O.k. a short one.

What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!




:angel

Haha LOL short & funny... I like!

here's my try:

A man was shooting a new scene for one of his new adult films. The sexy starlet was right in the middle of cumming because she was being fucked by three men at the same time. The photographer yells "CUT". Bewildered the young starlet grabs her robe and staggers over to the photographer to give him a piece of her mind and she notices he's facing the road that's a few hundred yards away and he has his hat in his hands and his head is bowed. Undaunted she marches forward and asks him what the Fuck is going on. He glances at her sideways and says "SHHHHH". She looks up to see a funeral procession going by and immediately has a change of heart for the photographer. She says, "That is so sweet I didn't know you had so much respect for human life". He in turn replies, "Well, It's the least I could do I was married to the Bitch for 25 years".

I have to prop this one out to my Jewish friend.



Why do Jews have big noses?

Because air is free.

:winkwink:

Thanks I like short & funny! Some are to long- one liners are the best!




:winkwink:

This one is real old.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit next to each other in the woods.
The bear asks..
"Hey rabbit you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies..
"No, why?"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Here goes mine...

A brother and his sister are fucking in the bed.

The brother:
Hey, you fuck better than mommy!

The sister:
I know, daddy already told me.

:Graucho

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

Don't even consider my previous joke, I got the best one:

Two gays are lying in the bed.

Michael:
Please, could you see if there's something with my asshole, it hurts.

Brandon puts a finger in Michael's ass and takes it out.

Brandon:
Mmmm, I don't feel anything wrong.

Michael:
Go deeper, it really hurts!

Brandon puts his whole hand in Michael's ass and start searching. Then he feels something and takes it out.

Brandon: Wait, I got it. It's, it's a watch! It's a Rolex!

And Michael starts to sing:
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you Brandon! Happy birthday to yooooouuuu!

:Graucho

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

harry goes to the eye doctor-the doctor says "you have to stop masturbating"harry says"why, will it make me go blind?"doctor says" no but your bothering the other patients in the waiting room!'

That was good, but not as good as mine!


:Graucho

lol i didnt like yours i`m sorry..

Oh well, can't make all the people happy all the time.

:(

Guy walks up to a women in a bar and says "Hey bitch, wanna fuck"
She sais, "How dare you talk to me that way"
Guy sais "What u talkin bout"
She sais "You know exactly what im talking about"
Guy sais "Nigga you lunchin"
She sais "Look, just buy me a drink"
Guy sais "Nah i aint got no money"
She sais "What you poor"
Guy sais "nah i just dont got no money"
She sais..

ok..enough im just babaling

Here's another ;)

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

This man was walking home from work one day when he spots a sign in a pet store window that says, "Talking Monkey $50". Curious, he goes inside.

He asks the store owner, "Can your monkey really talk?"

From behind him a voice says, "Hey, buddy, I talk."

The man turns around to see a money in a cage. He says, "If I bought you, would you do me a favor?"

The money replies, "You give bananas, I do favor."

So the man buys the monkey and takes him home, buying a huge bunch of bananas from the roadside fruit stand on the way.

When they get home, he hides the monkey in the garage and gives him one of the bananas and says, "I think my wife is cheating on me with another man, so tomorrow while I am at work, I want you to follow my wife around all day and come back here at 5:30... wait, you CAN tell time, can't you?"

The monkey points to the little watch on his wrist and says, "I tell time."

"Okay," the man continues. "Follow her around all day then come back here at 5:30 and tell me everything she did all day. If you do this, I'll give you the whole bunch of bananas."

The monkey eyes the bananas hungrily and says, "Okay, I do. I do."

The next afternoon, the man gets home from work around 5:30 and the money isn't back. 6:00, no monkey. 6:30, no monkey.

Finally at 7:00 he hears a scratching at the door. He opens the door and there is the monkey. His little hat is missing, his watch face is broken, his clothes are torn and there is blood matted in his fur.

"What happened???" the man gasps.

"I follow wife. She get into car with man. They go to hotel. I climb up in tree so I can see," the monkey says.

"So? What happenend?" the man asks, annoyed.

The monkey answers, "Well, he play with she and she play with he. I play with me and fall out of tree!"

Just a joke that cracked me up when my dad told it to me when I was a kid. :)

What do you call a female-to-male sex change operation?

An addidictomy.

An Indian, a ******, and a cowboys are in a bar pondering about their heritage.

The indian takes a drink and says:
"My people were many and now they are few"

The ****** takes a drink and says:
"My people were few and now they are many"

The cowboy takes a drink and says:
"Thats because we haven't played cowboys and ******s yet"

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

A: Lily!

What do you call gay dinosaur?
A megasoreass.


What do you call lesbian dinosaur?
A lickalotapuss.



