Ukranian joke. You laugh like hell, yes?

[CDSmith]

An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite perogies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Ukrainian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the perogies at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.....

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

[Nanda]

LOL....

[uvort]

lol

[mammy]

i am from ukraine=]
joke is good
but i think natinality is not needed while telling the story

[Brat]

Originally posted by mammy
i am from ukraine=]
joke is good
but i think natinality is not needed while telling the story

for the pierogies part yes

it has to be some eastern european country :P

mmmmm pierogies!

[Doctor Dre]

OUTCH ! That gotta hurt !

[leow]

i think that all like pierogies

[myjah]

spoken just like a woman whos been preparing food for an event

[CDSmith]

I am destined to marry and grow old with a woman like this.






one that will whack my hand with a wooden spoon when I reach for her perogies.

[Forkbeard]

That's easy to fix, grab a pirog AND the wooden spoon, eat the pirog while you spank her with the spoon and compliment her on her cooking!

If you've got the right woman, she'll love you more and make pirogies more often.

Alas my lady is not from Eastern Europe and doesn't know how to make pirogies. I need to make a quick trip to St. Petersburg, this thread is making me hungry!

[armyofme]

cute joke

[Pornopat]

Thats a nice joke.

[CDSmith]

MAD WIFE DISEASE

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horse I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".

[psyko514]

Originally posted by CDSmith
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Fucking great joke!

[MetaMan]

I AM UKRAINIAN AND WE OWN THE FUCKING EARTH U DUM FUCKS WE ALSO DIED IN WW2, DIE ALL YOU SICK INBRED MONKIES WHO MADE IT!

but good joke, does remind me of a Ukrainian person because we are all stubborn.

[runaway]

[Nydahl]

not so funny to me - I don't feel ok so I think this could happened to me soon too
no I am kidding - I am not married

[SNIPER]

LOL...liked the joke

You always need to laugh at least once a day.

[digifan]

Lol... nice one and any food will do

[CDSmith]

Further to the whole theme of women beating the shit out of men.....



A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think
I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them

[SNIPER]

LMAO....now laughing twice in a day is even better.
Love that Canuk humor. We are funny but in a evil way

Hi CD :-)

[CDSmith]

Originally posted by SNIPER
LMAO....now laughing twice in a day is even better.
Love that Canuk humor. We are funny but in a evil way

Hi CD :-)

Hello gorgeous. How's life in gorgeousville?

[Ic3m4nZ]

[SNIPER]

*blush* CD, believe it or not I am now a single gal so life is fun Is Winnipeg still cold? We had 10 degree weather here in TO this past week. Time to take of the parka's :-)

[CDSmith]

Originally posted by SNIPER
*blush* CD, believe it or not I am now a single gal so life is fun Is Winnipeg still cold? We had 10 degree weather here in TO this past week. Time to take of the parka's :-)

*wondering what man in his right mind would let you get away*


Yeah, it was nice here last week with plus 3 temps, I even barbecued some huge steaks outside. But this week it has again turned cold.... minus 15 today, all that melted snow has turned to solid ice.... rock solid. I put away the snow shovel and brought out the dynamite.



SOoooo..... single eh?

[digifan]

Old but good

[SNIPER]

Yup....he left me or better yet we left each other. little bitter but I will get over it, still too early for that.
So the warmer weather over here has me all exicited. Can't wait to leave the boots and slip on the sandles.

[CDSmith]

Sleazy will love this one......


DON'T FUCK WITH A DACHSHUND

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.

He took his faithful pet dog "dach" along for company.

One day, dach starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

Dach thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, Dach exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. Dach nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been! watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now Dach sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear Dach says:

"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[TaDoW]

[CDSmith]

Old, but since it is an election year some might appreciate this one again....



A moral dilemma

Here's a dilemma for you.... be honest and decide what you would do.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it serious thought. By giving an
honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test
features unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have
to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer
needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going
on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge
masses of water everywhere. You are a CNN photographer and you are in
the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is
showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with
it. Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar... Suddenly you know who it is - it's
George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him away, forever. You have a chance to save him or you
can take the best photo of your life, a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a
unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful
men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer)

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic
black and white ?

[SleazyDream]

Originally posted by CDSmith
Sleazy will love this one......


DON'T FUCK WITH A DACHSHUND

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.

He took his faithful pet dog "dach" along for company.

One day, dach starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

Dach thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, Dach exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. Dach nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been! watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now Dach sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear Dach says:

"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

<img src=http://www.hjorleifson.com/skufty/004.jpg>

[slackologist]

[Dirty D]

Spam me with your Ukrain jokes! [email protected]

[CDSmith]

Originally posted by SNIPER
Yup....he left me or better yet we left each other. little bitter but I will get over it, still too early for that.
So the warmer weather over here has me all exicited. Can't wait to leave the boots and slip on the sandles.

You can walk barefoot on my lawn anytime.





Except for the six months of winter we have here. I'll carpet my bedroom with fake grass for you. :D

[Cyborg69]

Originally posted by CDSmith
Old, but since it is an election year some might appreciate this one again....



A moral dilemma

Here's a dilemma for you.... be honest and decide what you would do.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it serious thought. By giving an
honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test
features unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have
to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer
needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going
on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge
masses of water everywhere. You are a CNN photographer and you are in
the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is
showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with
it. Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar... Suddenly you know who it is - it's
George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him away, forever. You have a chance to save him or you
can take the best photo of your life, a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a
unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful
men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer)

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic
black and white ?

black and white will be more dramatic

[Cyborg69]

Originally posted by MetaMan
I AM UKRAINIAN AND WE OWN THE FUCKING EARTH

Ne pizdite pozhalusto

[SNIPER]

[slackologist]

would make a great short film..

[maxdaname]

[CDSmith]

Originally posted by SNIPER

You're right, I better not carpet my bedroom with fake grass. My dog might think it is his new pooping area.


Tell you what, I'll buy a sun lamp and a jetted tub for the six months of winter, how's that?

[CDSmith]

Here's a classic for the ladies out there......



<font face ="Comic Sans MS"><font size=+1><b>A Fairytail for the assertive woman of the Millenium</b></font>


Once upon a time, in a land far away,
a self assured princess happened
upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said: "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet,
we can marry and live with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, dining on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine sauce, she chuckled to herself
and thought: I don't fucking think so.



</font>















Own3d.

[Mr. Marks]

LOL

[CDSmith]

Back to the whole Ukrainian/Russian thing.......




The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his
firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

[psyko514]

Crazy KGB motherfuckers.

[SNIPER]

You know how to get to a girl's heart CD :-)

[CDSmith]

Originally posted by SNIPER
You know how to get to a girl's heart CD :-)

Glad to hear that. I'll leave the side door open for you and turn up the heat. :D

[Tex Willer]

Originally posted by SNIPER
You know how to get to a girl's heart CD :-)

papuhaha269;ar...



good jokes tho

[bhutocracy]

hahah good shit CD.. love the dachshund one.

[cashman]

good one, post more

[Illicit]

I liked that one !