Ever been cow tipping? - GoFuckYourself.com

Sharky · 10-02-2003, 12:55 PM

Just read this somewhere online:

--------------------

True story.

I was in grad school in Sydney, living on campus. There were two Danish guys in the dorm, Mike and Lasse, who had kept in contact with some Danish girls who were going to another university out in the sticks, around dairy and emu farms. Since I didn't have any family around, and had no money to fly home for the holidays, they were nice enough to invite me to their little Scandanavian Christmas.

Things started out great. I was the only non-Dane in the room, but everyone was so nice, I was really starting to feel welcome. Then they prepared the Gluck.

If you don't know what it is (as I didn't then), let me explain: Gluck is a traditional Danish holiday drink made from hot wine, but there are spices and nuts and rasins and shit in there too. I guess you have to have been raised on it, because I could barely choke it down. But since I was a guest, I did my best to smile and swallow. I drank entirely too much of it. ENTIRELY too much.

Later on that night, after everyone was a bit lopsided, the American bashing started. Not mean spirited, or anything, but needling just the same. You know, things like, "Why do you love war so much?", "Why are Americans so fat?", and "What makes you think cow tipping is so funny?"

I was trying, without much effort or success, to defend myself. I explained that I didn't think cow tipping was particularly funny, and that I had never actually been cow tipping. So of course Mike and Lasse start screaming, "Let's do it! I want to see an American tip a cow! That would be funny as hell!"

I said Fuck no, I'm not tipping a cow, but everyone was really into it, and Mike and Lasse said that they'd go with me and tip as well. In my drunken mindset, it started to make more and more sense to me, so I reluctantly said Okay.

So we went out into a field that has maybe six or seven cows in it, and Goddamn if Mike didn't pick out the fucking biggest cow. He said, "Tip that one. Just walk up to it an push it over." Are you fucking kidding me? The cow must have weighed 500 pounds. There was no way I was going to just push it over. I said as much to Lasse, and he said, "Okay, get a running start."

Well all right...that made much more sense...I got about 50 feet away from the cow and took off. I got up a good head of steam, and ducked my shoulder at the last minute for the best impact. I even aimed high for the best leverage possible.

Lessons learned from that experience:

1. Cows are fucking heavy.
2. Cows are fucking hard as rocks.
3. I am fucking stupid.

I just about fractured my clavicle, and the cow shuffled over about half a step and walked off, leaving my stupid, drunk ass whimpering in the mud. The rest of the cows woke up and sort of wandered off. Mike and Lasse were pissing themselves in laughter. I picked myself up off the ground and resigned myself to taking the walk of shame back into the house.

As we were walking back, we passed a Momma cow and her little calf. I don't know anything about animal husbandry, but I guess the calf was maybe a year old. Cutest little thing. Mike pushed the calf over. He didn't say anything, didn't look to Lasse or myself for approval, just suddenly pushed him over. And started laughing like a lunatic.

The Momma cow freaked out. She gave a scary ass cow scream, which I had never heard before and hope to God in heaven that I never hear again. Jesus Christ, I nearly shit myself. I had no idea that a cow could make a horror-movie scream like that. Then the cow charged. Fuck, you never saw three drunks run like that. Suddenly, I remembered a joke from my childhood. Something about running from a hungry bear: I don't have to be faster than the bear, I just have to be faster than you.

Lessons learned from that experience:

1. Cows are fucking scary fast.
2. Drunk people can't run.

I was clearly in the lead, running back toward the fence. I hopped nimbly over (har har) and promptly spewed all over myself. Purple fluid, nuts and raisins came shooting out of my mouth like the pie eating contest in "Stand By Me". It was evidently quite spectacular.

Mike came over next, but it was obvious that Lasse wasn't going to make it. I guess he thought he was being chased by a bear, because he decided to fall down and play dead, but it was clear the cow wasn't to be had so easily. She stopped, rolled Lasse over with her nose, and started sniffing him. For a minute I thought his ruse was going work. Then the calf trotted over, and I swear, with God as my witness, monkey-stomped Lasse in the nutsack. Then the Momma and baby just walked away. Lasse projectile vomited in a fashion very similar to my own. Mike and I stood there, open-mouthed, disbelieving.

