been a Gabriel or a Mark," Laa-Laa muttered, scowling. "But, noooo...I'm Laa-Laa for all eternity..."

"Oh, shut-up," snapped Po. "Honestly, Laa-Laa...let Tinky talk."

Tinky Winky straightened his back proudly, casting the yellow teletubby an arrogant smile. "That's right, let me talk," he admonished with a sniff. Laa-Laa grumbled, but remained otherwise silent. "Good. Now, as I was saying..." Tinky Winky's voice dropped to a low whisper--the others leaned closer to hear his words. "Ronny got kicked out for trying to take over Heaven, right?"

"Yeah," said Laa-Laa, snickering. "What an idiot. I could've told him God would never fall for that stupid forged note from Adam and Eve... 'Oh, come save us!'" she mimicked, bringing her voice to a high falsetto, "'there's a man here with a book called 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,' and he's trying to make us read it!'" Laa-Laa collapsed into a fit of giggles.

"Anyway," continued Tinky Winky, casting a brief glare at Laa-Laa for her interruption, "I was thinking...okay, Ronny had a good idea, right? I mean, we'd all love to be in charge here, and if we could get rid of God, we WOULD be in charge." He giggled. "I mean, seriously, who else here has anything near our combined intelligence? Gabriel?"
The teletubbies all snickered.

"Exactly," continued Tinky Winky. "So...I was thinking...Ronny had the right idea, but he did it all wrong. But, US...we can DO this, guys. I know we can. We're smart...and there are four of us, and only ONE of Him. How can He possibly fight us all off if we combine our intellects and work together?"

"So, what do you say? Wanna try to take on God for control of Heaven?" Seeing Laa-Laa about to protest, he added, "Don't forget. If we were in charge, we could change our NAMES."

"I'm in!" screeched Laa-Laa, slapping her hand down on top of her purple companion's.

Po nodded firmly. "Me, too." She grinned. "With God out of the way, we can unblock all those channels of cable and see what REALLY goes on on channel 324...!"

With this said, all eyes then turned to Dipsy, who had been sitting quietly by, gazing at a nearby cloud with a tortured look in his eyes.

"Dipsy?"

He glanced back at his companions, chewing on his lip, green brow furrowed in thought. "I don't know, guys..."

Laa-Laa scowled. "Aw, come on, Dipsy! You know that if we don't do it TOGETHER, we haven't got a chance! Three teletubby angels against God have no chance at all...but FOUR..." Her eyes lit up. "Come on, man, what's wrong with you?"

Dispy bit hard into his lower lip. "Well...it's just that...well..." He sighed. "I kind of got...promoted to archangel yesterday," he finished hurriedly. He shook his head, a tortured look spreading across his face. "I was gonna tell you guys, honest!--but I thought you'd be sad that I was leaving, and so I didn't want to--"

"YOU BASTARD!" Laa-Laa shrieked, leaping for Dipsy's throat. "ARCHANGEL? ARCHANGEL DIPSY MY ASS! I WAS NEXT IN LINE! I WAAAAAAAS!"

"YOU?" demanded Tinky Winky, slapping Laa-Laa hard on the back of the head. "Who did all that planting in the Garden of Eden while you sat on your ass and watched Thundercats reruns, eh? I DID! I planted all those damn trees, and so *I* deserve to be an archangel! NOT YOU!"

Po, eyes wide with shock, watched the battle ensue, lips parting briefly to let out a little, "Eep!" God was NOT going to like this... Exercising an unusual amount of clear-thinking and intelligence, Po crawled to the edge of the cloud and took a long leap. She landed right in the midst of Cloud 22, scattering a group of angels who had been busying themselves playing Hearts.

"DAMN IT, LAA-LAA, GET OFF OF MEEEE!" Dipsy screamed, struggling to break free of his yellow companion's claws of death... "PLEASE! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOUUUU!! I'm SORREEE!" The green teletubby, feeling the life beginning to ebb from his body as the grip tightened on his throat, began to sob.

*POOF*

Just then, a wash of golden light swept over the three teletubbies, and there was suddenly a burst of heavenly music. A shape began to take form just beside them, casting a blinding yellowish hue over them and calming even Laa-Laa's rage...what replaced it, however, was a nail-biting, stomach-flipping, mind-numbing FEAR.

The yellow teletubby gulped, sitting back and carefully removing her hands...er...paws...er...whatever from Dipsy's throat. "Uh-oh..."

"Uh-oh is right," came a thundering voice from just beside them.

