Rant Iâ??m tired of suppressing myself to get along with white people

[brassmonkey]

I met my new roommates on Craigslist. Two white, one Chinese. Together we represented Portland, Florida, China and (with me) D.C., and as we moved into our apartment in Bed-Stuy last fall, I was excited for the potential of cross-cultural exchange.

We had a get-to-know you powwow on the rooftop. We talked about ourselves, what brought us to New York. It was a warm evening in September, a couple of weeks after Michael Brown was shot, and somewhere in the mix I brought up Ferguson, hoping to spark a â??conscious conversation.â?� Then it happened. The nightmarish response.

â??Whatâ??s happening in Ferguson?â?� one of my white roommates asked. â??I heard some kid got shot or something like that.â?�

The words clamored in my ears. How could he not know? Werenâ??t his Twitter, Instagram and Facebook feeds flooded with opinions and hashtags? Iâ??m sure he meant nothing by his statement. Weâ??re all ill-informed from time to time. But as I stood there, awkwardly not saying a word â?? while hundreds of words ran through my head â?? it was a reminder of how much I would have to suppress in order to get along with my white male roommates in our tiny four-bedroom apartment. This place I would call my home for a year.

It hasnâ??t always been like this for me. Iâ??m a girl with a fro, raised in the place once known as â??Chocolate City.â?� I grew up part of a black nuclear family, was home-schooled, then became part of of the mini-Historic Black College Experience at Temple University. After arriving in New York, I became an intern at Essence, a magazine so safe I likened my boss to an aunt. Those settings were as comfortable as my grandmaâ??s cooking on any given Sunday.

I longed to crawl back to my tiny black universe. A place where I could create a sense of peace, identity and acceptance, a place where I could sit there, trying to untangle my fro and make sense of what it means to be an African-American woman in this country, rehashing our history while facing present pain. But life happens, and most of us canâ??t stay in our own utopias forever.

Now I faced a new reality. The brief conversation on the roof that hot September night lasted much longer in my head. I sent myself into a 200-year-old tizzy, reckoning with outdated ideas on race, tampering with prejudice and stereotypes. I became enslaved by my emotions.

I started to worry about all the other things I might have to explain: My hair, the food I eat, why I like Miles Davis, Nina Simone and Marvin Gaye. Maybe I should have considered it a teaching opportunity. But I wasnâ??t feeling generous. I was all twisted up inside, ablaze over racial dynamics and anxious what other minefields my roommate might stumble upon. I hoped he wouldnâ??t say something really ignorant, causing me to just snap and go off on an angry rant. Then Iâ??d have to make my living situation salvageable by pocketing my black rage, putting on my best smile and telling him, itâ??s all love.

I wanted my home to be a refuge, a place where I could be wretched when I wanted, walk around in my bonnet, fry chicken and sing real loud to Aretha Franklinâ??s R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Suppressing my blackness every day is exhausting. Back at Essence, we used â??sister girl language,â?� but since then, Iâ??d faced tougher environments. I briefly worked at a (now-defunct) womenâ??s fashion website, where I was one of the only black people. I would pitch ideas that mattered to me, like how to do natural hair, only to see them ignored, shuffled to the side or diluted like apple juice in order to be made palatable to mainstream â??whiteness.â?�

I was tired of catering to everyone elseâ??s comforts. How much of my day-to-day experiences as a black woman do I have to filter? I replace â??hey girlâ?� with boring hellos. I eat my leftover fried chicken outside the office. In order to have some common point of identifiable communication, I pretend to care about Taylor Swift, or white movie stars on their Iâ??ve-lost-count remarriages and those other white pop stars I could not care less about. â??Oh yeah, sheâ??s cute,â?� I tell them. â??Yeah, thatâ??s cool.â?�

As summer turned to fall and then winter, I continued to be dumbfounded at the way, for some white people, the killing of Michael Brown just didnâ??t resonate. They didnâ??t feel the need to pay attention. I guess some white people do act â??real vanillaâ?� and only understand the realities of their own universe. Like running around drunk in Santa costumes in the name of SantaCon while â??The Millions March NYCâ?� launches in response to the non-indictment verdicts. Thatâ??s real.

In December, when the Eric Garner verdict came out, I became loaded down with more emotional baggage than I could conceal. I couldnâ??t take it anymore. I didnâ??t care if I wasnâ??t mixing with others. I found my little black planet at work. I went over to my black boss and talked real low and real brief about how disturbing this all was. I grabbed one of my home girls I work with. We took to the streets to protest right outside my job. I hoped no one would see me and think something misguided.