We never spoke of the incident again.

AaronM · 10-02-2003, 12:56 PM

Too fucking long. I have a short attention span.

Matt M · 10-02-2003, 12:59 PM

Damn Sharky !!! I almost pissed myself laughing at your story!!!

Sarah_Jayne · 10-02-2003, 01:06 PM

no, but my sister managed to reverse the white trash evolution scale by doing it when she went to college. She also helped to run cow pat bingo.

Sharky · 10-02-2003, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Matt M
Damn Sharky !!! I almost pissed myself laughing at your story!!!

;-))

Phoenix · 10-02-2003, 01:21 PM

i didnt thnk just one person would be able to push over a cow.

i once worked on a milk farm for a couple weeks

they are heacy as hell...you can punch a cow as hard as you like...kcik it even...and unless you hit it somewhere crucial...it wont even register

haha..i actually laughed out loud when you stated things you learnt...lol

JDog · 10-02-2003, 01:27 PM

Never piss off a momma cow!

That was fucking funny!

jDoG

Evil1 · 10-02-2003, 01:28 PM

ROFLMFAO, Maybe I'm wrong here, but arent you sposed to rock a sleeping (they sleep standing sometimes apparently) back and fourth until it goes over? Not go full steam into it like you are linebacker sacking a quarterback?

I dont like you based solely on the fact that you did not tape that for all to enjoy... prick.

Bex · 10-02-2003, 01:28 PM

Damn .. that story was awesome. My sides hurt from laughing about dude getting monkey stomped in the nuts!

When I was younger at a party a bunch of guys went out to cow tip (we were all hella drunk). But we just ended up waking up the cows and causing a sort of stampede. Everyone went running and flying over fences. It was pretty funny. Guess you had to be there. But yeah, cows are VERY heavy, and they do give out the death scream when agitated.

Evil1 · 10-02-2003, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sharky
Just read this somewhere online:

Ignore my last fucking post, scuse me while i go punch myself in the balls.

Sharky · 10-02-2003, 01:30 PM

*****DISCLAIMER******

This is not MY story. I recently read it on some comedy website.

Jamdin · 10-02-2003, 01:36 PM

I tip a cow every time I go to the cafe...

voodooman · 10-02-2003, 01:46 PM

Sharky,

As you know, or maybe you dont, :-)

I used to raise cattle back on our ranch in
Oklahoma.
I had friends from college come to visit me
and want to go cow tipping.
Knowing how cattle are, I agreed to take
them out and told them what they needed
to do.
Now, I know that a cow doesnt sleep very
light, and that they spook easily and go
somewhat nuts when touched in the event
you can even get close to one, and you go
to put your hands on them to 'tip' them,
they go nuts and WILL kick the shit out of
your just to get away.
So, I spotted a cow, told them, there she
is, have fun. I sit back and watched and
laughed as they cow indeed went nuts,
but a little crazier than I even thought, and
ended up stepping on one of my friends,
fracturing his leg.
LOL its funny now, and maybe Im a bit sick
myself, but it was funny then as well.

So, in closing, the only way to tip a cow
without bodily harm to yourself, is with
a traquilizer gun.

EZRhino · 10-02-2003, 01:47 PM

Watch where your hand goes

SCOOTER · 10-02-2003, 01:48 PM

Thanks Sharky, I needed a good laugh.

ScriptBall · 10-02-2003, 01:48 PM

Sounds more like the nutcracker suite in cow land

Bulldog-Johnnie · 10-02-2003, 02:26 PM

Anyone who has spent any time on a farm can tell you Cows sleep lying down...

Scott McD · 10-02-2003, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jamdin
I tip a cow every time I go to the cafe...

hehehe

Scott McD · 10-02-2003, 02:35 PM

Oh and animal cruelty btw...

Toolz · 10-02-2003, 02:39 PM

Voodooman,

Do any shit skiing on your farm?

That's the best part of working a dairy farm, the shit skiing.

