Bible Forums

I'm not religious and I wasn't even raised religiously. My passing association with church came in the form of a babysitter who promised she would make cookies for us if my sister and I attended Sunday school. The cookies never materialized, and I haven't been back since. Once I went to a bat mitzvah with my mother, who was raised Jewish but long since lapsed. She sat there the whole time, dressed in black with a look on her face like they were going to recognize her suddenly and take her away. However, my readers (and the PlanetOut editors) love it when I get biblical in my column. They couldn't get enough of the Seven Deadly Gay Sins and the follow-up Seven Heavenly Gay Virtues. So, this week I offer you the 10 Gay Commandments. Nothing on the Internet is carved in stone, so you may want to print these out just in case.

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1. Thou shalt not kill.
This classic never goes out of style, though it seems to have escaped the attention of Aileen Wuornos and Andrew Cunanan. Personally I have always liked the idea of gay killers because gay bashers might be kept at bay if they think we can wield an axe. Then again, few people look good in prison stripes -- so if only for common fashion sense, try not to kill anyone.

2. Thou shalt not sleep with the best friend of someone you already slept with.
Frankly, this should be number one through 10. If you want drama and trouble, go for it. However, most of us realize that there are plenty of other men in the stalls.

3. Thou shalt not have a personal ad photo with someone hotter in it.
Boy, is this one just asking for trouble. Nothing worse than clicking on a personal ad and realizing the love of your life is the one on the left, but the personal ad is for the guy on the right. Ouch!

4. Thou shalt not ever give the real reason for anything.
From why they broke up to why they are leaving work early, for some reason, gay men just can't be honest about their motivation. Then again, sometimes it is better not to tell someone they are too fat or to tell your boss you are taking the day off to see the latest Tom Cruise movie.

5. Thou shalt not pay for things.
From scoring free drinks from bartenders to free clothes from designer friends, no one gets more for nothing than the gays. This is the real secret to why the gays always seem to live better than their straight counterparts. It isn't just the lack of kids.

6. Thou shalt not have a personal ad photo that includes your ex.
You know, the original 10 commandments were kind of redundant, and now that I'm at number six I can see why. Getting to 10 is a bitch. In any event, my editor at PlanetOut considers this number one on his list of things not to do and I agree completely. Except for the part where it's number six.

7. Thou shalt not have sex with the opposite sex.
Do your straight-acting, butch posturing. Pretend to enjoy watching football for reasons other than hot guys grabbing each other in tight white pants. But real gay men don't stay with a wife and two kids while screwing around with guys on the side. It's mean and dangerous and rude.

8. Thou shalt not withhold judgment.
You know you would rather die than not judge people. It is amazing to me that there aren't more gay judges on the bench, but then again, maybe we get it out of our system just walking down the street.

9. Thou shalt not know anyone's last name.
It is so much easier to just nickname someone than to use or know their last name. From the guy you tricked with last night to your closest friends, the last name is the first thing to go.

10. Thou shalt never be good enough.
This is the one commandment I encourage you to break the most. Stop looking down on yourself in every mirror. You are better than that.

NEXT WEEK: Spring is in the air! Join me for a spring fling in the next issue of the FantasyMan Island News here on PlanetOut.com at www.fantasymanisland.com or AOL Keyword: FMI.

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FantasyMan Update

In the "real diamonds in a wig" category, I had dinner with FantasyMan Sam when he was in New York a couple of weeks ago. He's a big porn star now, and I was a little suprised that he didn't mention me on his personal site. However, I did get a very nice thank-you card from him in the mail. Now, tell me: Who gets thank-you cards from porn stars? This is the world I live in. You can see Sam for yourself at the Bad Boys Pool Party charity event in Palm Springs. If you are nice to him, I am sure he will write you a thank-you note too.
In other personal Web site news, FantasyMan Tim has a brand new site that he wanted me to tell you about. He isn't the only one. FantasyMan Charlie has also been hard at work on his personal Web site too. Well, I have links to both of them on my fabulous new Web site, DerekHartley.com. So, for cool links like that, as well as my additional comments and personal photos, visit DerekHartley.com now.

Do you have what it takes to be a FantasyMan on FantasyMan Island? Tell us all about yourself and why you think you would make a great FantasyMan. Who knows? You could be featured soon as the Man of the Week.


Derek's Deal of the Week

People love a good top. I know I haven't noticed my popularity dwindling over the years. So this week I am recommending some good tops as my Deal of the Week from Kleptomaniac.com. They have cute polo shirts and muscle tees. So, pick one up to match the summer body you've been promising yourself all winter. Put one of these good tops on and let it do it's thing. You'll be glad you did.

The End

Thanks for joining me for another exciting week on PlanetOut.com's FantasyMan Island. To join my exclusive mailing list, drop me a line at [email protected]. Got a comment about FantasyMan Island? Drop me a note at [email protected] or post your ravings on the FMI message board. Be sure to catch my antics every week here on PlanetOut! Derek

MetaMan

no one is gonna respond with that length of a post,
its called a summary dont stress yourself.

Jakke PNG

11. Don't lust after Joakim's goat, he's good people.

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..and I'm off.