:winkwink:

Jenny is 6 years old. She lives next door to Timmu who is 8. Timmy always tries to show off his new toys to make Jenny angry.

One day he got new rollerblades and he says, "Look what I'VE got!"

Jenny runs into the house in tears, yelling, "Mommy, Mommy! Timmy got new rollerblades! I want new rollerblades that are better than his!"

So her mother takes her to the store and buys her new rollerblades, the best kind in the store.

Later that day, Jenny rolls up to Timmy and says, "Look what I'VE got! Mine are better than yours!"

The next day Timmy rode up to Jenny on his new bike. "Look what I'VE got!" he taunted her.

Jenny runs into the house crying, shrieking, "Mommy, Mommy! Timmy got a new bike and I want one that's better than his!"

So her mom takes her to the store and they get the prettiest, most expensive bike there.

Jenny later rides up to Timmy proudly saying, "Look what I'VE got! And mine is better than yours!"

The next day the two kids are playing in Jenny's back yard when Timmy pulls down his pants and shows her his penis. He gloats, "My dad says I've got something you will NEVER have!" and he points to his willy.

Jenny runs into the house, hysterical because she knows she doesn't have one and can't get one. A few minutes later Jenny walks up to Timmy, a triumphant look on her face.

Proudly the yanks down her panties. She taunts Timmy by saying, "MY MOMMY said that with THIS (pointing to her vagina)... I can get all of THOSE (pointing to Timmy's penis) I want!"

Class had gotten finished early and the teacher had some free time. She asked the class if they had any questions about anything at all and of course little Bobby raised his hand. The teacher asked "Bobby what is your question". Bobby replied, "Well teach, I've been hearing a lot about a thing called a penis lately and I was just wondering what it was". The teacher blushed and informed Bobby that he should probably go home and ask his father.

That night, after dinner, Bobby tells his Dad about what happened in school and then asks his Dad "Whats a penis?". His Dad unzips his trousers, whips it out and tells him "Bobby, this is a penis and furthermore, this is a perfect penis". Bobby is like "cool".

Walking to school the next day, Jimmy comes up and asks Bobby, "Hey, did you find out what a penis is?". Bobby says "Oh yeah" and proceeds to unzip his trousers, whip it out and then replys "Jimmy, this is a penis and furthermore, if it were two inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis"

Then there was the gay indian that went up to the Chief and asked for a couple of bucks to eat on.....

I have to apologize for this one in advance. I think it's a really mean joke and I'm NOT a racist in any way. But it does seem to crack people up. :)

Q: Why don't ******s have brains?

A: Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

(Again, sorry.)

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Carl walked into the bathroom where his boyfriend Johnny was stooped over the toilet, pushing floating turds around in the water with the handle of a toothbrush.

"What the fuck are you doing, Johnny?" asked Carl.

Johnny looked up and replied: "playing with the kids!"

Haha tootie, you got a few nice ones :thumbsup

The pope was having a pull when a japanese tourist took his picture.
The pope was so embaressed he thought I must get the camera of this man.
He offers the Jap 10,000 yen for the camera.
As the pope is walking through the Vatican taking the film out of the back of the cameraa cardinal sees him.
This cardinal knows all about cameras,he says nice camera your holliness what did you pay for that? The pope answers 10 000 yen.
The carninal says he must have seen you coming.

Thanks :)

Here's another one.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting around bored, trying to figure out something to do.

The priest says, "Well, we could fuck some altar boys."

The rabbi replies, "Fuck them out of what?"

One more (but this one came from someone else :)

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to
spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they did.
Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not
have any cash with him, but that he will have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way
to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he
has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed
the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent
of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was
under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it
was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned
the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how
to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please do
not blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact
your present landlady!

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, ?Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar??

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream ?Oh Henry, Oh Henry!?

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, ?Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.? I said, ?Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey??

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, ?Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!? as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

New Age Verification System Leaked To ...
Our own "Deep Throat" tells us about an absolutely foolproof age verification system scheduled for release.

The new system, dubbed Anaconda, is a tiny macrosensor installed on the penis. Installation is expected to be available at little or no charge due to substantial grants from the Citizens for a Better Tomorrow. As of press time we were unable to obtain information about this organization beyond an eastern Virginia address, which did not return mail sent to them.

The system will only be installed in those with infallible proof of age-generally a birth certificate and driver's license. The sensor comes with software which coordinates your own unique PID (Penis ID Number) with a Windows serial number to generate a 128-bit secure Blowfish encrypted access code.

An added benefit of this new system, and rumors about about possible backing from software heavyweights, is the ability to detect illegal copies of software and report it. Another source who refused to be named stated, "Heck, this way all we do is tell the satellite to send out a little electric signal, no need to hire lawyers."

