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Volunteers for Howard Dean gathered in New Hampshire over the past week to canvass neighborhoods, gather votes and, most importantly, reclaim the momentum lost in Iowa's disappointing caucus. Many of these volunteers were first-timers, new to politics, new to the primary process and new to Howard Dean himself. Accordingly, volunteers were given a detailed list of rules and protocol for their behavior in the Dean campaign.


Dear Volunteer,


Thank you for joining the Dean Team, a grassroots campaign to take back our country and put Howard Dean in the White House. We've spent the last few months talking to people just like you, people who are dismayed by the direction this country has taken during George W. Bush's presidency. Only one voice has consistently cried out in opposition to Bush's reckless and wrongheaded policies. That voice belongs to Howard Dean.

If you're ready for leadership guided by convictions, not contributions, and for policies shaped by facts, not facts shaped by policies, you're ready for Howard Dean. And we're more than ready for you! But if we're to effect lasting change, it will take more than your enthusiasm. It will take your strict adherence to the following guidelines:

1. If you're meeting Howard Dean for the first time, DO NOT make direct eye contact. This can be seen as hostile or threatening and may, in fact, provoke attack. You may mean nothing by it, but Candidate Dean will read prolonged eye contact as a threat to his dominance and, relying on ancient instincts, will defend his territory aggressively. By all means, acknowledge Candidate Dean's presence, but do so cautiously. Avoid sudden movements, keep your eyes lowered to the ground and speak in soft, murmurous tones.

2. From time to time, you may see Candidate Dean chained to a stake in the yard just behind campaign headquarters. This is for HIS protection and causes him no lasting harm. You may be tempted to approach Candidate Dean, but don't let simple human emotions like concern or pity talk you into reckless behavior. If you must approach him, do so slowly and with care. And observe Candidate Dean's body language. Is it relaxed and welcoming or tense and defensive? Are his teeth bared? Are his haunches coiled for strike? Are the hairs on his back erect with anger? If you're uncertain, slowly extend your hand, palm outward (the back of the hand is laced with veins and tendons...protect it!), so that Candidate Dean might "scent" you. This is how Candidate Dean takes your measure as friend or foe. If you are accepted, then and only then should you even attempt to pet Mr. Dean. Even then, do not reach behind his head, but stroke his broad chest so he might see your hands at all times. Remember, much of this is just common sense!

3. NEVER feed Candidate Dean by hand. It's adorable, it's photogenic and IT'S DEADLY! Show Candidate Dean the food in your hand, place it gently on the ground and slowly back away. Also, do not keep food in your car or near your lodging while working for the Dean Team. Place all foodstuffs in airtight "coolers" and hoist 12 to 15 feet above ground from overhanging branches.

4. If you encounter Candidate Dean in the wild, remember that you are trespassing on his natural habitat. Always travel in pairs and make ample noise so Candidate Dean is warned of your approach. Remember, Mr. Dean doesn't want a confrontation any more than you do. But if he feels you pose a threat to his brood, he will not hesitate to charge.

5. If you think you may have provoked Candidate Dean, DO NOT RUN AWAY. Instead, back away slowly and avert your gaze. It may seem counterintuitive, but you must trust us. If you run, Candidate Dean will see this as prey behavior and will certainly give tireless chase. And you CANNOT outrun Candidate Dean. Should he charge, immediately fall to the ground and curl up in a ball. This is seen as a sign of submission and may, in fact, forestall further attack. It will not be easy to play dead as Candidate Dean's giant paws roll you across the forest floor, but you must! If you lift even a single hand in defense of your prostrate form, Candidate Dean will feed from your bloody carcass.

6. If you spot Candidate Dean while driving in your car, of course feel free to stop and take pictures. But keep your car running at all times! DO NOT flash your headlights or honk your horn at Candidate Dean. This can startle Mr. Dean and provoke an instinctive fight-or-flight response. If cornered, Candidate Dean is much more likely to fight than flee. NEVER, EVER roll down your windows. To coax him toward your car with promises of food or votes is madness. A full-grown Dean can rip an SUV's doors off their hinges with astonishing ease.

7. If you've recently shaken hands with a competing candidate, wash them thoroughly before approaching Candidate Dean. If he should detect an enemy's musk anywhere on your person, may God have mercy on your soul.

8. NEVER, EVER reach through the bars of Candidate Dean's cage. And should you visit during feeding hours, do not taunt or hector Candidate Dean. Avoid the temptation to whistle. And for God's sake, don't make guttural clicking noises. It's just not wise.

We hope these simple rules will allow you to live in harmony with Candidate Dean. We don't want you to fear Candidate Dean, merely to maintain a healthy respect for his feral nature. Remember, as adorable as Candidate Dean may be, he is still a wild animal. Thank you.

ytcracker

hyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeergh

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i love you

DaLord

GO GENERAL GO...

Loryn

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