8 Quick & Easy Steps To Becoming A Good American

[USA Is Doomed]

HOWTO: Be an American

Version 1.0 / M

America, eh folks? It's a pretty screwed up place. Unfortunately, but not indefinitely, the USA's weapons of mass destruction make it the most powerful country in the world (militarily). As a result, it helps to be aware of American society and fit into it, and our quick 8-step guide should have you on the path to burger-munching enlightenment.


1 - Buy yourself a gun

To become a fully-fledged Yank, you'll need to get a weapon. Americans think that having more killing machines magically makes their country safer, and it helps them to walk around saying "I'll put a cap in your ass". Even though the concept of "no guns = no gun-related crimes" is alien to the average Yank, it'll give you a false sense of security in this country with the highest crime rates in the developed world.


2 - Put on at least 25 stone

Skinny? Medium? Chubby? That won't cut it in the good ol' US of A. Because America has the highest obesty levels on the planet, you'll need to get those rolls of flab built up. Eating 18 waffles with Maple syrup for breakfast (and visiting Burger King five times in a day) is all natural when much of the world is suffering massive poverty. Get fat and fit in.


3 - Learn the lingo

We've talked about issues affecting society, but on a personal level you'll need more knowledge (or ignorance as it may be) to fit in. First, forget proper English. Confuse "your" with "you're". Say "must of" instead of "must have". Whenever anything interesting occurs, say "shucks" repeatedly. Instead of clever spontaneity or witty insults, call people "asswipes". It's funny!


4 - Throw away all maps, history books etc.

To really feel a part of American society, you must lose all knowledge of the world. Forget where Poland is. Scrap your knowledge of the lengthy Chinese history. Make cretinous remarks like "India? Is that in Africa?". Because ALL that matters is America, and it doesn't matter how pathetic you look to educated people the world over.


5 - Become totally irrational and nonsensical

Spout on about the Constitution, and then make drastic changes to it. Talk about "freedom of speech" and watch TV programmes about the Ku Klux Klan. Rant on about market freedom, and sit back as companies run riot and destroy the economy with their anti-competitive practices. Essentially, act idiotic at all times.


6 - Sue everyone you ever meet

The USA doesn't produce many decent quality products, so the society is crumbling into a litigation-happy joke. With so many jobs going overseas to talented workers, your only option left is to start legal proceedings. About anything. Someone step on your toe? Get some hotshot downtown lawyer to sue their ass!


7 - Get a "shrink"

Americans have a hard time dealing with their own problems in a mature manner, and prefer to spend hundreds of dollars sitting in front of someone and whinging. However trivial your problems may be, blast them out like a baby!


8 - Watch abysmal TV

Forget educational programmes and incisive documentaries. Your ideal night in is with your gun, six cheeseburgers and a Friends box set. Watch as some over-paid talentless "actor" enters the scene, and whoop and scream hysterically as he delivers some ridiculously poor wisecrack.


So there you have it! Those 8 steps should have you killing innocent people, piling on pounds and acting like a moron in no time. America awaits you, brave hero! Just get out before it collapses in disarray.

[ldinternet]

Here we go again.

[KaLi]

Ummm.... sure why not..

[KC]

"2 - Put on at least 25 stone "

Are you an upset Englishman? Americans don't say "stone"

[KC]

Are you still angry about the Declaration of Independance?

Most of your countrymen got over that 200 years ago!! Cheer up ol' chap, what's your flat's address? I'll send over a couple quid so you can buy a pint!

[Doctor Dre]

Good resumé of the American culture ... Well for a part of the Americans . The worst one :P

They are not all like that but further you move in the south the worst it is :P

[KC]

Originally posted by Doctor Dre
Good resumé of the American culture ... Well for a part of the Americans . The worst one :P

They are not all like that but further you move in the south the worst it is :P

At least I know the difference between "worst" and "worse".

[Ic3m4nZ]

You forgot a couple of steps but the funniest thing is read this shit

WASHINGTON, Nov. 20 ? Young Americans may soon have to fight a war in Iraq, but most of them can?t even find that country on a map, the National Geographic Society said Wednesday. The same goes for Israel or Iran, according to a survey taken for the group that found little to no improvement in students? knowledge of geography since 1988.

Only 71 percent of the surveyed Americans could locate on the map the Pacific Ocean, the world?s largest body of water.

THE SOCIETY survey found that only about one in seven ? 13 percent ? of Americans ages 18 to 24 could find Iraq. The score was the same for Iran, an Iraqi neighbor.
Although the majority, 58 percent, of the young Americans surveyed knew that the Taliban and al-Qaida were based in Afghanistan, only 17 percent could find that country on a world map. A U.S.-led force attacked the Taliban and al-Qaida in Afghanistan in October 2001, and President Bush has said he is prepared to use force to rid Iraq of any chemical, nuclear or biological weapons programs.