And then, with a flourish of trumpets and a flash of blinding light, God appeared beside them, dressed in His snazziest black tuxedo and wearing a very spiffy red bowtie strung around His holy neck.

"Uhhh...uhh....hi, God!" Dipsy managed, swallowing hard and rubbing at his throat.

Tinky Winky gulped. "What...uh...brings Your Holiness all the way over here, eh? Want to...uh...play some cards?"

Laa-Laa, quickly regaining her usual confidence, flashed God a charming smile. "You look wonderful, God. Going somewhere...special?"

God eyed them carefully, eyes narrowed and arms folded over his chest. "I'm going to a dinner theater production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, if you must know...of course, neither Joseph nor the play will exist for another few milennia, but ah well..." He trailed off, cleared His throat, and fixed a stern gaze on the three teletubbies. "So," he rumbled, "I hear you three have been having some sort of a dispute."

Tinky Winky laughed nervously. "Ohh...uh...You could hear that all the way over there, God?"

God's lips spread into a knowing grin. "I hear EVERYTHING, Tinky...you would know that if you'd paid attention in class all those years ago..."

The teletubbies gulped. "Uhh...e-everything...Lord?" Dipsy stuttered, curling into a small ball on the cloud and hoping to look pitiful enough for God to be merciful...

God nodded. "Yessss...EVERYTHING." He raised His voice and turned to stare down at Cloud 22, where Po had already been dealt into a hand of Hearts. "Po," He called. "Come over here, please."

Trembling with fear, Po picked herself up, tossed the cards to the cloud-floor, and leaped back onto Cloud 23. The angels of Cloud 22, feeling it most appropriate, hummed a dirge as she moved.

[Repetitive Monkey]

"Stand before me, teletubby angels," God commanded.

The four did so, shivering in their...erm...jumpsuits.

"You have disobeyed Me and My commandments, and conspired to overthrow Me."

"I didn't, Lord!" shrieked Dipsy, beginning to blubber. "I didn't! I didn't! I didn't agree to try to overthrow You! I would NEVER do that!!"

"Oh, no, you don't," snarled Laa-Laa. "Lord--Dipsy SWORE! We all heard him! That's just as bad as trying to overthrow You, isn't it?"

"Oh, and you have such a pure tongue, Laa-Laa," Dipsy muttered.

Tinky Winky rolled his eyes. "Shut-up, both of you! Don't you get it?? We're being kicked out of Heaven!"

Laa-Laa and Dipsy froze, turning to face God with blank looks of horror spread across their faces. "Kicked...out of Heaven?" Laa-Laa echoed in a small voice.

"Nooooo," sobbed Dipsy. "I'm too younnnnng!" He dashed forward and grabbed tightly onto God's legs, sobbed quietly into his pant legs.