Walking home that night, I unleashed all my tears. I wanted to reach out and hug a black man. Before I arrived at my apartment, I dried off my face as though nothing happened. My white male roommate asked me about the protest; I gave him a non-detailed response. I said something like, â??Iâ??m really upset, but it was a good way for me to get those feelings out.â?� I couldnâ??t handle revealing too much; I wanted to avoid a loaded conversation. I took a deep breath and exhaled, closed my bedroom door, picked up the phone, and spoke in whispers about how racist these non-indictments were to my parents, and to my socially conscious white and black friends.

These non-indictments reiterated what Iâ??m up against every single day: the unintentional ignorance of white people. But I was also aware of my willingness to put away my justified â??black rageâ?� in order to ensure that my interactions with white people remain comfortable. And the more I hid it, the more crazed I became. By the time my birthday rolled around, in December, I was cooped up in my bed, without an appetite, my fro needing a good deep conditioner. I was making myself sick.

I know this needs to change. I understand that for my own growth, and in order to forge honest relationships with white people I meet â?? whether itâ??s my roommates, or my co-workers, or anyone else â?? I need to reveal myself more. I need to start sharing about my history and my culture and how it plays out in my everyday life as an African American woman. I donâ??t want this rage to fester into bitterness, or infect the very close white friendships I already have. I donâ??t want to ignore my rage, but I donâ??t want to be controlled by it either. Concealing my emotions has made me feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.

Things are calm right now at the apartment. I donâ??t bring up these sorts of conversations. I donâ??t talk about what happens every 28 hours â?? a black person is killed. My white male roommate and I, we just donâ??t go there. It makes things easier. Instead, our conversations shuffle between our day-to-day experiences at work, dating and the nuances of the city. I keep those â??forbiddenâ?� conversations behind closed doors, and even when Iâ??m alone I speak in code. I donâ??t say â??white.â?� I use â??theyâ?� instead.

But I want to stop tiptoeing around race. My blackness is not a secret I have to keep. I want to be able to publicly express my honest admiration for being black, outside of my little black planet. I donâ??t want to feel marginalized, like I canâ??t speak hard truths about myself. Having honest and challenging conversations with people of another race will hopefully disrupt other peopleâ??s ignorance. But it will also help me. I need to stop with my mental temper tantrums. I want to get free.

I?m tired of suppressing myself to get along with white people - Salon.com

[MetaMan]

God you're a loser.

To block him go here:

Content A gift for GFY - GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum

[MakeMeGrrrrowl]

She has psychological issues and needs a therapist.

[brassmonkey]

Originally Posted by MetaMan

God you're a loser.

To block him go here:

Content A gift for GFY - GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum

go play mario brothers!

[brassmonkey]

Originally Posted by MakeMeGrrrrowl

She has psychological issues and needs a therapist.

another gfy doctor! you have a degree??

[MrBottomTooth]

Grapesoda beat you by a year on that one.

Iâ??m tired of suppressing myself to get along with white people - GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum

[brassmonkey]

Originally Posted by MrBottomTooth

Grapesoda beat you by a year on that one.

this is my rant shithead

[MrBottomTooth]

Originally Posted by brassmonkey

this is my rant shithead

Shut up you racist, retarded scumbag. Why don't you take your own advice from Grapesoda's thread:

been busy working on stuff. not really worth the racial argumentsha:-):-) more and more people are vanishingha:-) keep up the good work!!ha:-):-)

Nevermind, it looks like you are taking your own advice.

go post sum race bait

[Markul]

Cliff notes lol

[baddog]

Looks like brassmonkey has some serious competition in the racist department. What a racist bitch that chick is.

[Penny24Seven]

So now he is so lazy to find something to copy and paste he just steals it from old threads and repost shit from there. What a lazy ass fucking racist haha

[ErectMedia]

(3) roommates?
Holiday drug sales down?
Didn't read it all.

[Sarn]

and what solutions will be offered from his?

[SilentKnight]

[MakeMeGrrrrowl]

Originally Posted by brassmonkey

another gfy doctor! you have a degree??

You don't need a degree to see that she's obviously so stuck on her skin color that she's having trouble getting through life. She's the only one thinking about it, not her roommates.

She needs to just accept that she's black. Her roommates accepted it when the took her in as a roommate. She needs to love herself and know it's OKAY to be black.

She's the only one holding herself back.

No degree needed, just common sense.

But, since you're white, you probably can't even relate to her, and so I have no idea why you posted this.

[JD]

[L-Pink]

[Coup]

Same here, OP

[mineistaken]

Thanks for daily race mongering.

[OneHungLo]

Originally Posted by brassmonkey

this is my rant shithead

[CaptainHowdy]

[EddyTheDog]

Originally Posted by JD

Just say no - I'm not reading all that...

[escorpio]

Originally Posted by Markul

Cliff notes lol

White people suck.

[The Porn Nerd]

I knew it! You're a girl with a fro!!

Explains everything. :D

[sandman!]

Originally Posted by The Porn Nerd

I knew it! You're a girl with a fro!!

Explains everything. :D