The survey asked 56 geographic and current events questions of young people in nine countries and scored the results with traditional grades. The surveyed Americans got a ?D,? with an average of 23 correct answers. Mexico ranked last with an average score of 21, just three points from a failing grade.
Topping the scoring was Sweden, with an average of 40, followed by Germany and Italy, each with 38. None of the countries got an ?A,? which required average scores of 42 correct answers or better on the 56 questions.
?If our young people can?t find places on a map and lack awareness of current events, how can they understand the world?s cultural, economic and natural resource issues that confront us?? John Fahey, president of the National Geographic Society, said in a statement.
National Geographic is convening an international panel of policy makers and business and media leaders to find ways to improve geographic education and to encourage interest in world affairs, the society said.

Other findings from the survey:
Thirty-four percent of the young Americans knew that the island used on last season?s ?Survivor? show was located in the South Pacific, but only 30 percent could locate the state of New Jersey on a map. The ?Survivor? show?s location was the Marquesas Islands in the eastern South Pacific.
When asked to find 10 specific states on a map of the United States, only California and Texas could be located by a large majority of those surveyed. Both states were correctly located by 89 percent of the participants. Only 51 percent could find New York, the nation?s third most populous state.
On a world map, Americans could find on average only seven of 16 countries in the quiz. Only 89 percent of the Americans surveyed could find their own country on the map.
In the world map test, Swedes could find an average of 13 of the 16 countries. Germans and Italians were next, with an average of 12 each.
Only 71 percent of the surveyed Americans could locate on the map the Pacific Ocean, the world?s largest body of water. Worldwide, three in 10 of those surveyed could not correctly locate the Pacific Ocean.
Although 81 percent of the surveyed Americans knew that the Middle East is the Earth?s largest oil exporter, only 24 percent could find Saudi Arabia on the map.
The international survey was conducted for the National Geographic by RoperASW. The results are based on face-to-face interviews with at least 300 men and women aged 18 to 24 in Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Sweden, Britain and the United States.
The questionnaires were in the local language, but the content was universally the same

[KC]

"None of the countries got an ?A,? which required average scores of 42 correct answers or better on the 56 questions."

Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.

[darksoft]

You forgot the part where we pound your sorry ass into a puddle of cat piss...

[ryph]

You're one of them crazy ass kids in school who hates the captain of the football team with a passion because he gets the puss and you don't. Cause his rich ass dad bought him a Mercedes for passing a math test while you take the yellow bus home. You plot how you're gonna humiliate him and destroy his life. But at the end of the day, he don't even know who you are or give a shit what you think.

[VirtuMike]

Do the American thing -

Grade it on a curve!

[HomeO]

Stero Type a little more ok? Assume all americans are as you described them .. pure ignorance .. and btw .. we are the most powerful nation in the world which makes us a target for ass holes like u to jealously try to bring America down. Don't judge all americans cause Bush is a red neck .. sure we aren't a perfect country .. name 1?

[HomeO]

Originally posted by ryph
You're one of them crazy ass kids in school who hates the captain of the football team with a passion because he gets the puss and you don't. Cause his rich ass dad bought him a Mercedes for passing a math test while you take the yellow bus home. You plot how you're gonna humiliate him and destroy his life. But at the end of the day, he don't even know who you are or give a shit what you think.

exactly .. jealousy is a mother fucker

[BillyHoe]

lol

[playa]

Originally posted by USA Is Doomed
HOWTO: Be an American

4 - Throw away all maps, history books etc.

To really feel a part of American society, you must lose all knowledge of the world. Forget where Poland is. Scrap your knowledge of the lengthy Chinese history. Make cretinous remarks like "India? Is that in Africa?". Because ALL that matters is America, and it doesn't matter how pathetic you look to educated people the world over.

I freaking hate this stereotype, Have you ever seen the world map? the US is fucking huge, its bigger than Europe and Middle East put together.

Asking an american where Poland is, is like asking a Pollock where damn state of Montana is.

If our Education system is soo BAD then why the fuck is our Colleges full of foreign students? Why the hell is there such a big fucking waiting list for student VISA's???

[Mr Pheer]

You are a retard that obviously believes everything you read, and havent experienced much in life.

[Mr Pheer]

Originally posted by Doctor Dre
Good resumé of the American culture ... Well for a part of the Americans . The worst one :P

They are not all like that but further you move in the south the worst it is :P

Have you ever been to upper New England? Where the winters are long and cold?

The just dont talk about the inbreeding up there as much.

[playa]

Originally posted by Doctor Dre

They are not all like that but further you move in the south the worst it is :P

are you out your mind? Ever heard of southern hosptality??

I been around the country and love it down south