"Dipsy," said God. "Please...you're getting my pants all...snotty." When the green teletubby had removed himself, the Lord straightened and stared down on the four angels with a look of displeasure. "My children," He began. "I realize this must be very frightening for you, but you HAVE disobeyed My commandments and aspired to overthrow Me, an offense which demands that I throw you out of Heaven and cast you into exile in Hell with Ronn--errm, SATAN. However," He added, voice softening, "there is an alternative. I can't let you stay in Heaven with all your powers, of course...but, I COULD let you stay on Earth, instead. It's not much better than Hell, but at least you won't have to deal with that whole eternal torment thing... Anyway," He continued, "I'll give you a bit to think about it, and to clean out your clouds. I'll be back for an answer in a few hours."

~~~~

"Ohhhh, this is TERRIBLE!" moaned Dipsy, packing a small potted fern into a cardboard box. "Kicked out of Heaven! Made to live on Earth or in Hell...agggh, it's HORRIBLE!"

Laa-Laa scowled. "Oh, don't be so melodramatic, you wussy. Earth isn't that bad. At least we won't get stuck with Ronny in Hell."

"Stuck with Ronny?" echoed Dipsy. "At least HE likes us! In fact, I bet he'd let us be his demons or something if we went to Hell instead... On Earth, we're not going to have ANY friends."

"Dipsy, we are NOT going to Hell," Tinky Winky growled. "It's a stupid idea, and I refuse to even think about it."

"Hey, at least we'd have cool names if we went there," muttered Laa-Laa. "I wonder if Beelzebub is taken yet..."

Po, who had been silently folding up her Jonathan Taylor Thomas posters, drew a breath to speak. "I think we should do what Tinky Winky says and go to Earth," she announced, glancing at each of her companions in turn. "I mean...Ronny was our friend up here, but that was when he couldn't do anything and when he needed all the help he could get. Now, though, he's down there in Hell, and he's in control. He's the boss, and he knows how powerful we are--in fact," she gulped, "I bet he'd kill us if we went down there. That or, you know, make us get his coffee and stuff for eternity or something... Whatever happened, it wouldn't be very fun at all."

Dipsy sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right, Po. Earth it is, then."

*POOF*

A figure appeared beside the cloud, this one a heroic, valiant creature with sun-bronzed muscles and a long mane of silken, curled blond hair...

Laa-Laa scowled. "What do YOU want, Gabriel?"

Gabriel smiled magnanimously, granting the four irritable teletubbies a sweeping bow. "Hello, friends," he purred. "I hear someone's been kicked out of Heaven..."

Tinky Winky sighed. "Is that why you're here, Gabe? To rub it in?"

An innocent expression overcame the angel's face. "No, of course not! I would never do something like that!" He cleared his throat and produced a piece of rolled parchment from a pocket in his tunic. "I have, however, composed a passage which I'm going to request that God place in the Bible...once He commands it be written. Would you like to hear it?"

Laa-Laa's scowl deepened. "Do we have a choice?"

Gabriel smiled. "Not really, no. All right, then, here goes:

"So saith the Lord:

'Teletubbies, ye beasts
I'll cast thee away
For only the pure
And holy may stay!

Ye are a disgrace
Immature as a babe
Why can't ye be more
Like my right hand Gabe?

So, go be with Ronny
The clown ye adore
For ye can stay here
In Heaven NO MORE!'

"Well," said Gabriel, rolling up the parchment. "What do you think? Does the rhyme scheme work for you, because I was thinking of switching to iambic pentameter and perhaps lengthening the sentences a bit to make give it a smoother flow and--"

"You know," snarled Laa-Laa, cutting the angel off midsentence and raising a fist, "since we've already been kicked out, we could do just about whatever we wanted to you and not worry about it..."

Gabriel frowned. "Fine, then, be that way. I was going to sing you a little song I composed as a going-away present, but now, forget it! Happy exile! Hrmph!"

And, with a great POOF! and a flash of light, Gabriel had vanished, leaving the teletubbies alone once more.

"Agggh, I hate that guy," muttered Laa-Laa.

*POOF!*

"G...God!" sputtered Laa-Laa, grimacing. "What...uhh...brings You back here so early...erm...Your Holiness?"

God shrugged. "Eh, the dinner show wasn't nearly as good as I hoped it would be. The Pharoah just...didn't impress Me at all." He shrugged. "Anyway...you've decided?"

Tinky Winky nodded, drawing himself up to his full height. "Yes, Lord. We've decided that we wish to be banished to Earth rather than Hell."

The Lord nodded gravely. "A good choice."

"But...uh...Lord?"

God fixed his eyes on the small red teletubby. "Yes, Po?"

She hesitated. "Erm...well...Ronn--erm, SATAN can visit the earth...can't he? And, if he can...won't he....erm...want to...uh..."

"Kill you for your superior intellect and power?"

The four teletubbies nodded.

"Ah. Well, don't worry about that, I've already taken care of it." God smiled knowingly. "Trust me...Satan will never feel threatened enough by you in your earthly forms to try to kill you. You have My solemn word."

Far away, someone snickered...it sounded like Gabriel... The teletubbies, however, ignored it, so great was their relief to learn that they would be safe on Earth...or...relatively safe, anyway.

"Thank you, Lord, for Your mercy," said Tinky Winky, bowing low. "We're ready to go."

"Splendid!" exclaimed God. "Oh, and don't worry--I won't be so cruel as to set you down this early in history. You won't have to suffer through the Dark Ages or even go through the seventies. We'll start you off as near to the twenty-first century as We can."

"Oh, thank you, Lord!" chimed the teletubbies.

And, God brought His hands together into a loud clap...and the four teletubbies vanished.

Gabriel, enjoying a slushie on Cloud 12, snickered. "Poor bastards."

And, the rest, my fellows, is history...

[CyberTraffic]

[=^..^=]

too fucking long.

summary?

[He-Man]

[nofx]

cliff note it bitch

[DamageX]

Corny... But funny.

[Napolean]

i read the whole thing and...








i think i need to go pray

[mule]

Originally posted by Napolean
i think i need to go pray

Be my guest: http://www.*********.com/forum/FORUM.asp?FORUM_ID=7

[Oracle Porn]

are you fucking kidding me?
its 11 am I aint gonna read all this shit... cliff notes please.