On the server end, the code sent forth is checked against a national registry, access is logged, and if the PID matches the customer is allowed access. Any attempt to transplant the device to another person would result in an auto-destruct being initiated.

In the future, its developers see thousands of other uses for Anaconda, including tracking sex criminals, preventing them access to adult-oriented content, and gathering valuable statistics about the sexual patterns of Americans.

It was unclear if the device can accept input, or simply send signals out.

-doug

Here's a racist joke, if you can't take a joke gfy.

why were adam and eve white?

have YOU ever tried to take a rib from a ******?

always gets em laughing.

Hehe kids say the darnest things LOL :glugglug

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

A young man from a small, rural town had just gotten married. He was a virgin and was very nervous about the wedding night. His own father had past away when he was young, and his mother was much too prudish to speak to him about sex, so he sheepishly spoke to his bride's father about it.

"Umm.. sir..." he stammered. "I've uh... never... never... made love before and I don't know what to do."

The brides father was a bit shy himself, so he looked out into the yard and noticed the dogs going at it. "Well, you've seen what the dogs do, haven't you? Just do what they do."

The next morning the bride called her mother in tears. Her mother asked her what was wrong.

"Well, mother, the wedding night... it wasn't like I had expected or hoped at all!" the bride cried.

"Oh really?" asked the mother. "What was wrong? Wasn't he any good?"

Angrily the bride snapped, "No, I don't think so. All he did all night was sniff my butt and pee on the bed post!"

Christmas was coming so the billionare asked his three boys what they wanted.

The oldest said he wanted a new car.... so the man bought him Ford Motor Company

The middle child asked for a toy airplane... the man bought him Delta Airlines

The youngest simply requested a Mickey Mouse outfit... so his dad bought him Likewhoa Hosting

Some great jokes guys ;-) Thanks for the laughs! Only 2hrs to go, get your jokes in now, post as many as you like, 50 banners are up for grabs.

Okay there are 2 priests and 2 boys on a small row boat going down a river. The 1st priest is rowing and loses the oar. And then the 2nd priest sees some sharp, jagged rocks coming ahead. And he starts yelling at the 1st priest. Saying row, row, row. And he yells I can't looks like were screwed. And the 2nd priest asks what should we do with the boys? And the 1st priest replies fuck'em. And the 2nd priest says. Do you think we will have time?

:thumbsup

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''Fuck you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''Fuck you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

One day in a second grade classroom a teacher says, "O.K. class, today were gonna study animal sounds. Can I have the first volunteer?" she says. This kid stands up and the teacher says "O.K., What kind of sound does a cow make?" The kid says "Moo-Moo". Very good said the teacher. Now whose the next volunteer? This other kid gets up and the teacher asks "What kind of sound does a horse make?" So the kid says "Hurr-rr-rr". Very good the teacher says now next volunteer? This black kid gets up and the teacher asks O.K. what kind of sound does a pig make? The kid says "HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

Sorry, another racist one.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

This highly religious man get caught in a flash flood. He can't swim, but he treads water like crazy. After a while a rescue lifeboat comes by.

The rescuer says, "Climb in the boat, buddy!"

The man says, "No thank you. I have faith. My God will save me."

So the guy shrugs and drives away.

The man keeps treading water, becoming more and more tired until a while later a second lifeboat comes by.

"Hey, get in the boat, mister!" the rescuer shouts.

"No thank you," replies the man. "I have faith, my God will save me."

So the boat speeds away, the rescuer shaking his head in disbelief.

After treading water for another hour or two, the man is getting so tired he can barely go on. His muscles ache and his body is shivering. Another boat comes by.

"Hey buddy!" The boat driver shouts. "It's a good thing I found you! They're about to call off the boats and go home! Get it!"

Again the man replies, "No thank you. I have faith. My God will save me."

"Have it your way, but this is the last boat," the rescuer says before turning the boat and driving away.

The man continues to tread water for another hour or so before his muscles completely give out and he drowns.

When he awakens, he is standing before God.

"Hello, my son," says God. "Is there anything thou wouldst like to ask me?"

Still angry over his death, the man replies, "Yeah, I wanna know why, when I had so much faith in you, Lord, and trusted you to save me... you decided to forsake me and let me drown!"

God replies in a rather harsh voice, "What the hell more do you want from me? For God's sake, man, I sent you three lifeboats!"

keep them coming, and remember to check out our site ;-) The June special only has a few days left!

Did I win yet?


Here's a few more just in case:p



A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

Okay, I saw the contest is over .... a couple just for fun then:

Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.
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What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun as long as your friends don't see you on 'em!
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What's the difference between a bucket of crap and a mother-in-law?
The bucket!
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What did one fat chick say to the other?
Who cares, they're both fat.
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"