My Grasp On Community Remains Fragile

[Deepundercover]

I did not make it to my community this week because I'm sick. I did not make it once. I don't think I've been missed. Nobody inquired how I am (aside from the host of a party who I left a message Tuesday to explain my absence).

On the one hand, this is bad news, because it shows that I am not important to my community (because I can not be relied on in myriad ways). On the other hand, this is good news, because it gives me great freedom.

If I'm not held accountable, if I don't have to explain why I wrote what I wrote, or why I did not make it. I can go forth and sin mightily (not that this holds any appeal to me).

I read a frightening story the other day about a young man who fell down and broke his back in his apartment. Nobody checked on him for many days, by which time he was dehydrated and verging on death.

So what if I fell? Who would know? I remember eleven years ago, I was staying with my parents. They were gone for the weekend. I got up in the middle of the night and pulled something in my back. I flopped around on the floor, my back spasming. I couldn't get up. I started screaming out, "Help me, help me!"

It was 3AM. Nobody answered. After an hour or so, my back relaxed to the point where I could tumble into bed.

That memory frightens me. Bachelorhood frightens me. You feel dispensable.

Young single men are best suited for martyrdom.

I think that's what I seek most in a relationship - to feel needed.

I've never had a girlfriend make me feel deeply needed. I don't think any have said, "I need you." I'd rather hear that than "I love you." It would hold a more powerful sway over me.

My primary community may come from the Internet, perish the thought, from Horny Jenny and Webcam Girl81 who keep IMing me to check out their stimulating websites.

Inspired by Siegfried and Roy's Las Vegas success, I'm developing a reality show for network TV wherein I report on Mafiosi and then dodge their attempts to hit me. That would make me feel important. Everybody wants to ride a white horse. That's why it doesn't bother me that most everyone I interview thinks their work lies at the center of the universe.

Time for me to pop a lithium, some anti-ADD stuff, half a tab of anti-anxiety med.

I was at Ralphs Tuesday. A three-year old sat in a shopping cart. He said to his mother, "Do you know how much I love you?"

"How much?" she asked.

"To the sky," he said.

For a several minutes, they went back and forth about how much they loved each other. They kissed.

In my community this weekend, a mother cradled her five-year old boy. He liked to kiss her open-mouthed.

"How adorable," I said.

"What about with tongue?"

"That's going too far."

"I draw a different line than you do. I won't let him kiss me open-mouthed."

I have shaky boundaries.

On Sunday, I drove around Chatsworth with two TV producers.

"Shock me," one producer challenged me.

I began to sing:

Overnight dreams,
Dinner and wine
Saturday girls

I was never in love,
Never had the time
In my hustle and hurry world

Crying myself to sleep
Waking up lonely
I needed someone to hold me
Oh oh ooooh

It's such a crazy hometown
It can drag you down
Till you run out of dreams

So you party all night
To the music and light
Though you don't know
What happiness means

I was dancing in the dark with strangers
No love around me,
Till suddenly you found me, oh oh oooh

Girl, you're every woman in the world to me
You're my fantasy, you're my reality

I shocked him with my Air Supply Song.

[Adorno]

Who has that picture of Ford's dick?

[woj]

??

[Deepundercover]

Adorno, I don't think that was a sensitive response to my feelings.