Pad · 10-02-2003, 02:42 PM

BWAHAHAH PH33R T3H C0WZ

my aim isn't "cattle" for anything

i know great power when i see it

the reason you could not tip the cow wasn't due to his beautiful weight problem, it was due to his godly force field only wonderful animals like cows posses. better luck next time

CoW MaFiA

Pad · 10-02-2003, 02:45 PM

cow tipping was on that urban myth show on mtv. they said it's impossible to tip a cow because of their weight, and a cow would be more likely to tip you

Lonny · 10-02-2003, 02:55 PM

Now I know not to go tipping over cows....

C-Bass · 10-02-2003, 03:13 PM

DAMN that was funny as hell!!

I actually laughed through the whole damn story!

SNIPER · 10-02-2003, 03:17 PM

I tried to go cow tipping but just as everyone has stated they are heavy and will get spooked more than allow themselves to be tipped.
Instead, (being only about 13 years old) I saw all these adorable calves in small crates, so i figured I would be the champion of justice and let them out.

Duhhhhh there went that months VEAL stock.

Sarah_Jayne · 10-02-2003, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Pad
cow tipping was on that urban myth show on mtv. they said it's impossible to tip a cow because of their weight, and a cow would be more likely to tip you

My sister weighs about 100 lbs and she did it...I don't know if she did it on her own or with help.

God, I am so proud.

10-02-2003, 12:55 PM	#1
Sharky Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Tampa, FL Posts: 4,938	Ever been cow tipping? Just read this somewhere online: -------------------- True story. I was in grad school in Sydney, living on campus. There were two Danish guys in the dorm, Mike and Lasse, who had kept in contact with some Danish girls who were going to another university out in the sticks, around dairy and emu farms. Since I didn't have any family around, and had no money to fly home for the holidays, they were nice enough to invite me to their little Scandanavian Christmas. Things started out great. I was the only non-Dane in the room, but everyone was so nice, I was really starting to feel welcome. Then they prepared the Gluck. If you don't know what it is (as I didn't then), let me explain: Gluck is a traditional Danish holiday drink made from hot wine, but there are spices and nuts and rasins and shit in there too. I guess you have to have been raised on it, because I could barely choke it down. But since I was a guest, I did my best to smile and swallow. I drank entirely too much of it. ENTIRELY too much. Later on that night, after everyone was a bit lopsided, the American bashing started. Not mean spirited, or anything, but needling just the same. You know, things like, "Why do you love war so much?", "Why are Americans so fat?", and "What makes you think cow tipping is so funny?" I was trying, without much effort or success, to defend myself. I explained that I didn't think cow tipping was particularly funny, and that I had never actually been cow tipping. So of course Mike and Lasse start screaming, "Let's do it! I want to see an American tip a cow! That would be funny as hell!" I said Fuck no, I'm not tipping a cow, but everyone was really into it, and Mike and Lasse said that they'd go with me and tip as well. In my drunken mindset, it started to make more and more sense to me, so I reluctantly said Okay. So we went out into a field that has maybe six or seven cows in it, and Goddamn if Mike didn't pick out the fucking biggest cow. He said, "Tip that one. Just walk up to it an push it over." Are you fucking kidding me? The cow must have weighed 500 pounds. There was no way I was going to just push it over. I said as much to Lasse, and he said, "Okay, get a running start." Well all right...that made much more sense...I got about 50 feet away from the cow and took off. I got up a good head of steam, and ducked my shoulder at the last minute for the best impact. I even aimed high for the best leverage possible. Lessons learned from that experience: 1. Cows are fucking heavy. 2. Cows are fucking hard as rocks. 3. I am fucking stupid. I just about fractured my clavicle, and the cow shuffled over about half a step and walked off, leaving my stupid, drunk ass whimpering in the mud. The rest of the cows woke up and sort of wandered off. Mike and Lasse were pissing themselves in laughter. I picked myself up off the ground and resigned myself to taking the walk of shame back into the house. As we were walking back, we passed a Momma cow and her little calf. I don't know anything about animal husbandry, but I guess the calf was maybe a year old. Cutest little thing. Mike pushed the calf over. He didn't say anything, didn't look to Lasse or myself for approval, just suddenly pushed him over. And started laughing like a lunatic. The Momma cow freaked out. She gave a scary ass cow scream, which I had never heard before and hope to God in heaven that I never hear again. Jesus Christ, I nearly shit myself. I had no idea that a cow could make a horror-movie scream like that. Then the cow charged. Fuck, you never saw three drunks run like that. Suddenly, I remembered a joke from my childhood. Something about running from a hungry bear: I don't have to be faster than the bear, I just have to be faster than you. Lessons learned from that experience: 1. Cows are fucking scary fast. 2. Drunk people can't run. I was clearly in the lead, running back toward the fence. I hopped nimbly over (har har) and promptly spewed all over myself. Purple fluid, nuts and raisins came shooting out of my mouth like the pie eating contest in "Stand By Me". It was evidently quite spectacular. Mike came over next, but it was obvious that Lasse wasn't going to make it. I guess he thought he was being chased by a bear, because he decided to fall down and play dead, but it was clear the cow wasn't to be had so easily. She stopped, rolled Lasse over with her nose, and started sniffing him. For a minute I thought his ruse was going work. Then the calf trotted over, and I swear, with God as my witness, monkey-stomped Lasse in the nutsack. Then the Momma and baby just walked away. Lasse projectile vomited in a fashion very similar to my own. Mike and I stood there, open-mouthed, disbelieving. We never spoke of the incident again. __________________ Sharky

