Oil Change

[Ice]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right

[com]

And is it any wonder why we die younger?!

[cluck]

So much of that is true

[SpaceAce]

Originally posted by cluck


So much of that is true

Yes, if you are an incompetent schmuck. No one else should have that much trouble changing their oil.

SpaceAce

[Sama]

lol - Thats good!

[myjah]

i'm supposed to have my oil changed?

[pauliewalnutz]

Originally posted by SpaceAce


Yes, if you are an incompetent schmuck. No one else should have that much trouble changing their oil.

SpaceAce

dumb ass every man on this earht that has changed their oil has done atleast 15 of those things. Unless they are prefect like you, perfectly feminized I am sure you have alot of women as friends, cuz when you meet them they realize you have no balls.

[Herb Kornfield]

Never bothered to change my own oil after watching my father do that same example outlined in the initial post.

Just drive into the Jiffy Lube, Enjoy a starbucks that I get on the way there and read the local papers.

Amazing that the same guys there dont open my door, talk to me about my trucks or get me a coffe as they do when my wife takes the SAME trucks to the SAME jiffy lube........

They can talk to her all day, but, They can never afford her I always remind myself.

[DarkJedi]

Why change your car's oil when your girlfriend can do it?

So I was sitting there the other day watching my girlfriend change the oil in my car, and I was getting pissed because she kept struggling when she tried to unscrew the filter. I was even more pissed than usual because I was playing videogames as I supervised her from inside the house, until I finally had to put the controller down and go outside to yell at her.

I stood out there in my underwear on a Saturday morning screaming at the top of my lungs. Then my neighbor, who's a total pussy, comes by and says "you shouldn't be yelling at your girlfriend like that." I wasn't going to stand there and just take it, so I socked him one right in the colon. His wife was bringing groceries inside when this happened, and as if it wasn't bad enough that I had to stop playing video games to go outside and yell, now this bitch was screaming at me like it was my fault.

I couldn't understand what she was shrieking about, as she was flapping her arms in the air and screaming. She started crying when she saw the busted colon I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games.

That wasn't the end of it though, it turns out the cranky old hag across the street saw all of this going on, so she came over to do what women do best: bitch. When I opened the door she was standing there in a partly transparent night gown, and it totally ruined the prospect of having a boner for at least 50 years. I was just starting to change my mind about the night gown when she started screeching at me and her stupid cat that she was holding started to hiss. So I took the cat and punted it over my neighbor's fence. She started crying "oh no! My cat! What have you done with my cat?!" I was laughing my ass off, then the bitch tried to scratch me so I gave her a round house kick and dislocated her hip. I was laughing so hard I shit my pants.