Your much welcome. Glad you are enjoting them

Oz

right

A Round Of Drinks
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"


:1orglaugh

The Great Blonde Kidnapping
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"


:)

Three Wishes
There were three dumb blonde guys on an island who found an old pot and started rubbing at it, when suddenly out popped a genie. The genie told them that he only could grant 3 wishes so they would each get one.
The first guy asked the genie to make him smarter so he got turned into a red-head.
The second guy wanted to be even smarter than the first, so the genie turned him into a brunette.
Then the last guy wished to be even smarter than both his friends...
...so the genie turned him into a woman.

:)

liol

The One Hundred Dollar Bill
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.


:)

Theory Of Gravity
A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes the blonde 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?
She had to stop to ask for directions.

:1orglaugh

Died And Went To Heaven
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said St. Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" asked St. Peter.
Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

:1orglaugh

Mysterious Tracks
Two dumb blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first dumb blond said "These look like deer tracks,"
and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

:1orglaugh

Blonde Questions & Answers
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

A: Because she didn't know which one came first!


:)

Q: How can you confuse a blonde?

A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.


:glugglug

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.

:BangBang: :(

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.
:)

Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?

A: Change!
:glugglug

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?

A: So they know which day of the week it is.

:helpme

Breaking In The Mercedes
Two dumb blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

:1orglaugh

The Iowa Taxidermist In Alabama
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"


:1orglaugh

A Tornado And A Redneck
Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

:1orglaugh

The Redneck And The Gorilla
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

:glugglug

The New Yorker Moves To The Country
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a good 2-hour drive away).
"Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked.
"Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick." the clerk responded.
He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.
The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it."
"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face.
"Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper."

:glugglug

Black Box Recordings
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"


:glugglug

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think genitalia is an Italian airline.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Top Ten Signs A Redneck Has Been Using Your Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder (CD-ROM drive).

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".


:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Redneck's At The Golf Course
Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything.
The rednecks are getting so mad watching the unmacho behavior of the two at the "gentleman's game," so they decide they're going to hit into them to get off.
The rednecks' shots are getting dangerously close to the two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out cold.
The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend to get up, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up!"
He shouts at the rednecks, "You bad men! We are going to sue you!"
One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon suck your winney!"
The gay heard that and started shaking his friend,"Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

The Redneck Lottery Winner
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

:)

You Know You're A Redneck Jedi When...
You hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."


:1orglaugh

Billy-Bob And The Sheriff
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did.
Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did."
He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots.
Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.

:1orglaugh

With A Southern Accent
An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"


:glugglug

More You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You've been too drunk to fish. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!"

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".

You can belch and say your name at the same time.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.

Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.


:1orglaugh

Redneck Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to piss off.


:winkwink:

Chickem Wire For Chickens...
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.
His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'
The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'
The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.
The father said, 'Son, where are you going?'
The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'
The son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!'
The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows.
The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'


:glugglug

Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say....
I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Do you think my hair is too big?

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

The tires on that truck are too big.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

Damned if that polititian ain't honest!

We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

You can't feed that to the dog.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I just love the Opera

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Wrasslin's fake.


:glugglug

Quick Thinking Rednecks
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."

:)

The Wiley Old Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'


:1orglaugh

Claim To Fame For Alabama
If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.
This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

Even More You Might Be A Redneck If...
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You think paprika is a Third World country.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


:1orglaugh

A Counterfeiter
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town.
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"


:1orglaugh

What's The Difference...
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.


:1orglaugh

A Spelling Test
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

:glugglug