10-02-2003, 12:59 PM	#3
Matt M Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The Beach Posts: 738	Damn Sharky !!! I almost pissed myself laughing at your story!!! __________________ No Thanks, I have my own...... ICQ: 156837862

10-02-2003, 01:21 PM	#6
Phoenix BACON BACON BACON Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Poems everybody, the laddie fancies himself a poet Posts: 35,462	i didnt thnk just one person would be able to push over a cow. i once worked on a milk farm for a couple weeks they are heacy as hell...you can punch a cow as hard as you like...kcik it even...and unless you hit it somewhere crucial...it wont even register haha..i actually laughed out loud when you stated things you learnt...lol __________________ Skype Phoenixskype1 Telegram PhoenixBrad https://quantads.io

10-02-2003, 01:27 PM	#7
JDog Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Canby, OR Posts: 7,453	Never piss off a momma cow! That was fucking funny! jDoG __________________ NSCash now powering ReelProfits.com ALSO FEATURING: NSCash.com :: SoloDollars.com :: ReelProfits.com :: BiminiBucks.com :: VOD PROGRAMS COMING SOON: Greedy Bucks :: Vengeance Cash NOW OFFERING OVER 60 SITES CONTACT :: JAMES SMITH :: CHIEF TECHNOLOGY OFFICER :: ICQ (711385133)

10-02-2003, 01:28 PM	#8
Evil1 Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 3,893	ROFLMFAO, Maybe I'm wrong here, but arent you sposed to rock a sleeping (they sleep standing sometimes apparently) back and fourth until it goes over? Not go full steam into it like you are linebacker sacking a quarterback? I dont like you based solely on the fact that you did not tape that for all to enjoy... prick. __________________

10-02-2003, 12:56 PM	#2
AaronM Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: ┌∩┐ ◣_◢ ┌∩┐ Posts: 46,909	Too fucking long. I have a short attention span.

10-02-2003, 01:06 PM	#4
Sarah_Jayne Now with more Jayne Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 40,077	no, but my sister managed to reverse the white trash evolution scale by doing it when she went to college. She also helped to run cow pat bingo.

10-02-2003, 01:28 PM	#9
Bex Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 2,382	Damn .. that story was awesome. My sides hurt from laughing about dude getting monkey stomped in the nuts! When I was younger at a party a bunch of guys went out to cow tip (we were all hella drunk). But we just ended up waking up the cows and causing a sort of stampede. Everyone went running and flying over fences. It was pretty funny. Guess you had to be there. But yeah, cows are VERY heavy, and they do give out the death scream when agitated. __________________ www.NicheWealth.com

10-02-2003, 01:30 PM	#11
Sharky Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Tampa, FL Posts: 4,938	***DISCLAIMER**** This is not MY story. I recently read it on some comedy website. __________________ Sharky

10-02-2003, 01:36 PM	#12
Jamdin Registered User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Kansas Posts: 3,560	I tip a cow every time I go to the cafe...

