Straight from the Illustrious Page of Non-Knowledge, who's location I will keep secret for the safety of those who should know better.
Eggs are actually small rocks.
The Walrus may have been Paul, but Ringo was really a chicken sandwich with fries.
The Stones are really the Beatles in drag.
Broccoli is actually made in a chemical factory in Sudbury, Ontario.
If it burns when you pee, make sure to bring a fire extinguisher.
JFK wasn't killed by Oswald or the Mafia or the Russians. He was killed by a team a crack troops sent here from the Dog Star, Sirius. NOT ONLY THAT, but the upper echelons of the Pentagon knew about the planned assasination, and approved of it whole-heartedly! As if that wasn't enough, swallowing watermelon seeds will cause a patch of the melons to grow in your stomach.
Farting loudly in a moving elevator is foul on so many levels.
Saving pus in a mason jar on a shelf by your front door, while being an admirable goal, will not only attract flies, but can also be taxed in some states.
1) The bitterling, a type of carp, owns 30% of GE stock.
2) Camels do not store water in their humps. Instead, they use their needle-sharp tendrils to siphon water out of their unsuspecting riders.
3) Babies are born with over 600 bones, but by adulthood they have fused into 2 large bones, Left and Right.
4) Cows have the capability to produce two kinds of milk - the nutritious white fluid containing healthy amounts of calcium, and an even tastier concoction that contains a deadly neurotoxin. Farmers say that most milk is of the former kind.
5) The existence of Denver, Colorado, is merely an myth perpetrated by the Colorado Board of Commerce. It is designed to lure unsuspecting tourists to their doom at the hands of the savage, man-eating Colorado Board of Agriculture.
Most public figures are really mechanical constructs, like small battlemechs that look really human, being driven by teams of rabid chipmunks. The chipmunks are trained at Quantico in a special school, costing taxpayers billions of dollars every year. This is why television is so endlessly fascinating.
SPAM (and its brother KLIK) is actually a nice, juicy T-Bone steak, which is converted into fatty pork bricks upon contact with the air. So the obvious thing to do is microwave it while it's still in the can.
A comparison of human population growth rates and mime population growth rates indicates that within twenty years the world will be overun by mimes and humans will be their slaves, toiling twenty five hours a day making stripy shirts and berets.
Trees, when approached in a docile manner, will instinctively grasp for your nether regions, thinking you are searching for some sort of sexual gratification. Hence the slang term "woody". Really.
Embrace these simple truths and all will be well for you.. Defy them, and someone may come hunting you with a rubber chicken and 5 gallons of KY.
Eggs are actually small rocks.
The Walrus may have been Paul, but Ringo was really a chicken sandwich with fries.
The Stones are really the Beatles in drag.
Broccoli is actually made in a chemical factory in Sudbury, Ontario.
If it burns when you pee, make sure to bring a fire extinguisher.
JFK wasn't killed by Oswald or the Mafia or the Russians. He was killed by a team a crack troops sent here from the Dog Star, Sirius. NOT ONLY THAT, but the upper echelons of the Pentagon knew about the planned assasination, and approved of it whole-heartedly! As if that wasn't enough, swallowing watermelon seeds will cause a patch of the melons to grow in your stomach.
Farting loudly in a moving elevator is foul on so many levels.
Saving pus in a mason jar on a shelf by your front door, while being an admirable goal, will not only attract flies, but can also be taxed in some states.
1) The bitterling, a type of carp, owns 30% of GE stock.
2) Camels do not store water in their humps. Instead, they use their needle-sharp tendrils to siphon water out of their unsuspecting riders.
3) Babies are born with over 600 bones, but by adulthood they have fused into 2 large bones, Left and Right.
4) Cows have the capability to produce two kinds of milk - the nutritious white fluid containing healthy amounts of calcium, and an even tastier concoction that contains a deadly neurotoxin. Farmers say that most milk is of the former kind.
5) The existence of Denver, Colorado, is merely an myth perpetrated by the Colorado Board of Commerce. It is designed to lure unsuspecting tourists to their doom at the hands of the savage, man-eating Colorado Board of Agriculture.
Most public figures are really mechanical constructs, like small battlemechs that look really human, being driven by teams of rabid chipmunks. The chipmunks are trained at Quantico in a special school, costing taxpayers billions of dollars every year. This is why television is so endlessly fascinating.
SPAM (and its brother KLIK) is actually a nice, juicy T-Bone steak, which is converted into fatty pork bricks upon contact with the air. So the obvious thing to do is microwave it while it's still in the can.
A comparison of human population growth rates and mime population growth rates indicates that within twenty years the world will be overun by mimes and humans will be their slaves, toiling twenty five hours a day making stripy shirts and berets.
Trees, when approached in a docile manner, will instinctively grasp for your nether regions, thinking you are searching for some sort of sexual gratification. Hence the slang term "woody". Really.
Embrace these simple truths and all will be well for you.. Defy them, and someone may come hunting you with a rubber chicken and 5 gallons of KY.
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