More of that REAL COURT CASE SHIT

[CDSmith]

THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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From a defendant representing himself . . .
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your
purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. <img SRC="http://bbs.gofuckyourself.net/board/biggrin.gif">
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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
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Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as
the men swung around and changed partners, they would
slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and
somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been
hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with
yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's
motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a damn thing.
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Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
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Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch. <img SRC="http://bbs.gofuckyourself.net/board/biggrin.gif">
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Murphy's Laws On Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you,
the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's
offered take it,because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes
the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what
people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she
usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a
man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had
it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on
Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account
of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair
on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've
got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and
some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

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hahahaha= Half Price hahahaha=
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied
their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how
they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What
trip?"

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Imagine how much more effective a labor strike would be if the unions
learned something from all these naked war protesters. I don't know
about you, but there's no way in hell I'm crossing a picket line made up
of a bunch of naked Teamsters.
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[sexyclicks]

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.