10-02-2003, 01:46 PM	#13
voodooman Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Homeless Posts: 801	Sharky, As you know, or maybe you dont, :-) I used to raise cattle back on our ranch in Oklahoma. I had friends from college come to visit me and want to go cow tipping. Knowing how cattle are, I agreed to take them out and told them what they needed to do. Now, I know that a cow doesnt sleep very light, and that they spook easily and go somewhat nuts when touched in the event you can even get close to one, and you go to put your hands on them to 'tip' them, they go nuts and WILL kick the shit out of your just to get away. So, I spotted a cow, told them, there she is, have fun. I sit back and watched and laughed as they cow indeed went nuts, but a little crazier than I even thought, and ended up stepping on one of my friends, fracturing his leg. LOL its funny now, and maybe Im a bit sick myself, but it was funny then as well. So, in closing, the only way to tip a cow without bodily harm to yourself, is with a traquilizer gun.

10-02-2003, 01:47 PM	#14
EZRhino Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: couch Posts: 6,258	Watch where your hand goes

10-02-2003, 01:48 PM	#15
SCOOTER Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 4,010	Thanks Sharky, I needed a good laugh. __________________ Scooter [email protected]

10-02-2003, 01:48 PM	#16
ScriptBall Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 376	Sounds more like the nutcracker suite in cow land __________________ <table border=0><tr valign=middle> <td><a href=http://www.scriptball.com><img src=http://www.scriptball.com/img/sb_ban_01.jpg border=0></a></td> <td> <font face=arial size=1> <a href=http://www.scriptball.com>Taking the repetitivness out of your job and adding speed to your work. Custom Software in virtually any Unix language, that will save you time and make you money. Take a look! </a> </font> </td> </tr></table>

10-02-2003, 02:26 PM	#17
Bulldog-Johnnie Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Tampa, FL Posts: 662	Anyone who has spent any time on a farm can tell you Cows sleep lying down... __________________ [email protected] ICQ-76720120

10-02-2003, 02:35 PM	#19
Scott McD Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Glasgow, Scotland Posts: 67,795	Oh and animal cruelty btw... __________________ I Buy My High Quality Traffic Here, You Should Too!

10-02-2003, 02:39 PM	#20
Toolz Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Podunk Posts: 690	Voodooman, Do any shit skiing on your farm? That's the best part of working a dairy farm, the shit skiing.

10-02-2003, 02:42 PM	#21
Pad elephants dont swat flies Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,262	BWAHAHAH PH33R T3H C0WZ my aim isn't "cattle" for anything i know great power when i see it the reason you could not tip the cow wasn't due to his beautiful weight problem, it was due to his godly force field only wonderful animals like cows posses. better luck next time CoW MaFiA __________________

10-02-2003, 02:45 PM	#22
Pad elephants dont swat flies Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,262	cow tipping was on that urban myth show on mtv. they said it's impossible to tip a cow because of their weight, and a cow would be more likely to tip you __________________

10-02-2003, 02:55 PM	#23
Lonny Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Riverside Ca. Posts: 3,539	Now I know not to go tipping over cows.... __________________ crakrevenue

10-02-2003, 03:13 PM	#24
C-Bass Confirmed User Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: th3 1nt3Rwebz Posts: 3,153	DAMN that was funny as hell!! I actually laughed through the whole damn story! __________________ "Unhappy with the riches 'cause you're piss poor morally." Trade traffic? - Highdef Blog

10-02-2003, 03:17 PM	#25
SNIPER Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Wherever my laptop is. Posts: 410	I tried to go cow tipping but just as everyone has stated they are heavy and will get spooked more than allow themselves to be tipped. Instead, (being only about 13 years old) I saw all these adorable calves in small crates, so i figured I would be the champion of justice and let them out. Duhhhhh there went that months VEAL stock. __________________ Face Like and Angel, but Makes More Deals than the Devil }:-)