Open-Minded Man Grimly Realizes How Much Life He's Wasted Listening To Bullshit

[Grapesoda]

CLEVELAND?During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Blake Richman was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he's squandered a significant portion of his life listening to everyone's bullshit, the 38-year-old told reporters.

A visibly stunned and solemn Richman, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he's wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people's half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, dumbfuck stories.

"Jesus Christ," said Richman, taking in the overwhelming volume of useless crap he's actively listened to over the years. "My whole life I've made a concerted effort to give people a fair shake and understand different points of view because I felt that everyone had something valuable to offer, but it turns out most of what they had to offer was complete bullshit."

"Seriously," Richman added, "what have I gained from treating everyone's opinion with respect? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

According to Richman, it was just now hitting him how many hours of his life he's pissed away listening intently to nonsense about celebrity couples, how good or bad certain pens are, and why a particular sports team might have a chance this year. The husband and father of two said that every time he's felt at all put out or bored by a bullshit conversation?especially a speculative one about how bad allergy season was going to be?he should have just turned around, walked away, and gone rafting or rappelling or done any of the millions of other things he's always wanted to do but never thought he had time for.

At various points throughout the day, Richman could be heard muttering to himself that he couldn't believe he was almost 40 years old.

"Twenty minutes here, 10 minutes there. It all starts to add up," said Richman, who sat down and figured out that between stupid discussions about favorite baby names and reviews of restaurants in cities he'll never visit, he'd wasted 390 hours of his life. "And you know what the worst part is? It's my fault. Here I thought being considerate to others by always listening patiently to what they had to say was the right thing to do. Well, fuck me, right?"

According to Richman, he started thinking about how much time he's flushed down the toilet being an approachable person after a work meeting in which he let a coworker, David Martin, ramble on and on with an idea everyone knew was "total shit" the moment the man opened his mouth. Richman said that a single glance at the clock made him realize he had just spent 14 minutes of his finite time on earth not playing with his kids or being with his wife, but listening to garbage.

"It was like I stepped out of my body and saw myself actually listening to this man's worthless drivel?but it wasn't him who looked like a moron, it was me," Richman said. "I was nodding my head like an asshole and saying ridiculous things like, 'Right,' and, 'I see your point, Dave,' when I should have just said, 'Dave, your idea isn't good and you are wasting our time and you need to shut up right now.'"

By his estimates, Richman's receptiveness has resulted in 160 irreplaceable hours of listening to grossly uninformed political opinions, 300 hours of carefully hearing out both sides of pointless arguments, and at least a month of listening to his parents' bullshit about how important it is to be open-minded.

Eighty days have been wasted on the inane blather of his college friend Brian alone.

"All those hours I could have been relaxing, or reading all these great books, or getting into shape, or working on side projects that I'm really excited about," Richman said. "But instead I've been listening to overrated albums recommended to me by my asshole friends."

"Did you know that in my life I've listened to five days' worth of people talking about their furniture?" he added. "It's true. That's a trip to Europe right there."

While Richman has vowed to cease being open-minded to absolute horseshit, acquaintances reflected on his approachability.

"I love Blake," coworker David Martin said. "He's such a good listener. A lot of people are closed-minded and self-absorbed, but Blake always makes an effort to hear where I'm coming from. The world could use more people like him."

[420]

Originally Posted by Grapesoda

CLEVELAND?During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Blake Richman was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he's squandered a significant portion of his life listening to everyone's bullshit, the 38-year-old told reporters.

A visibly stunned and solemn Richman, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he's wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people's half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, dumbfuck stories.

Fuck man, that's a long joke. This is as far as I need to read to know the punchline is something about facebook.

[MrTrollkien]

Darn! I thought he was gonna say that he had been listening to Alex Jones...

[SilentKnight]

William Somerset: [Reading from one of John Doe's journals]

On the subway today, a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, a lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing.

[TheSquealer]

hahaha...

"TLC Producer Wants List Of 100 Fucked-Up Families On Desk By End Of Day"

SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying that he didn’t “give two shits” if they had to knock on the door of every trailer and halfway house in the country, TLC producer and programming director Mark Livingston reportedly told his staffers Friday that he expects to see a list of at least 100 fucked-up families on his desk by the end of the workday.

“We’re up shit creek right now, so I need each one of you assholes rooting through every gutter in the goddamn Ozarks to find me a household of inbreds, addicts, or fat-as-fuck morons that we can put in primetime,” a visibly aggravated Livingston said to his staff following the cancellation of the network’s popular Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, stressing that the new families had better be “borderline brain-dead” and “messed up as all fuck.” “If they have 20 dipshit kids, that’s great. If they only have one greasy dimwit kid who can barely string a sentence together, that’ll work too. Hell, you get me some snarl-toothed family of backwoods idiots who all call their dad Papa Pig or some shit like that, and I’ll sign them immediately. Just find me some family of sewer people I can throw in front of the goddamn camera, got it?” At press time, Livingston was angrily telling his staffers that they could all find a new job wiping asses at the Disney Channel if they brought him one more suggestion for a morbidly obese teen mother

[Markul]

100 hours spent reading crap on GFY

[DamageX]

Originally Posted by SilentKnight

William Somerset: [Reading from one of John Doe's journals]

On the subway today, a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, a lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing.

Great movie

[JFK]

Originally Posted by Markul

100 hours spent reading crap on GFY

Time well wasted

[Mutt]

Originally Posted by Grapesoda

A visibly stunned and solemn Richman, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he's wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people's half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, dumbfuck stories.

[bronco67]

I figured that was probably the Onion, but could MonkeyNews at least quote it's sources? Horrible journalism.

[Grapesoda]

Originally Posted by bronco67

I figured that was probably the Onion, but could MonkeyNews at least quote it's sources? Horrible journalism.

your angry because I don't agree with your opinion, and so your plan is to post 3rd grade bullshit in all my post to punish me

[SilentKnight]

Originally Posted by Grapesoda

"Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return." Colin Powell

Mr. Powell's memory is rather selective.

He wasn't around from 1812-1815 when the U.S. unsuccessfully attempted to annex Canada.

[Grapesoda]

Originally Posted by SilentKnight

Mr. Powell's memory is rather selective.

He wasn't around from 1812-1815 when the U.S. unsuccessfully attempted to annex Canada.

doesn't surprise me, ahy? more than once apparently..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annexat...ents_of_Canada

[Rochard]

I've decided recently that I am going to live by Star Trek's "Prime Directive" rule - not to interfere with other people's problems unless it affects me directly.

I've grown tired of GFY too - All keyboard warriors who think they are better than everyone else.

[CaptainHowdy]

Welcome to the club ...

[Grapesoda]

Originally Posted by Rochard

I've decided recently that I am going to live by Star Trek's "Prime Directive" rule - not to interfere with other people's problems unless it affects me directly.

I've grown tired of GFY too - All keyboard warriors who think they are better than everyone else.

you're obviously more enlightened and so much superior to the rest of us...thank you for gracing my thread with your post... I worship you!!!

[The Porn Nerd]

Typing helps my finger muscles.

[Grapesoda]

Originally Posted by The Porn Nerd

Typing helps my finger muscles.

hurts my elbows