What is Google building on the 'mystery barges'?

1. Alien slave ships

Over the past decade, everyone has been flabbergasted by the rapid advancement of technology that Google has led. There?s no way that plain old human ingenuity took us from oil lamps to nanobots in just over a century.

If you take a step back and consider it, it appears that we?ve been receiving help. But humans are not great at partnerships, and are subject to the most voracious greed known in the universe, so it?s natural to assume that, if we were being assisted by beings from other worlds, that we would eventually kidnap a bunch of them and force them to do our bidding. This is America. We?ve done it to every race here on this planet, so it?s not a stretch that we?d do it to races from others as well.

2. Mind-control rays

Two off the coast of San Francisco, one off the coast of Maine? Put one in the Gulf of Mexico and you?ve got the continental US surrounded, with the ability to unleash a triangulated signal that may debilitate, kill, or even zombify every person in the country. Google spent the last 15 years becoming engrained in our lives, entrusting us and monopolizing all of our data.

Now is the perfect time for them to create disruptive signals built according to each of our minds through which they can control our actions. This possibility is especially scary because it may already have been implemented. Do anything out of the ordinary today? Is that how you always take your coffee? Does looking out the window always give you the impulse to by more corn? Just sayin?.

3. Human Arks

If anyone can really predict the weather, it?s Google. In general, the study of weather is a non-science, considering how poorly our meteorologists perform their jobs. Google has been holding the secret to this discipline for at least a decade now, and only they know that the next hurricane season will be the last for any terrestrial life on earth. The storms have been getting worse, and no amount of global warming denial will stop evangelical christians from being dragged out to sea.